Friday, July 20, 2012
Day 15-Good/Bad Omen
The point originated back when I was 16 and began dated my first boyfriend. He had a thing with numbers and somehow the last digits of his house phone number got stuck with me. It became more relevant when we broke up and I was going through a hard time getting over him. I defined the numbers as a good sign of him thinking of me-whenever I saw the combination of those specific numbers (mostly on licence plates). Later it wasn't just the numbers - it was specific colors that I defined as good omens depending on the color. This was also primarily due to my participation in witchcraft, where specific colors corresponded to specific emotions. I attached those emotions and would wear those colors on specific days that fit the "emotion/feeling" color. Like for example-on my birthdays I will always dress to a color that I thought would bring me what I wanted in my life. I would make a wish when blowing the candles hoping for my wish to come true. Later it wasn't just the numbers and colors- it was symbolism on the event itself that was built upon mini symbolism that occurred to shape the event.
For example, on Christmas I would place the decorations in specific order, I would make my secret wish list to "Santa" whom had become sort of a spirit that grants wishes (in my mind). I would sit at the stroke of midnight and read my wishes aloud. If it snowed it meant a perfect Christmas and "Santa" will hear my wishes and give me what I asked for...LoL
Now that I write it here from a total different perspective and understanding about the deception itself this "ritual" sounds crazy, selfish, and self damaging for giving myself the existence of "hope", that no matter what I did-someone ELSE will fix it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create superstitious omens to reflect on events that occur in my immediate environment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the events that occur in my immediate environment based on "lucky" numbers/colors/the events themselves, symbolism/superstitious ideas that I had created in my mind to feel better about myself and to cope with the emotions/feelings I am/was experiencing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cope/suppress with my emotions/feelings Instead of having a clear look at what is going on within myself and work on deleting it, deprogramming it, making a self responsible decision to direct myself with clarity.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rely/be driven by my emotions/feelings and to make blind decisions based on what I am/was experiencing within myself-not understanding where it came from thus accepting it and participating in my own little game that happened in the secret mind (where no one else knows about it).
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give life to good/bad omens through my mind and reflecting/projecting it on other beings as if it was the truth in fact.
I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to take self responsibility to face my emotions/feelings-pick at them one by one to see why they are occurring, what did I do to allow them to become me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make the idea of "Santa" (even as a grown adult knowing that Santa is not real) to be my secret GOD to whom I would follow a ritual and ask (pray) for things to make my personal life "happy"- IN reflection to the bigger picture- as in the way people pray to God in "God" homes/institutions requesting that their desires/wishes/emotions/feelings be granted-thus making me a hypocrite because I say "I don't believe in GOD" yet I created my own entity of GOD.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be selfish/ignorant in wanting wishes granted to me that had to do with fixing my emotions/feelings-not seeing the bigger picture that my emotions and feelings are not the REAL reality- in the physical as life. More over being selfish that I would even create the idea of having my pity wishes granted in relation to all the abuse that we as humanity collectively allow to exists.
I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see/realize that by asking for wishes I am playing the "Law of Attraction" game-and in this game in order to be a winner (one takes energy) from another-making the other to be the looser. Thus within that I have directly participated in allowing winners/losers which is direct participation in creating inequality/jealousy/competition in this world causing abuse.
I commit myself to deleting all symbolism/colors/numbers/superstitious/event symbolism participation.
I commit myself to living life in the real physical time without directing my life based on symbols/good-bad omens.
I commit myself to no longer participate in the "Law of Attraction" game and within that commitment to expose to others through my writing what the "Law of Attraction" is really about.
I commit myself to facing my emotions/feelings with self responsibility-to forgiving myself and self correcting myself-in this accepting the responsibility for my actions while being in the possession of emotions/feelings-where I am not "thinking" straight/with clarity and no longer relying on a separate Godlike Entity to fix my inner battles/demons.