Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Day 17-Deleting CharACTers: The EX Grudge
Also read: Day 14-Deleting CharACTers: The SuperHero/Healer Personality
Day 16-Deleting CharACTers: The Eye Of The Beholder Construct
Here I am looking at the "love/hate" relationship construct that I had developed within myself while dating my EX. This is a perfect example of the process where "love" turns into "hate" which is simply an energetic/emotional reaction that plays within the polarity game and has got nothing to do with LOVE/CARE for another being within the whole of existence, where we consider each other as life and within that consideration we show that we care/love each other equally as life.
I used to be a huge believer of the emotional love construct which I learned and thought it existed to be "true" love/"soul mate" kinda of deal.
What we often don't realize though is while participating in this love construct bubble (romance) we (the two "love" birds) charge each other with positive energy until the energy runs out and REALITY hits- and "I love you" becomes words that are spoken to secure each other's relationship- while in the back chat (secret mind) there are all kinds of thoughts going on about the other person. And in occasions (fights) these thoughts come out and hurt the other person-because instead of sitting down and discussing with stability the issues (that have been allowed to accumulate) people explode at each other in blame-which is simply the compounded accumulation of the person holding all the thoughts back in their mind in suppression. In worse occasions we have people who go mental/psychotic/fall into depression and the energetic positive love feeling turns into what people refer to "sick love"-stalkers, verbal/mental/physical abuse and all kinds of diversions that reflect the negative emotional charge of "love". All those are positive and negative emotions/feelings that people spoon feed each other- until serious consequences play out. And if the person is NOT aware that their experience is a simple emotion/feeling and do not know how to find their way back to REALITY, or even know what reality is-because often people think that reality are those emotions/feelings they are experiencing- those individuals will have a hard time realizing that the initial problem lays within themselves, and instead will blame other individuals, or "life", or "GOD", or the "Universe"...and so on.
A simple note to self-it is excruciating that no back chat is allowed to exists within ourselves and that all issues that come up are discussed in a manner that shows the whole picture and not just the single point of view. Within that same concept no secrets can be allowed- secrets from self and the other person. Within that concept one remains stable. Know that every time there is an emotional reaction one has been taken out of their stability and gone "crazy"-mind possessed!
The way my relationship with this particular person (the EX) was a highly emotional relationship. I did not understand it at the time, but he was an emotional ticking bomb and due to his high emotional level he was experiencing and did not know how to help himself- I became a "target". The results were- verbal/physical abuse that was part of our fights over things that could not be discussed because he would not allow discussion to take place. I was a blame to all his emotional issues, I was the blame for his explosive reactions (pushing "red" buttons), I became a possession to him that he "LOVED", lied to, cheated on. A possession to him that he threatened his life for me if I would ever leave.
My reaction to all of this was that I was "suffocating", As a reaction to him I lied and held secrets from him. I became spiteful of him and experienced this "hatred"-spitefulness deep within myself on a level where I could not stand him. I was experiencing "evil" emotions to where I wished him dead because if he would die I would be free of him.
Then I came upon Desteni where it was revealed to me that what I was experiencing was an emotion/feeling which is unreal from the perspective of the physical reality/life, and it only lived because I gave it life in my existence/world. I quickly looked over my whole relationship that we had both created, and after some self clearing and realizations I ended the relationship because I saw it was unacceptable what we had allowed ourselves to exists as together.
The reason I am bringing this post today is because from time to time an event/image will appear where I am reminded of this relationship and I go into a reaction of hate and blame at my EX-hence it implies that I am subconsciously holding a grudge against him. And it is time to release this grudge-as it exists within my mind as left over emotions towards this guy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enter a relationship with a personality design that has developed serious emotional issues within his belief of "love"/"soul mate"- not realizing that he simply at the time provided me/my mind with that which I was searching out and believed myself to exists as-"love", soul mate"- thus he was a simple reflection of myself and my idea of love and soul mates.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to INSTEAD of ending the relationship (my participation to feed his emotional personality design) with common sense perspective because of emotional/feeling abuse that took place, I kept participating and feeding my idea and his idea of love to the point where "love" turned to hate I held/suppressed within myself/secret mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT realize that fact that I allowed myself to exists as hate/spitefulness should have been a RED flag to myself that I had become unstable and joined the "crazies" mind possessed personality designs that he had allowed himself to exists as.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become hateful/spiteful of another being that is equal to me as life and only reflected his emotional personality design as the match reflection of my personality design within which we both fed each other and charged each other towards a "love-hate" relationship.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT realize at the time that the anger/hatred/spitefulness I am/was experiencing is reflected at myself because I am the one that allowed myself to continue existing in the relationship-thus I forgive myself for accepting to be angry/hateful/spiteful towards myself when in reality if I had the common sense I have now back then-I would have ended the relationship the moment I saw what we were creating/developing to exists in/as with the fact that we were unable to discuss/see/correct ourselves and accept that we both fucked up, instead of placing/projecting blame onto each other to the point where it became UNacceptable for us to continue our relationship based on the abuse we caused to each other and one another- thus when seeing /realizing that we were not "working" as a team to create a stable relationship-to simply part and move on.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself NOT to realize that his emotional personality design was something he acquired in his "life"/environment experiences from what he has learned/taught and shown by how his family treated each other- which made it OK for him as he accepted that personality design to be him based on his family experiences- and knew nothing else other than what he had grown up with-thus that is what he expressed towards me as a woman in the image and likeness of his "father/mother" relationship.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish him dead as my only escape route from him, not realizing that it was a simple physical action of LEAVING that which does not support me physically and holds me back from moving forward- a simple ending participation in that which harms me physically.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold a grudge against him even after my realization that it was both our faults for creating our unstable relationship and giving it life.
I commit myself to not EVER hold back on any back chat/secret mind within my current relationship, to make sure that directly or indirectly issues are resolved with common sense and stability.
I commit myself to not EVER allowing myself/placing myself in a situation within my current relationship and my relationship with others where I can allow myself to develop hatred/spitefulness towards another being-within the realization that we are all equal as life and that at the moment everyone exists as personality designs that must be worked on individually.
I commit myself to create/move my current relationship and my relationship with others with stability, breath by breath, moment by moment where we move through obstacles together, where we do not go into reactions and create consequences- and if there was a consequence then it must be accepted as a fuck up and corrected accordingly.
I commit myself to seeing/realizing that a relationship/agreement is something that is built over time and NOT some magical "love" energy that hits you in the stomach (butterflies) and sweeps you of your feet. Thus to shape a relationship/agreement/bond with another being takes time, it is a process/movement of respect for one another as life, and understanding that at the moment we both are personality designs-and within this understanding to conceptualize that we can assist and support each other to delete these constructs so that we can remain in stability and actually enjoy our relationship/agreement.
I commit myself to showing others that LOVE is NOT an emotional/feeling charge, that LOVE IS an action that is shown through caring and considering ALL of life, and when and if the words "I love you" are spoken they are a direct movement of ourselves as the considerate/caring being and not separate from life itself and that they do not have to be spoken in order to show the respect/consideration/caring for all life.
I commit myself to move, breathe my current relationship and the relationship with others with practicality, common sense and stability.
When a reaction within me arises to where I attach the memory of my EX and experience hate, I commit myself to STOP, BREATHE, CLEAR it and not participate-until it no longer arises within me.