Monday, July 2, 2012

Day 9-Admiring the Life of Others Part 1

Yesterday I was on Facebook and occasionally I like to check people's profile's to see what they are up to or have done since the last time we spoke or saw each other. There is this girl I went to Dahn Yoga with  back in 2008. Since then she has had quite the traveling adventure around the world-working at different places. She is a diver and a photographer. Yesterday I looked at her latest album of ocean life-photo's she took while diving.
What I experienced within me was a sense of admiration for her, for her life style, for her accomplishments. Then I went to compare my life to hers-I judged my life as being boring and useless because I have not traveled, or have accomplished anything to where me or someone else can look at/reflect me and say-"yeah she is great at doing this or that". I've not being able to commit to anything that I have touched or came across and I have not been able to allow myself to simply live and practice/share a skill. Travelling has been something of a "wish" for me because it is something I never got to do in fact- for I never had the clear opportunity (meaning in my immediate environment an opportunity to work and travel never came up) to do so AND I guess there was a sense of fear of being alone out there.
The other point is that I can't say that I am good at something from the perspective of how some people have a trait of being good at doing something-practically. Like my brother and James are good at computers and programming, they know their way around it, they go to hack-a-tons,they enjoy it, they work together-they share this skill together. I can't say this about myself-I can't say that I am good at anything in particular-where I can share a skill with another, participate in whatever activities within that skill. Everything that I had tried has died-because somewhere down the road I could not commit to myself, I never got to be in a group of people that practice a particular skill within their life (aside from Desteni-where I have not been able to bond with others-because it's only online which makes it difficult to actually bond in person through sharing an experience and participating together doing something).
The closest thing I can think of is YOGA. However what seemed to stop me from participating in group (as for example -yoga retreats, expanding the skill, training) was 1. it cost money and 2. yoga is seen as a spiritual practice in which I cannot participate given what I know about spirituality through Desteni as well as what i have realized for myself when I was in the spiritual environment (love and light bullshit). I had a chance to teach YOGA, I just couldn't find the ground where I can teach as self expression and not spiritual knowledge. I was always worried about my audience that I am teaching-to provide to them what they have come for within the practice of yoga-but given what they wanted was a spiritual approach- or type of yoga practice I had no full knowledge of-I couldn't do it. I judged myself as a YOGA teacher, I judged myself as a toddler's teacher, and I am still judging myself as a future school teacher-Will I be able to do it? How do I approach teaching? What is my teaching style? Is my teaching style good enough for me to be hired as a teacher? Will I fail at being a teacher because I do not know how to teach what they want me to teach as suppose to what I would like to teach? What is it that I would like to teach, as a teaching style, material? How do I NOT fuck up children as a teacher? All these questions-challenges I have seen/see and get discouraged, scared- Am I good enough? Do I have what it takes? Do I have the skill to do it? Doubt in self, fear of failure. What is it that I want to accomplish in this life? What is my goal? If I don't even know my goal, how am I supposed to direct myself to committing-accomplishing-moving forward-expanding myself, have something to offer this world as what is best for all.

After I admired her pictures/work/life through Facebook-I stopped and investigated this feeling.  The fact that I compared my life to hers as in I was at the empty/negative polarity to her fulfilling/positive polarity I realized that admiration is a sort of jealousy-jealousy in it's positive charge.
And this girl I am speaking of- I know nothing about her life in fact. I get an image from a picture-fragment/ a moment of her life that she shared- I don't know how she got there, what she had to walk, what she had to do, what her challenges were that she faced to get where she is today- so in reality I am admiring a picture/moment/fragment of someone's life from my mind representation based on her pictures.

I realized that YES, it is true that I have not committed myself to anything in particular-I do give up many times when I see that something is a challenge, when my motivation towards something dies-(which would imply that motivation was not real to begin with). It means that my motivation was charged up in the event of something-like admiring someone's life and then when I tried it for myself-to accomplish a skill, to be "good" at something I give up because I don't receive group support, because it becomes a challenge, it becomes a responsibility, and the motivation dies with the charge.
Then another branch of this point is perhaps I unconsciously want to be on the other side-the one who's life is admired by others-(this comes from the statement I said above-"yeah she is great at doing this or that").

So obviously this is a problem that requires self forgiveness-correction and redirection. I will continue with the SF statements in tomorrow's writing.

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