Thursday, January 17, 2013

Day 19-Feeling Dreamy



Here I am looking at how I have accepted and allowed to use feeling dreamy as an excuse to not be effective and active within daily activities and particularly towards writing and walking my process.

Since I began my last school semester my time to write dropped dramatically which is why I stopped writing or rather because I was not occupied with "thinking" about writing I decided that I had no time to do it for I was dedicating my time to school projects. Then when I was tired I told myself "I don't have time to write my process". This then turned into "I don't have time to write" because I began to see writing as a "chore" or another item on my list I had to complete like it was homework. The idea of it feeling like a chore turned me away from willing to write. Then school ended and now I really had no made up excuses for not writing, but getting in the habit of not writing over the school semester it seemed so much easier if I did not write. Within me I knew I should not stop but here it is...I have not written a process blog in over 4 months. That is all my responsibility. Then I began to think about writing which is why this blog is called "Feeling Dreamy". After reading others' blogs I'd say to myself- "here it is now get back to writing Anna!" but I let it stay only in my mind and as we know already thinking about doing something has no physical effects- it has to actually be physically walked.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stop my writing process with the excuse that I don't have time to do it because of school.
I realize that writing has got nothing to do with "having time" but rather with making time, because I realize how crucial writing is to my journey/process to walking in the physical. Since I have stopped writing I have lost my voice and my self-direction instead of handling situations in stability and walking through points that arise- I have been suppressing the points or walked them in my mind which obviously has not been effective. I have become timid and quiet instead of speaking up,  more internally reactive and having more back chats about myself and others, judgmental towards other and myself and most of all- DEAD because there was no will to do anything. Days would just fly by and I would be in a dreamy feeling just floating around allowing others to move me, be my voice and so on. I realize that through writing I am actually physically walking points in everyday life and by walking the points in writing I am investigating the points to align myself to being effective, willing to move myself and knowing how to respond/handle next time a similar situation happens that I need to face rather than react.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be willing to move myself and walk the points that arise within me which I need to face.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I can walk process in my mind knowing that for process to be effective I must walk in in physical time and space.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to say that I don't have time rather than make time to do my writing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to self sabotage me, self victimize me by creating a blame towards school, time, and other people that I have not been able to be effective within walking my process, that I have been allowing myself to participate in the back chat, internalize what I am feeling because I should know better than that. I should know better than to sabotage my process and give up the right to my mind to be my driven factor.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my mind determine my life which is everything that I have accepted and allowed myself to exists as within self interest and confusion, instability, emotions, feelings, memories that cloud me from being practical, self expressive, stable, willing.

I commit myself yet again to my daily journey/process writing.
I commit myself to make time to write my journey/process.
I commit myself to wake up from the dreamy stage I have allowed myself to exists in and start to willingly move myself within the physical.

When I begin to make an excuse to not have to write, I stop, I breathe, I reach to my laptop, go on my blog page and get to writing that which needs to be communicated, written in the open first for myself and second so that others may see and receive an assistance to their process as I receive assistance from other's process that I read about.

I realize there are more points related to this topic that I will begin addressing tomorrow.
To be continued...

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