Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Day 26-Deleting CharACTers: Crying As a Form of Release

What I have noticed about myself is that my reaction to being irritated, annoyed, frustrated, angry if pushed to its limit will be me crying-which is a clear indication of me reacting, of course, to an issue/problem projected towards another or myself, not solving the problem/issue but exploding up in tears because I have allowed myself to be taken out of my stability point.

Now, the crying character comes out innocent as me reacting to an emotion but it can very easily be manipulative because when the other person sees me crying they begin to feel bad about me and probably confused as to what set me up in tears on the first place (unless they were paying close attention to how I was reacting, or deliberately wanted to get a reaction out of me-in which case they "won").  Crying is the point where the emotion has already built up within myself and my body needs to release it-so I cry (with others this point may be flipping tables, hitting others or themselves, hurting, yelling- much more severe consequences). But since I tend to internalize more than externalize crying is the worse reaction to an emotion that will come out of me. Whatever the reaction it is not OK.

The truth is I don't intentionally use crying as a form of manipulation however it does help as a wall breaker to open up the conversation to the real problem that caused the crying reaction. The problem with this is that even though it helps to take out the emotion it was still a reaction that was allowed to take place and placed me out of my stability point. This is NOT how I would like to solve problems or make decisions (like riding a roller coaster= there is an issue that keeps building within me- I react by exploding in tears- I calm down and proceed to possibly solve the issue). Instead I am looking to when an issue arises to breathe, relax and walk myself through the issue in stability because then I am able to address way more than when I have already reacted.

Being able to address issues or make decisions in stability is a huge thing in this journey process for everyone who is walking it- because lets face it, as human "nature" we react with emotions and feelings which leads to consequential results with no common sense solution simply because in the point of reaction upon emotion/feeling we are taken out of stability and all over the place in our minds unable to look at things with clarity. So human "nature" as we so call it is def able to change. All it takes is the realization that it is possible to self change and stop allowing the excuse that our reactions are "human nature" so "I'll simply accept and do nothing about it".....and the action to stand up within ourselves and do something about it (we are not babies and have plenty of words we can use to communicate an issue, look at it in perspective in all aspects and formulate a solution that will work out for the best of all)- which is essentially what is being done with the blogs I am writing, and what we are all busy walking in the Desteni group (individually-because all humans come from different places and backgrounds full of mental issues that think it is apparently NORMAL). Also on the big scale we are addressing how we can change the system to one that values LIFE because lets face it, once we are able to change on individual level= we can clearly see that what we accept and allow to govern our lives within the current system is def not working in what is best for all life- which brings us to the point that if one is able to see that we must change ourselves to individuals that are able to make common sense decisions with stability then-one is able to see how we can create a system that works best for all- I mean it goes hand in hand (small scale=big scale).
What emerges from that point on is actually being able to live in stability, make wise/common sense choices and decisions=to better/evolved humanity overall.

Now, back to myself.
Let's take for example, my ballroom experience yesterday. James and I were dancing bachata. My body had just relaxed to the movements (as natural, rather than thinking of my movements) and we were introduced to a new move. I had a hard time making the movement and after repeated tries and failing to do it right I got frustrated. I was so close to bursting into tears that one more word out of the dance instructor (didn't matter what he could have said) would have tipped me off into tears. He must have seen my frustration at which point we stopped and switched to another dance. I had to walk away, take a deep breathe and drink some water before returning to dancing. Why did I get frustrated? Was it the point of approach or because I could not get the move try after try. Did I feel pushed or maybe I thought I looked stupid because I was not getting it.
What could I have done differently so that I did not get frustrated. Perhaps I could have stopped myself once I realized that I was not getting this move tonight and that is OK. I cannot expect to get every move from the first try. Some movements I need to walk at a slower pace, by myself- literally step by step.

Next blog I am walking the Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective statements from my dance practice.

I must say that the crying point has multiple dimensions which I will have to walk out of-because crying is the end result. What needs to be addressed is each cause. I will be addressing each point/cause as it arises within me.

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