Continuing from my last blog Day 42- I as a Teacher - Self Reflection
"So I am walking a few points actually- the fear, anger reaction and my definition of who I am as a teacher and to learn how to handle a future situation like this without reaction- in stability".
Lets look at the point of fear and anger towards that teacher. The way I experienced myself when it was time to walk into the room for my PM Pre-K session was shortness of breath, crawling into a shell and not wanting to be seen. Every step I took towards that room was a step I wanted to take back towards my office. For the first 15 minutes the other teacher was in the room (with whom I did not experience the same feeling as with THE this one even though they both had their way of bullying me) so I felt a bit more open and free to try out different things with the students. When THE other teacher came in after her lunch break....the moment that door opened and I knew it was her coming into the room, my heart would jump. I would have to be with her for the next 2 hours. I knew she was not going to help me and when the class got out of control she would not back me up, and if I was to try something new she would cut me off saying I was not supposed to do this and that...The moment she walked into the room I closed myself up, I did not even want her hearing me when I spoke to the children, I wanted nothing to do with her. I did not know how to handle the situation. I never felt disrespected like that in my life. I was and still am angry at that woman when I think of her. I am angry that someone has the nerve to treat another person like trash.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ever let another person bring me down, bully me and define me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide in confrontations by being quiet and passive, by not standing up for what is common sense, for not investigating what the common sense in the situation is and directing the point from there.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing fear and anger to grow within me and direct the expression of my physical body.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be so occupied with the fear and anger that I would not allow myself to enjoy the students (even if they were acting up) and direct my anger onto them, where I would be less patient with them and I would get frustrated.
Now lets look at the next point- who I am as a teacher that I have allowed to manifest in general through my experience so far as well as through the experience with THE teacher. As mentioned the Day 42 blog, I have always expected for my hand to be taken and for someone to guide me through and by having that very expectation I am showing to myself that I ma depended on other teachers/supervisors to lead me and tell me what to do, and who to be as a teacher. When THE teacher did not support me and back me up I had no foundation ground to stand on because I did not know what to do....I expected her to guide me just like the previous teachers have done in the past....I did not take the initiative to walk into the room and take charge so to speak- because I felt insecure/unstable about taking charge.
I am not excusing her bullying behavior of course, however I do have to reflect on how I accepted and allowed her bullying behavior to shut me down and closed my growth as a teacher.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined as a teacher by other teachers whether that is through holding my hand and guiding me (defined as the positive experience) or through stabbing me in the heart (as the negative aspect of that experience). And if we look at both polarities I see that the positive one actually created the negative. I had built a dependence point with the positive only to be crushed down by the negative.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have have my hand held and being passive as to what goes on in the room as in "I don't know better", instead of stepping up and taking charge of the room with the students, finding out what needs to be done in the room and if it's not from THE teacher, then someone who will cooperate with me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be dependent not just in the teacher realm, but in my every day realm where I have become depended on others to move myself, motivate myself- this will be for another topic, and even though I have covered it before at some point- it needs to be readdressed until the point is cleared up.
Bottom line is, aside from how I allowed myself to be defined by THE teacher, this environment was not a supportive environment for me as a person and a teacher. When team work was not established between us- it affected the environment with the students creating a stressful situation for all of us. Thus I am not longer at that position....however I am preparing myself for similar situations and I as a teacher!
Next post Self Commitments.