Thursday, November 28, 2013

Day 48- Process Dependence Self Forgiveness

Continuing from previous blog Day 47-Process Support Dependence-(Approve Me)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have created a dependency relationship to my husband/others within the need/requirement to move/motivate myself through activities and process participation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my husband/others for my process inconsistency instead of realizing that I create the inconsistence myself and I am solely responsible to move myself through my process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to experience the good/positive energy of social interaction and place this as a foundation towards moving/motivating myself in process and all other activities and in that creating and participating in the approval and validation of social interaction as I have been using it to not feel/be alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the dependency energy and use as a form of motivation in my process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel/need/require to be approved by my husband/others to validate my process or any actions as "real" instead of standing strong in walking process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire the acceptance/approval/validation specifically by my husband so that I have "a piece of mind" that he is OK with me walking my process and in that avoiding any conflict that may arise in between because of his resistance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into a reaction of fleeing, running away within myself any time my husband confronts me with his reactions towards Desteni and thus looking/searching for him to join in so that he would simply get me/accept me/my process and in that validate that what I am doing is Ok and then I don't have to feel I am alone in this, being in a position to prove and validate what I am doing is REAL.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have to prove to my husband/others that my process is REAL and that Desteni is the real deal, instead of focusing on my process regardless of all odds around me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that in creating my process dependence on my husband/others I am only building a wall for myself, I am slowing myself down from growing, expanding, realizing and really becoming my process in its totality as who I am and not treat process as something separate from me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that by continuing and becoming my process my husband will fall behind because he will not be with me moving forward, expanding, not realizing that every person is in fact walking process whether with Desteni or not, and in reality we are walking our individual process and instead of opening up and working with what I got here with my husband and utilizing what is in front of me and seeing how I can walk/interact with him as where he is in his process, I search for ways to alternate it, change it and project an idea.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not allowing myself to become/be my process, completely merge within me/my process and become a living example, not realizing that part of my problem emerges from the fact that I am still walking in separation from my myself/process, having an outside view rather than being the walker first hand.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to simply breathe, touch/feel every moment of my process, as I am searching for an end result and by searching for an end result I am projecting ideas into the future which may  not even be valid as to what I am currently creating, I am thus walking an idea and not my process in fact.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to built resistance to accepting my process as one and equal and instead of moving/walking through it as I know I should I create personalities of resentment and spitefulness which emerges as backchat and then dictates how I behave towards my husband/others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use process as a form of prove/approval with my husband so that he would just see me, see what I am doing, that it is REAL and within that my focus is shifted to not utilizing myself/process in self honesty (which in terms makes it UNREAL from that perspective), but rather I have created this character where I would humbly, in secret try to use little segments, or I would listen to an interview and within my mind I would say" Oh, he should hear this part, perhaps that part would make him see" and within that thought I am already not one and equal to my process as it becomes about my husband and no longer myself.

Self Commitment to come...

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Day 47-Process Dependence- (Approve Me)

Here I am continuing to walk the point from my previous blog Day 46- Process Dependence . Following the previous blog I am going to take on the first point I see relevant in walking and that is the need/requirement/dependence to be with others participating in the same thing in order to be motivated to participate as well. In the last post's particular case was the need for my husband to join Desteni and /or to be around other Destonians so that I can be consistent in walking my process. However this applies for any social activity I have ever come across with. The moment others fall away, are no longer participating I quit as well.

So lets unfold this point:
Why?- it feels good because I am not alone, it can be shared and I am "not alone" it is socially approved by others/my husband.
How? - the presence of others doing the same thing together is sharing the same activity and it makes it more enjoyable and it is approved by others.

My starting point thus was not to participate in the activity itself but socialize through the activity, so when the social feeling is no longer there, neither am I. When I bring this to my process then my starting point has been that of belonging to a group rather than the process itself and thus participation within the process with others has been inconsistent.
The social feeling is attached validation/ "approval" from others/my husband, and when I am not "approved/validated" then I am discouraged to motivate me.  This then means that I want my husband/others to approve/validate my process, make it "socially Ok" but since I am getting resistance from him- it means he does not approve and thus can't validate my process. And this has eager me to prove process to him so that he can accept "my process/me".  And because I cannot move myself- it creates a situation where my proving is not validated because my starting point is to prove process and not walk it, be it.

Okay, Self Forgiveness to come as well as more dimensions of investigating dependency in general because I experience dependency on other levels as well.

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Day 46- Process Dependence

Today I will be discussing letting go of my partner's/husband's hand (figuratively speaking) as part of dependence in my process. It has been hard for me to walk my process with a non Destonian (for those who are not aware of what that means- it simply means that my partner/husband is not an active participant with the Desteni group by his choice) because in my personality design I have noticed that I do better in participating in activities when I am not alone, when I am with someone else that in a way holds my hand to drive me towards decisions/activities/motivation. And because he has resisted Desteni and starting his process I have allowed myself to be in resistance as well because I have not been able to move myself, motivate myself in my process as he is not moving with me and in other words he is not pulling me forward as something I expect to rely and count on him.  

I have kept this within myself for a long time not knowing how to express it or what was the origin for me not being able to move myself through my process. It was the expectation that he will eventually join me and we can move together....but I realize that it has rather been the expectation for him to join me so that I can move myself and in that giving away my responsibility towards my own process in the hands of my husband. Keeping this within me over time has been a friction/conflict and has created backchat towards my partner/husband as in I internally blame him for "holding me back" in my process when it is I who is holding myself back. I think that this point within my process runs on a deep level as I have such a resistance to letting go of his hand so that I can learn how to be self responsible to move myself trough my process. 

Yesterday listened to the google hand out "Perspective on Relationships with a Non-Destonian" where this point was looked at and even though I was well aware of everything that was being said- I experienced an anger point within myself for everyone out there walking a relationship with a non Destonain and the way I placed it within me was not walking but rather "having to deal with" a non Destonian, as if they were some form an annoyance for not choosing to walk process along side with their partner and giving us a hard time.

Then as I was browsing FB I read a comment by another person (will not mention his name) who was referring an old video of Desteni "This is the desteni I would pay to be a part please tell me what must I do or who must I pay what amount to talk to someone who knows what they are talking about."
Underneath the comment Maya Harel:
 "You want to be part of what Desteni stands for, then you must first start with yourself. This cannot be bought with any sum of money as it is individual decision that one is making within and as oneself, to assist and support oneself to stand as principle as a living expression of oneself. Obviously, making the decision doesn't mean that one is now practically living one's decision as this is a process of accumulation where slowly but surely one becomes the living expression of that which is best for all life through Self Forgiveness, Self Commitment and practical/physical living correction/change." 

His comment was about wanting to live on the Farm to be with people who were in process and not just online, to what Maya basically responded that it did not matter where one was as this was an individual decision to walk process with awareness and standing alone but with the group.  I was able to relate to he guy's comment. So many times I have said the same thing (not in those words) but the idea that living or being among other Destonians will somehow make my process easier and I will be more consistent with my process which is the same as wanting my husband to join me so that I have at least one Destonian with whom I can be everyday to make sure that I am consistent with walking my process. 

What those two examples shows me is that I am reliant/dependent, that I have given my self responsibility to my own process in the hands of another or in the hands of a mind projected idea. And because this has been imprinted within me on a deep level I must walk out of it step by step. 

The first step is making the decision that I must be able to walk my process alone, meaning without the need to have another by my side walking process and pulling my hand to make sure that I am consistent with myself. So when I do finally meet with other Destonians and if my husband ever does decide to walk process with Desteni then it will be no different than if I am walking it alone. Then it can be a starting point of enjoyment with other Destonians rather than depending my process on them. That is what it means to be stable in all ways.

So today I am letting go of my husband's hand of dependence and the idea that I need to be among other Destonians to walk my process. To do so it will be a process of itself of course. So in my next blog I will start working and identifying why I require others to move myself as part of my personality design and how that may have been developed during my childhood.