Saturday, November 16, 2013

Day 46- Process Dependence

Today I will be discussing letting go of my partner's/husband's hand (figuratively speaking) as part of dependence in my process. It has been hard for me to walk my process with a non Destonian (for those who are not aware of what that means- it simply means that my partner/husband is not an active participant with the Desteni group by his choice) because in my personality design I have noticed that I do better in participating in activities when I am not alone, when I am with someone else that in a way holds my hand to drive me towards decisions/activities/motivation. And because he has resisted Desteni and starting his process I have allowed myself to be in resistance as well because I have not been able to move myself, motivate myself in my process as he is not moving with me and in other words he is not pulling me forward as something I expect to rely and count on him.  

I have kept this within myself for a long time not knowing how to express it or what was the origin for me not being able to move myself through my process. It was the expectation that he will eventually join me and we can move together....but I realize that it has rather been the expectation for him to join me so that I can move myself and in that giving away my responsibility towards my own process in the hands of my husband. Keeping this within me over time has been a friction/conflict and has created backchat towards my partner/husband as in I internally blame him for "holding me back" in my process when it is I who is holding myself back. I think that this point within my process runs on a deep level as I have such a resistance to letting go of his hand so that I can learn how to be self responsible to move myself trough my process. 

Yesterday listened to the google hand out "Perspective on Relationships with a Non-Destonian" where this point was looked at and even though I was well aware of everything that was being said- I experienced an anger point within myself for everyone out there walking a relationship with a non Destonain and the way I placed it within me was not walking but rather "having to deal with" a non Destonian, as if they were some form an annoyance for not choosing to walk process along side with their partner and giving us a hard time.

Then as I was browsing FB I read a comment by another person (will not mention his name) who was referring an old video of Desteni "This is the desteni I would pay to be a part please tell me what must I do or who must I pay what amount to talk to someone who knows what they are talking about."
Underneath the comment Maya Harel:
 "You want to be part of what Desteni stands for, then you must first start with yourself. This cannot be bought with any sum of money as it is individual decision that one is making within and as oneself, to assist and support oneself to stand as principle as a living expression of oneself. Obviously, making the decision doesn't mean that one is now practically living one's decision as this is a process of accumulation where slowly but surely one becomes the living expression of that which is best for all life through Self Forgiveness, Self Commitment and practical/physical living correction/change." 

His comment was about wanting to live on the Farm to be with people who were in process and not just online, to what Maya basically responded that it did not matter where one was as this was an individual decision to walk process with awareness and standing alone but with the group.  I was able to relate to he guy's comment. So many times I have said the same thing (not in those words) but the idea that living or being among other Destonians will somehow make my process easier and I will be more consistent with my process which is the same as wanting my husband to join me so that I have at least one Destonian with whom I can be everyday to make sure that I am consistent with walking my process. 

What those two examples shows me is that I am reliant/dependent, that I have given my self responsibility to my own process in the hands of another or in the hands of a mind projected idea. And because this has been imprinted within me on a deep level I must walk out of it step by step. 

The first step is making the decision that I must be able to walk my process alone, meaning without the need to have another by my side walking process and pulling my hand to make sure that I am consistent with myself. So when I do finally meet with other Destonians and if my husband ever does decide to walk process with Desteni then it will be no different than if I am walking it alone. Then it can be a starting point of enjoyment with other Destonians rather than depending my process on them. That is what it means to be stable in all ways.

So today I am letting go of my husband's hand of dependence and the idea that I need to be among other Destonians to walk my process. To do so it will be a process of itself of course. So in my next blog I will start working and identifying why I require others to move myself as part of my personality design and how that may have been developed during my childhood.

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