Thursday, November 28, 2013

Day 48- Process Dependence Self Forgiveness



Continuing from previous blog Day 47-Process Support Dependence-(Approve Me)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have created a dependency relationship to my husband/others within the need/requirement to move/motivate myself through activities and process participation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my husband/others for my process inconsistency instead of realizing that I create the inconsistence myself and I am solely responsible to move myself through my process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to experience the good/positive energy of social interaction and place this as a foundation towards moving/motivating myself in process and all other activities and in that creating and participating in the approval and validation of social interaction as I have been using it to not feel/be alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the dependency energy and use as a form of motivation in my process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel/need/require to be approved by my husband/others to validate my process or any actions as "real" instead of standing strong in walking process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire the acceptance/approval/validation specifically by my husband so that I have "a piece of mind" that he is OK with me walking my process and in that avoiding any conflict that may arise in between because of his resistance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into a reaction of fleeing, running away within myself any time my husband confronts me with his reactions towards Desteni and thus looking/searching for him to join in so that he would simply get me/accept me/my process and in that validate that what I am doing is Ok and then I don't have to feel I am alone in this, being in a position to prove and validate what I am doing is REAL.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have to prove to my husband/others that my process is REAL and that Desteni is the real deal, instead of focusing on my process regardless of all odds around me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that in creating my process dependence on my husband/others I am only building a wall for myself, I am slowing myself down from growing, expanding, realizing and really becoming my process in its totality as who I am and not treat process as something separate from me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that by continuing and becoming my process my husband will fall behind because he will not be with me moving forward, expanding, not realizing that every person is in fact walking process whether with Desteni or not, and in reality we are walking our individual process and instead of opening up and working with what I got here with my husband and utilizing what is in front of me and seeing how I can walk/interact with him as where he is in his process, I search for ways to alternate it, change it and project an idea.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not allowing myself to become/be my process, completely merge within me/my process and become a living example, not realizing that part of my problem emerges from the fact that I am still walking in separation from my myself/process, having an outside view rather than being the walker first hand.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to simply breathe, touch/feel every moment of my process, as I am searching for an end result and by searching for an end result I am projecting ideas into the future which may  not even be valid as to what I am currently creating, I am thus walking an idea and not my process in fact.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to built resistance to accepting my process as one and equal and instead of moving/walking through it as I know I should I create personalities of resentment and spitefulness which emerges as backchat and then dictates how I behave towards my husband/others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use process as a form of prove/approval with my husband so that he would just see me, see what I am doing, that it is REAL and within that my focus is shifted to not utilizing myself/process in self honesty (which in terms makes it UNREAL from that perspective), but rather I have created this character where I would humbly, in secret try to use little segments, or I would listen to an interview and within my mind I would say" Oh, he should hear this part, perhaps that part would make him see" and within that thought I am already not one and equal to my process as it becomes about my husband and no longer myself.

Self Commitment to come...



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