Thursday, January 2, 2014

Day 50- Silent Anger/External Spite



Yesterday my partner started to make lunch, I had been on a walk and when I came back I saw he was cooking so I offered my help. He said I can make the salad if I did not make it the lazy way (he has in the past told me that my salad looks lazy without any effort).

So I looked at him and said with a little attitude: "You mean make it like you do it???" He said: "You don't have to just don't make it lazy". I thought for a bit, what does he mean by a lazy salad. I had all kids of thought rushing through as I had already reacted to his words and I was internally fighting myself not to externalize my reaction to him. And I thought I was releasing it in this way. However I was far from releasing this reaction.
My next words were "Well, what is a lazy salad?" (again with a little attitude but trying to hide my reaction). He told me it was the way I cut the vegetables- instead of taking my time to chop everything, I cut them big and they don't taste as delicious. In which response I said: "So YOU DO want me to cut them like you do!" He said: I guess so, because once you find a good way to make a salad why make it any other way that won't taste as good. I did not say anything else- but the whole time I was making the salad I was having a reaction to his words about my lazy salad. I noticed that when I was cutting the salad my hands were holding the knife with anger, and I vigorously chopped the vegetables.
I knew I was reacting and tried to stop myself, I was breathing but the reaction was activated and was not going away. It was a feeling in my upper stomach area that manifested as an spite/anger/rebellious point, where apparently I was taking it out on the vegetables and through that externalizing my reaction chopping them "the wrong way" (without being careful). It was my way of showing my partner my little tantrum. He did not say anything to me though. I fought myself for a bit because I knew what I was doing was not OK, but could not stop myself as long as I was experiencing the feeling in my stomach thus my actions were clouded by that feeling to such an extend that I really did not consider that my partner was correct when he said that the salad tastes better when chopped.
Later when the reaction had gone and I had eaten the salad I figured that the salad tastes better chopped because when it is finely cut the vegetables release more of their flavor.

So lets explore my reaction. I tend to react with a silent anger/external spite towards someone when I am being told that I can't do something "right"even though I had tried many times. Majority of the time it is when the person has not explained why they say I am doing something wrong....or want to be the right one regarding the situation.
Now of course there is no right or wrong way to make the salad, however there is a way to make the salad more delicious. Thus the point here is not right or wrong as I tend to perceive it, but rather what would make better sense for the given situation.

Silent anger/external spite is a re-occurrent reaction I experience when the situations is set up perfect for that reaction to activate. At the end I always end up "looking/acting stupid" because nothing effective comes out of my reaction, only dissatisfaction of myself.
This reaction is also triggered by me not being able to communicate effectively, in stability.

Since this is a general reaction I experience in different situation with a similar trigger I will do the self forgiveness and corrective application on the general experience and participation of silent anger/externalized spite.

SELF FORGIVENESS

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to split myself into two personalities (silent anger/external spite) in reaction to experiencing a dissatisfying feeling and the inability to communicate myself clearly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live the split personality of silent anger/external spite and fighting myself to suppress it rather than investigate it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see that the reaction of being silent in anger and express it in spite is a polarity construct existing within me because I have built it as a defense mechanism towards the attacker.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT see that the reaction is triggered by something within me that has imprinted from a previous negative experience and now every time a situation/person triggers me the reaction automatically plays out and I accept it to play out by participating in it and not investigating myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT see that in the moment of the reaction my actions are clouded, that in that moment the reaction activates, my mind goes into the memory/feeling of the imprint of my past negative experience and creates the current experience and how I feel in that moment towards the situation/person and absorbs all of that emotion/feeling/energy that runs through my body in the moment of anger and spite and essentially feeds off of the energy, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feed and entertain such energy for my mind while my physical body is paying the price.

Forgiveness for the salad scenario:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to take my reaction on the vegetables in the form of spite that derived from my silent anger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT see/feel/understand that I did not consider my physical interaction with the vegetables as part of the process of making a salad and handling them and myself and the knife with care.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT consider the physical moment of making the salad and how my hands were handling the knife and how I was cutting the vegetables.

SELF CORRECTING STATEMENTS:

When and if I am presented with a situation/person that triggers silent anger/external spite I stop I breathe and look into what/why it is being triggered.

When and if I begin to experience silent anger/external spite, I stop, I breathe and I consider the reality of the situation, I assess how to communicate myself effectively with the other person to where my words are not coming from the starting point of the reaction, if the reactions continues to come, I move myself away until I have calmed down so that I am able to communicate effectively and in that consider the physical reality of what I am doing.

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