Friday, January 3, 2014

Day 51- Letting Go of my Cats

(At the old house)

I used to have a cat back in Bulgaria when I was 12-14 years old. His name was Tommy (he was a kitten). He was a Siamese cat and I got him on my 12th Bday (I think). I was so happy that I finally got a cat. I had been wanting one for a very long time but my parents kept telling me no (at least that is my side of the story). I don't think they gave me a reason to why the answer was "no". So when they finally agreed to get me a cat I was really excited. After two years and a half, we left for the States (1998) and we could not take him with us. I was sad because I had created an attachment to him and as many people think about their pets I thought he would be feeling sad as well (however as I find out through Desteni animals don't have a mind like ours thus they don't experience feelings and emotions like us- they are simply physical beings expressing and interacting with their physical environment and people that are there and yes they love to interact with their caretakers but will eventually adjust to their physical environment and people as long as their physical needs are met and they are not experiencing trauma or an abusive environment).
One of my biggest sadness thought I generated within me was "What is he going to think when we leave him behind?". I thought he would experience sadness like I was experiencing it and that he will miss me like I missed him. He ended up giving him to my grandma who eventually gave him away to someone else. I never heard from him again. I had a picture of him when he was a kitten and I used it to charge my sadness for him and cry digging myself into memories of the cat.
After about a year of us arriving here my friend gave me a kitten for Christmas. Her name is Lisa (yes she is still around-going on 15 this year). I quickly forgot about Tommy (as he was only kept in my memories). I recall sometimes, having thoughts about Lisa dying and what was I going to do without her. That if she dies it would be awful. And I am not positive on why those thoughts were happening but at that time of my life I was one emotional teenager that was obsessed with the idea of love and true love and soul mates (only later to discover the deception behind those ideas/feelings/emotions). I probably just generated a polarity within myself that reflected what I was experiencing in my world regarding love and brought those thoughts over to my cat. And I told myself that I will never leave another cat like I did with Tommy.
Fast forward to the year 2009 we got Simba from a shelter. This was not a considerate decision as it was more of an impulse and the idea that I was saving an animal from the shelter. I did not at the time take into consideration how a new cat in the house will affect Lisa (who was now 11 and the only cat for 11 years). Lisa was stressed out because of the sudden environment change but eventually became ok with the new cat and actually started being more social. Simba is a social cat, very playful and enjoys the company of people. He can get rough sometimes with the other cats. Soon after my ex called me and said that one of his friend's cats needed a home. Again I took her in (Abby) without much consideration of changing the environment so soon after taking in Simba. Abby adjusted well with Simba but never with Lisa- this of course plays out with the expressions of the different cats. Over time I realized that the three together were not the best combination for each other, but I had already taken them in. Abby was originally supposed to stay temporarily until I found her a home, but I accepted her in. She is a cat that enjoys being petted and to sit in your lap (not so much being picked up).
So here I was with 3 cats now that were not the best combination for each other. Simba began to act out by becoming territorial and peeing everywhere and scratching where he should not be. Abby and Lisa were ok with each other from distance but there was a little bit of stress between them.
Then I got pregnant and had Victor. It was time to move in with my in laws because the house we were living we could not stay (my parents got divorced and the house had to go). My brother moved out on his own and I and my partner went to his parents so that we can get better assistance with the baby.
I was able to take the 3 cats for some period of time. Because of the living circumstances here (there is a dog) the cats had to go in the downstairs room so now they could not even enjoy the full house and the room sort of became the "cat room" where no one went to hang out in because it is a room that is inconvenient to be in- especially after we had to remove all furniture from there because Simba was peeing everywhere.
It has been like this for some time now and then my father in law said that this room can be utilized for our stuff to go downstairs because we (my partner and I) were taking up the second floor and it was too crowded. Or we could move out and take our cats- but moving out was not an option financially. And even if we did move out finding a place that will take 3 cats in will be pricy unless we buy a home which of course is not an option at the moment. And now I am faced with having to give away two of my cats. I chose Abby and Simba because they are the youngest and that makes more sense.
So here I am at the point of letting go of my cats. I have been looking for a home and all options fell through so now I am left with giving them to a shelter. I guess that is my consequence for not making a considerate decision when adopting the other cats on the first place.

I have not been experiencing any feelings or attachments of not wanting to let the cats go. This point was opened up in a chat with Sunette and after looking at it from a different perspective I no longer have the emotional attachment to animals, rather I see/realize/understand that to truly love an animal is to provide a good home and meet their physical needs so that they can enjoy the physical existence.

I have realized that Abby and Simba will adjust to their new environment and I need to make sure that their physical needs will be met and that the new caregiver is responsible and considerate. However I have been having a hard time finding such a person and I was really opposed to the idea of a shelter, especially when I don't know what will happen in the shelter. Today I contacted a person that volunteers in a shelter. I got a good reference for her from a friend and she gave me a good reference for the shelter she volunteers at. I will go and check it out and proceed from there.

I am writing here today stating that I am ready to let go of my cats and let another care giver take them. I know that they will adjust good in their new place and even thought I will miss them (as in meeting them, hugging, petting and playing), I am not sad.

Will keep updated on the shelter info.

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