Thursday, January 23, 2014

Day 58- Keeping My Mind Busy- Self Forgiveness

Continuing from Day 57- Keeping My Mind Busy




I have realized that I use the internet and Facebook in particular as a way of distraction from reality- and I refer to it as "taking my mind off things"....that is a funny saying because in reality I am not taking my mind off but rather submerging in my mind in a sort of entertainment and within that I don't realize that I am escaping my physical- my body is sitting or laying down, I am not aware of it, I am not aware of my surroundings per say, I am not aware of my breathing and I am deliberately avoiding doing something productive within my physical reality....whatever it may be.
In my last post I said that it felt like an addiction (net browsing)- being entertained by the stories of others and I have noticed that I am secretly judging them (positively or negatively)- which is what the mind entertainment actually IS.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately submerge in my mind, sink it in a form of entertainment that I have allowed and accepted to become a form of addiction and my way of escaping reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to be drawn into people's stories via the internet and use those stories to entertain my mind in a positive or negative way creating and validating a feeling within me that places me either on a superior level or inferior level to someone's else "life" (as presented on the net) and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge people based on a picture representation of what "pops" up as the newest story/update- the judgement creating a backchat within my mind that reflects my interpretation of what I have seen at that specific moment regarding the particular person which has been a pre programmed/accepted picture of that individual and I simply use the current picture to validate the personality I have given/attached to that person.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to realize that this is a form of addiction that is disguised under innocence that I am simply browsing the net and catching up with people's updates and stories- which has no particular relevance or practical use to my physical environment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself an "internet life" so to speak rather than making a phone call to the person and seeing them in fact and physically interacting with them, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feed the need of entertaining myself through my phone even when I am with the person in physical time as if the internet is more fun, moves faster, a click a way, no need to actually have a conversation with a person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the internet as a fast way to match the fast movement of thoughts that go on in my mind every second- becoming one and equal to that fast movement via the fast clicking or scrolling down and movement that happens while browsing the internet- where I am unable to stick to one view/picture and really look at it and I simply click-view-click-view-glance-click-view cycle, thus I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to slow myself down and to actually really look at and read things that I click on and in that to slow down in my physical reality to actually really look at things, explore, feel be aware of, investigate, be here with the person or task or myself- which allows the opportunity for self direction rather than impulse movement and to really enjoy the smallest particles of what is simply here as myself.

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