Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Day 61- Considering Others Within My Words and Behavior

In a recent chat with Sunette Spies multiple points were opened up for discussion. This blog is continuing from the previous blog Day 60- Stabilizing My World. Next point that opened up was the point of consideration.

"Sunette Spies: What I mean with considering others is before speaking / acting, consider your words and behavior and the impact it has on others. But there again you are giving OTHERS power over you, saying THEY walked over you - which they didn't, somewhere you accepted and allowed it - so, creating a tough character is still created in the point of blame, protecting yourself from others - when it's not about them, but self investigating what self accepted/allowed in being 'walked over' so that it doesn't happen again..."

So the point that opened up was in relation to my grandma, whom I have been experiencing a hard time talking to because of the way I feel around her based on her behavior/programming/personality. She has me reminded of my ex who used manipulation technics to get my attention/love so that I feel sorry for him and sympathize with him. When I am around my grandma- she brings that feeling/emotion that I used to experience with my ex- the result is that I refuse to be placed in this position again and instead of sympathizing with her and giving her the energy she wants from me I have shifted in the opposite polarity point of this feeling- where I rebel against this feeling by being "tough" and avoiding what my grandma is sharing with me. Thus my relationship with her has been that of ineffective communication because I have been avoiding talking to her. And in reality I am not considering her as another being/life, in fact I am placing her inferior to me because she does not understand where her feelings/emotions are coming from and why she feels the need/desire/love from others/me in a manner of requiring particular energy to charge her mind up and make her feel better/not lonely. And within me not considering her I am also not able to be stable and be of effective support for her without having to charge her up.

So let's unravel the feeling I experience when I am in the presence of my grandma (in particular to the rebellious personality I have created to place myself against giving her the desire energy of love/attention/sympathy. And where did it originate, because as Sunette said in her post above- whether I am giving the energy or rebelling to give it- I am allowing for my grandma and other human beings to have power over how I speak and behave and within this I am not only NOT considering them but also myself.
My grandma is actually assisting me with transcending this point of rebellion, however the root of this experience began with my ex. Thus I first must forgive myself regarding my acceptance and allowance to let such experience imprint into my body- from the polarity of allowing people to walk over me to the opposite polarity of being tough and not caring about people and investigating the programming.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for blaming others for taking advantage of me and "walking over me" because of my accepted personality design of being the "nice" one, the one ready to help everyone and wanting the special feeling of the "savior" and "healer" and in that allowing myself to be naive and be fooled, manipulated and getting hurt.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to play out the character of the nice person who is ready to give all my heart and not realizing that I was doing that in self interest because my niceness always came with a specific energy charge and it was driven by the idea of helping others, and the special/specific interest point I experienced towards that person (which in this case was my ex).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to blame my ex for me allowing him to manipulate me not realizing where his programming came from and how his programming had defined him into the personality design he was acting out and what/love/attention he allowed to be lacking within himself that he then required me to fill.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to place myself in a position of being real assistance to him rather than the "savior" character, and then realizing that the relationship was not an effective one and walking away at the very beginning, instead I allowed for the relationship to continue and built on this manipulation character where I felt a victim of.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to feel a victim of the relationship because of certain believes I was experiencing at that time that had to do with love and attention- only to come back at me in the form of being manipulated, not realizing that my ex was mirroring/projecting my believes about love a the time and making me see how ridiculous they were (that would be before Desteni and the realization of what "love" as the mind programming design is) and not realizing that the way they were mirrored back at me was showing me that I was coming from my programming personality of thinking I was "lacking" that special love of a "man/the one"to complete me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exists as the victim personality design, as the I need a "the one" to make me complete, as I lack the special attention only a man can show me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to not understand/see/realize that the reason I built the touch character was because I did not at the time know how to respond to what I was experiencing as the victim of manipulation- and that the tough personality originated from an anger starting point of being tired of allowing to be walked on, thus deciding that if I simply did not care and showed that I did not care about the behavior of the other person that they will not be able to hurt me, draw the desired energy out of, but in that I began to draw energy from them because in a secret kind of way I felt satisfaction within me that they were not getting what they wanted out me.

Thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to behave in that manner towards my grandma, not realizing that it is too late for her to change her personality design and that she requires from a human perspective to be shown love and affection and I am responsible to allow to show her this within a point of stability to where she is not able to draw the energy she wants out of me but rather I defuse her need with my presence and my consideration towards her as a human being.

Thus I commit myself to no longer allow and accept myself to be a victim of manipulation, a victim of self anger, a victim of a tough character. I commit myself to remaining stable within when in the presence of my grandma and others in general. I commit myself to build an effective relationship with my grandma.

If and when I experience myself as being rebellious towards her and not considering my words and feeling this anger/satisfaction point- I stop and I breathe and I remind myself that this is not who I am willing to be- that I am willing to be a considerate human being that investigates and takes perspectives into consideration and is able to remain stable to truly assist another with their process as I continue to walk my process. I remind myself to use gentle words and tone with my grandma and explaining to her best ability to understand me.

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