In another chat with Sunette Spies the point of indecisiveness opened up.
The point came upon when I followed up with my grandma scenario from my last blog where she was pushing "my buttons" within the manipulation and considering others in my words point I walked in my last post- Day 61-Considering Others with my Words and Behavior. The following time I went to visit my grandma she approached me in a way to where I experienced no reaction towards her. The following is part of the chat to get reference instead of retelling the information:
Antoaneta Grodskiy: Yes I experienced/felt no resistances that I will usually feel when I am in her presence. However she approached me in a different manner so maybe that is why. Usually she laches and spills all of her emotions...but this time she was simply talking to me.
Sunette Spies: But still, this shows that who you are is dependent on others - which shows that you still react / change to others, instead of you deciding who you are and directing the moment for yourself and for another. You have to practice remaining stable and 'being there / being with another' despite how they are - sometimes people just need to 'spill' and just being there for them helps them, even to the smallest degree.
Antoaneta Grodskiy: Does the zodiac signs- show the programming?
Sunette Spies: One can use the zodiac signs to walk through personalities. Each human, in fact, have all the zodiac sign traits in some way or another.
Antoaneta Grodskiy: Because one of my biggest issue presented in my zodiac sign is indecisiveness. I am libra and my strongest is looking for justice...lol. The indecisiveness is something that has been with me, if I can place it that way, from a very young age. Needed someone else to direct me or push me- so this is a point in working progress because it is something that I have allowed all my life pretty much. Having the problem in deciding between one thing and another, uncertainty when it comes to making a decision about something (sometimes on a small scale and sometimes on a big scale).
Sunette Spies: Yes, look - the zodiac signs was part of the preprogramming, so humans who aligned their mind / themselves to a zodiac sign - would still walk the consequence of defining oneself according to that - but, one will find indecisiveness exist in all humans to some degree or another; it's always been odd to me with defining self according to what other things / people do / say, instead of self simply seeing for self 'who I am' and how to change it to what is best for self / others - so, with this connection to a 'sign' I would walk forgiveness for defining self according to a sign, according to 'indecisiveness' and then support self to change it.
So there are actually two points that need to be investigated:
1. My dependence on others -a point that I had previously opened up in the blogs Day 46 Process Dependence and Day 47- Process Dependence (Approve Me)- however now I can expand more on it.
2. Indecisiveness- which is connected to the dependence point as a second layer dimension.
Let's look deeper into this part of the chat- "But still, this shows that who you are is dependent on others - which shows that you still react / change to others, instead of you deciding who you are and directing the moment for yourself and for another."
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let others direct me, ultimately decide for me and this is not in the sense of someone telling me what to do, but rather in the sense that I allow myself to "go with the flow".
Thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for someone else to push on a direction where it's like I am there for the ride, going with the flow- not actually looking within myself to see if that is something I want/practical to participate in, something that is of substance.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT check my reactions and to continue riding the reactions of others. For example, if my grandma reacts to me- I react to her. If my grandma does not react to me, I don't react.
I realize that if I was standing in absolute stability I will not be depended on anyones reactions. I will not be riding with the flow. Thus I commit myself to direct my own "flow" according to the practicality/physical necessity of the situation (which is the principle of what is best for all/oness and equality), I commit myself to be my decision factor and starting point.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to essentially self sabotage myself by allowing to be moved/directed by the reactions of others thus I commit myself to no longer allow myself to be directed by the reactions/feelings/thoughts/emotions of others.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself for my process of self change to be depended on the reactions/feelings/thoughts/emotions of others instead of seeing/realizing/understanding my starting point of stability and self change is depended on me and how I move/direct myself in the moment of facing/being with another person who is experiencing a reaction within themselves. Thus I cannot allow and will NO longer allow myself to be a victim of self sabotaging my physical body by going into the energy of reaction of another because I realize that every time I go into an energy reaction my physical body is taking a hit for it (another words stress).
Thus in the event that I am faced with the choice of going into a reaction or not going into a reaction, I take a deep breath and bring myself back to me stating that "I will not allow myself to react and I will not self sabotage myself/my physical body for another/energy/mind)" and that I can direct the situation with stability and breath, assessing what needs to be done from the starting point of assisting another get through their reaction that they are experiencing.
In the event that I am faced with a reaction (that I see I need to address/self investigate/walk) I see/realize and understand that the reaction is something existent within me and not the other person (meaning the other person is responsible for their own reaction not mine), thus I am responsible for looking at the reaction within me and making sure that I walk myself out of it with self forgiveness and corrective application. I realize that a point has many layers so a reaction/point that I have walked may/will come back if another layer of dimension opens up and I commit myself to be ready to face it and walk it instead of falling and playing it out.
I see/realize and understand that until there is an inner reaction existent within me regarding a particular point I should always look at myself for that reaction investigate it, self forgive it, correct it- and I am only able to assist another when the reaction within me has been cleared.
I am now responsible for that self direction because I am in a position that "should know" better than react and is practicing, walking this process with Desteni out of the mind into the physical and I realize that the only thing I can do to assist another (who is not familiar with Desteni or has chosen to not want to walk their process with Desteni) in their process is lead them to a point of non reaction by simply not reacting to them. I call this the defusing process! Because once a person has been defused they have the potential to hearing what is actually being said. Reactions get in the way of hearing common sense/practicality and directing situations/life accordingly.
Ok, next I open up the zodiac sign point of Indecisiveness