Continuing from the previous blog Day 72- Looking at Reactions Through My Physical Body.
I am not sure why hearing the loud sound of someone else directing their energy/reaction in an argument/confrontation at me makes my body tense, and the stomach feeling I described in my previous blog. I do recall the Parenting Series of EQAFE interviews being explained that as babies we accept sounds/energies that we find pleasant and sounds/energies that we do not and will push those "negative" sounds/energies away and within that it registers within my physical bodies as something that we do not want to experience and when we do experience it we find a way to cope with it and create a trait of how to react in situations when that unpleasant sound/energy is triggered.
Also I do recall as a young child being very timid and doing everything to not get in trouble. The idea of being caught in something I should not have been doing or something that would make another judge my actions negatively caused that same stomach reaction within me. This reaction feels very automatic within me like it has been part of me for a very long time.
This is what I realize actually drives my actions towards people when in conflict or when being attacked, because to me being in a conflict is like someone attacking me and I accept the attack- the energy attach to the person who is "attacking" me through their words/sound energy reaction towards "me"/the reason they are attacking me.
So what I must see here is that they are attacking my mind and to not take it personal- as personal means that my mind is reacting to their mind and I cannot see beyond where the bigger picture is so that I can stand by my statement with confidence and not doubt. Instead I become defensive which would imply self justification to why I am right and they are wrong- and that justification may play out in my mind as backchat or in words towards the other person. And my stomach and body is still tense, but at that point I've already moved my awareness to the mind/energy so I am unable to feel my body as the energy of whatever emotion I am experiencing is rushing through my body- typically in anger.
I am not sure what I need to self forgive here but I do know what I must make a commitment to:
Thus I commit myself to when someone directs their energy/reaction towards me to catch myself in that moment where my body becomes tense and focus on releasing the tension with breathing before continuing any further in the conversation with the other person.
I commit myself to further investigate the physical feeling that arises within me during conflict with another person and focus on stoping that moment right before I accept the other person's energy by saying to myself "I will not allow myself to take this personally!" Breath.