Friday, October 31, 2014

Day 81- Correcting My Parent Behavior (Part 1)

Continuing from Day 80- I Am The "Bad" Parent/Teacher

Here I will be doing Self Forgiveness Part 1 on the my previous blog writing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to Victor's screaming as that I approach him with the initial expectation that he will scream based on a pattern that I have allowed to be created in his screaming and my reaction and vise versa my reaction to his screaming.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let the irritation/anger reaction get to me even though in the back of myself I know that I should be stopping myself and that is NOT what I want to do about the situation but I am allowing myself to be already in motion of the charge of reaction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to escalate the reaction on a physical level where I would yell out at him to stop, or use force to do what I wanted him to do to which he refused and gave me resistance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the emotional charge of the irritation/frustration/anger at him to transform into a backchat of spanking him because I don't know how to handle the situation I am faced with and that I created for myself thus the reaction is that of overpowering him with words and because that does not work I start to have thoughts of spanking him as a final solution in my mind- which then I suppress because I don't act out on it and within me is like an inner battle of guilt for having such thoughts when I am aware that this is not the way to teach/model or make effective solutions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself not to realize that even though I don't act upon my back chat of sapnking him by suppressing the emotion/thoughts I actually take it out on him emotionally through my voice, way of movement, and choice of words towards him- where the words/tonality become about power/control (because I asked you to do it and you have to) rather than explaining and giving him common sense reasons to what I ask him to do (which I start off with but it quickly stops after the irritation towards his tantrum starts).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to make this into a pattern which is something I've thought about when being aware of how one can create a pattern or action/reaction however the way I had approach the though was from the starting point of fear of creating a pattern and behold- that is what I had started to create through allowing myself to react to his tantrums.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow the creation of his tantrum instead of seeing/investigating a method that would work towards stopping tantrums instead of emphasizing/provoking them further.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for perceiving discipline as “not allowing him to get his way” and doing anything possible in my immediate “power” to make sure that he does not get his way which indicates to me that my starting point in asking him to do something has to do with control of the parent/child relationship instead of common sense and treating my child as an equal being (meaning no power relationship).

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing to realize that the control/power type of approach I have been using with him is actually a fear point within myself that my child will not be disciplined and follow directions. I see that as a teacher it is very important for the students to follow directions in the classroom and based on the experience I have had with certain children in my teaching years I have built a wall/expectation of what I should do in order to prevent my son from being undisciplined as how I perceive those children in my classroom to be. Within this I forgive for accepting my reaction of fear and the very first experience towards a child who I was as “out of control” that must be put back “in control” and the only way I knew what to do at the time was react towards the child's tantrum in anger/frustration and built the point of blaming the parent for not disciplining their child to behave thus I accepted the role of the fixer-upper of children with behavior issues, not realizing that I as a parent am creating such a point behavior by reacting to an experience I have allowed to define the word/action of discipline.




2 comments:

  1. Cool Antoaneta, some very cool points you covered there.
    I would also look at applying Self Forgiveness on 'Who I am' in the moment of being screamed at / being ignored; as there's a dimension of 'taking it personal' which will creates like a 'panicky' feeling which creates a weakness in your self-application and makes any direction you give less effective. So have a look at the emotional/feeling side that comes into play when someone is being 'defiant' to you and how that makes you feel. Working through this dimension will allow for more self-stability to emerge; as at the moment when you're working with a child, you are still seeing the situation through your own 'emotional mess' so to speak, and once that has been cleared/removed -- it becomes easier to see what is playing out within the child and what direction to take/provide.

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  2. Thank you for your input Leila :)

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