Continuing from Day 81- Correcting My Parent Behavior (Part 1)
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to carry the experience and creating the pattern of reaction towards not knowing how to handle/respond to children who refuse to follow my directions and within that having built a starting point with my son even before he was born of how I will discipline him according to my way/definition of discipline (which is nothing more than a reaction of defense from feeling “attacked” or “disrespected”).
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to position myself in the offense towards the child that has disrespected me without investigating myself, my reaction, or even realizing that I am in a reaction within that moment, because my head is running with thoughts of how to “overpower” the child that is “attacking” me and because within that moment I am unable to consider the child and why they are acting out and that perhaps them acting out has got nothing to do with me personally but rather my approach towards them on the first place to which they are reacting to.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live “discipline” as power/force/control over another rather than exploring and learning discipline as a living example of stability, understanding, commitment and who I am within the words I speak even if the child is throwing a tantrum, and also to not take the tantrum personal but see how my words/actions/example of stability can become supportive.
I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to look at discipline from the perspective of self-discipline before I am able to provide discipline to others/children as an example of myself, thus I need to work on my self discipline as to who I am within the core word/action of discipline, understand /see discipline/self discipline so that I can become an example of what it means to discipline self and another/child.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manifest/create my fear, where my son will behave “bad”, by allowing myself to react to him from the get go and within that reaction building a pattern for him where he will react to my reaction and once the pattern is created it will become his way of dealing not only with me but also with teachers and other people- and in terms I become responsible for creating the “bad behavior” within him because I did not approach him with stability and example of discipline- where what I thought was discipline (with force) backfires at me and creates the very thing I was trying to NOT create. Thus I realize that approaching someone with force (child or adult) is not the effective way take care of a problem and in terms is one way that creates what I would call “bad parenting”/ a child who behaves bad.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cope with my reaction by ignoring/ pushing away the child/my son when I know they will react to me and within that I allow myself to not accept self responsibility about my reaction that I have created and the reaction of the child/my son (which is a reaction towards me).
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cope with my reaction by relying on another teacher (when it comes to work) to “take care” of the problem because I don't want the child reacting to me which ties up to me not wanting to accept responsibility for my reactions and child's reaction to me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself as a “good” person-someone who is NOT selfish-someone who will not hurt another/ someone who portrays that I have good intentions- and this is portrayed because I am in denial that when I am in a reaction/ allowing myself to exist in a reaction I can actually become spiteful towards another and those traits have shown towards my son/ children (and used to be with other adult people) when I wanted to prove that I am right and that I will have the last word or get it my way just to be right so that I can be the “good” person doing stuff for others out of the goodness of my heart without considering other's position in relation to situation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad as a reaction to someone finding my way of being “good” not to their pleasing- thus placing me in a situation where I have been selfish or in a way exposing my selfishness to which I become reactive because “how can I be selfish when I thought I had good intentions” which contradicts with my believe I have created about myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing NOT to realize that by not considering other's position in relation to the situation I am in fact being selfish because what I do is with the starting point of showing myself as "non selfish" person- more of a persona- while in actuality I suppress my selfishness by not acknowledging it and by NOT working through it/walking it out so that I can in fact be/live consideration.