Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Day 83- Correcting My Parent Behavior (Part 3)

Continuing from Day 82- Correcting My Parent Behavior (Part 2)

Going down the list I made for when my son throws a tantrum and my self forgiving my reaction on it.
-Using the toilet:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have built the idea that my child has to be potty trained ASAP otherwise I am not doing my job as a parent (which is actually a reaction to seeing children who are 4 and still wearing diapers and wondering what were these parents thinking?), thus I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to push my son to sit on the mini toilet when he was 9-12 months (and then later at the age of 2 as he was transitioning to the big toilet) without considering my approach towards him because I had the starting point of “I am going to show all those other parents that children can be potty trained at an early age and anything other than that would be unacceptable".

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to consider my son, his ability and understanding when he was 9-12 months and accepting that perhaps I created a reaction within him regarding using the toilet since I was pushing him to sit and use it when he did not want to and within that creating a bad experience for him in relation to the toilet.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to then pull back from this method/approach and then all of the sudden go full force on him at the age of 2 without considering that there has to be a transition time and still approaching potty training with the starting point of it is unacceptable if my child is not potty trained.

I forgive myself for NOT realizing that the reason he is presenting me with difficulty when using the toilet is because of my expectation as a starting point rather than considering my son and how he develops to approach the toilet and how I can assist him with it rather than push him to it.

I have been practicing a better method with him since my realization- which is to allow him to willingly go and figure out the reason as to why he will sometimes refuse. I have also been practicing the method of talking to him about it and guiding him towards the choice of sitting. Since he is starting to communicate with me better in using his words- he has told me that the toilet is cold. I would have never thought that this may be a reason for him to refuse to sit, which is ironic because I myself don't like a cold toilet seat but I am able to use my hands to sit on them and he is not. Since practicing this approach the tantrums about using the toilet have diminished. Now he just whines at first, and then agrees to sit.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get irritated because he does not ask me to use the toilet when he needs to but just goes in his diaper.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to simply guide him towards starting to ask, by talking to him and explaining to him the same every time he does end up going in his diaper.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself NOT to be patient and understand that this takes time as it is my son that needs to show the initiative towards asking and I need to be patient about it and support him/guide him to learning.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare children in relation to being potty trained and to judge parents on reasons as to why their children are still not potty trained at a age where they "should" be.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing to understand that children develop at t different pace and that there are more factors as to why a child who is capable of using the toilet would refuse to do so and chose to stay in diapers.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place a judgement on a specific age where a child should be potty trained rather than seeing things from a practical perspective as to is the child physically able to use the toilet and does the child understand the toilet and what are some issues that may cause a child to refuse to use the toiler, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my self to impose an age limit on my son as to when he should be potty trained.

I forgive myself for NOT realizing that there are actual stages to potty training and that it will not happen over night and that there are many components to how the child sees/approaches the toilet and it is not one dimensional. Thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing an idea of what it means to be potty trained by skipping the process it takes to be completely potty trained (out of diapers and going to the toilet by one self when required).

Taking a shower:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and experience for my son where he is scared of the shower. I did this without consideration by rinsing him off just to clean him instead of nurturing him with the water- and I realize my method was not gentle which created a bad experience for him and he is now scared of the word shower and the idea of going under water.
To support this I stopped the showers and we do wash ups under the sink. Also, my husband has been of help as he has shown to me the patience of how I should have approached the shower with my son by nurturing him with the water and not “throwing” him in the shower just to wash him off quickly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rush my son in the shower because I felt that I needed time for myself and did not consider what I was creating at the time and how I was not considering my son but thinking about my self which was a reaction towards my husband, actually, because I felt that it was unfair that I took the role of the primary care giver to my son and that left me with “no time to myself” (to which since then I have self forgiven and understood with the help of Sunette).

Jacket and Hat, Shoes and Clothes:

I forgive myself for not realizing that as my son grows up he will want to take the initiative towards putting on and taking off his clothes and that by me trying to put them on him especially as I reacted towards his tantrum about I, I was preventing him from developing this independence of self care. I am now aware that he is wanting to be able to choose his clothing, and put on the jacket, shoes, clothes by himself (even if he is not able to). I have learned and accepted to be patient and wait until he asks me for help before I do it for him.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rush him and not give him the opportunity because again I was thinking about myself and my time, that we are in a hurry, that he needs to put on the clothes that I pick for him.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting, realizing, seeing that he is becoming of age where he starts to develop the will/ability to do things himself and that I should step back and allow for him to have guided choices, thus he can pick what he wants to where but it has to be practical and according to the weather.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see/realize that my son sees me (and everyone around him) and he is in a constant state of learning and that he will do what I do- if I get to pick my own clothes, put my jacket and shoes than he will want to do the same as part of his learning process.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to consider that his tantrum was his way of telling me because he could not use his words. Since I've backed up and he's started to use his words the tantrums have diminished and only once and awhile for other reasons does he refuse to dress.

I have also been practicing applying a stable voice in talking him through a tantrum when he does have one.

Not getting something that he is determined to get:

Within this I realize it is tied to his development of making choices and I realize that to guide him I need to give him a choice he can pick from, however sometimes a choice is not available and within those times I realize he is throwing a tantrum because he is not understanding why I am taking the choice away from him (this is yet to be developed for him).

I realize that in moments as such I need to remain stable and stick to what I have said to him even if he does not like it.


I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see/realize the child development and as to why he would act out regarding things that he is determine to have but cannot have at this moment and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for approach him with my reaction which is triggered based on my fears and expectations of my son to behave “good” and if he is not then I am not in control of him and thus I am a “bad” parent (basically everything that I just wrote about previously). 

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