Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Day 89- The Second Child Decision (Into) Part 1

I'm starting a new series on walking the point of a conflict within me regarding having another child or not. I will be addressing/walking several "pros/cons" sub-points and the emotional attachment that comes with each point- as I stabilize this point within me to make sure I have a practical standing/starting point.
I actually walked this in summer 2014 but it only now that I am ready to post it in my blog. Also as I read some of what I wrote- I still had reactions coming up within me. Thus it was nice to revisit my initial writing and this time stabilize it.

Before my son was conceived my starting point to have a baby was to bring another being into life and teach, show, learn from, care- give an opportunity for the being to become a self realized, self responsible human being that cares about Life/Earth.

With the thoughts of a second baby I got mixed up in the mind, feeling emotions to justify a reason to why I should or should not have a second child. 

Here is a list of the sub-points I will be addressing as I move through my blogging:

1.Experiencing the pain, uncomfortability of the physical process of pregnancy, labor, birth. 
2. Financing another baby.
3. I'm getting old.
4. Child Time vs Personal Time
5. Fatherly duties of my husband.
6. Making my family happy.

If something else pops up on my list I will add accordingly. 


Monday, December 29, 2014

Day 88- The Dark Mirror (Dream Interpretation)

Dream:

I was in a room with a dark mirror. It was me yelling at what looked like a mirror but it was not because I could not see my reflection in it and my words were directed towards something or someone else saying YOU NEED TO MAKE A CHOICE, ONLY YOU CAN DECIDE! 

Dream Interpretation:

I know I was talking to myself but it was interesting that I did not see my reflection it was just a very dark glass like a tinted window.

What I can make of this dream is that I tend to be entertaining my mind a lot with Facebook and Youtube (a lot more lately). Like I would just sit and scroll down Facebook notifications and watch whatever pops up on my recommended list on youtube just so that I have something to do. So that is without a specific purpose or self directive principle- it is purely to entertain me- looking for the next “funny” thing that will make me laugh. And on many occasions I will deliberately chose this “activity” to other physical/practical activities in my daily life. Like we can be at the restaurant and I will get bored and pick up my phone to find something funny- almost a way of looking for something to make conversation because I have nothing else to share at that moment. But in the back of my head I say (as common sense/self) “this is not what I should be doing- get to doing the practical things..” But I will ignore this “voice”.

So regarding the dream I think this is me screaming from the "back of my head voice”. It is then represented with a tinted window where I cannot see my reflection= meaning I am not reflecting on myself by ignoring the “voice” of my common sense/self.

Which comes at an interesting timing as the next lesson in DIP has to do with communication- I do think that a lot of my starting point to do this (aside from entertaining my mind) is that I have been having a hard time talking to people in a sharing manner (from a deeper perspective/reflective perspective). That is due to the limitation of me being able to express in conversation with the people I DO have around me (which is not a lot).
From another perspective I can see that doing work all the time and not having this time of expressing entertainment within my daily life (like going out for a cup of tea with a friend/family member for example)....I can feel my deadness (if that is a word)- meaning I am not living- and then my mind searching for virtual/fake entertainment to fulfill this “deadness/emptiness).

So within that dream-”You need to make a choice, only you can decide”= I am telling myself that I can change that from within me so to speak by focusing on process and investigating practical ways to open up the point of sharing communication within me again- because I can tell that I have shut down some time ago, when I was judged and I took it personal (which is my mistake). And I have been having a hard time standing up from this.

I also see that I need to investigate the word/expression of "entertainment" from a different perspective based on what I have to work with within my physical reality.

Sunday, December 28, 2014

Day 87- My Child vs Others (Comparison Self Corrective Application) Part 3


When and if I go into a reaction with my son, I catch myself, I breathe, I look into why I am reacting in this moment within a self reflection because I am aware that the reason for my reaction lays within me and not within my son, I then stop and focus on my son with the starting point of what kind of assistance he needs at the specific moment.

When and if I go into a moment of comparison of my son to other children, I catch myself, I breathe, I stop, I look into what I am comparing, why I am comparing it and where may it have originated within me to become a point of comparison.

I commit myself to come back and reread what I wrote within my SF points in case of self assistance and a reminder what I have walked if I catch myself not being able to stop a reaction or a point of comparison.



Saturday, December 20, 2014

Day 86- My Child vs Others (Comparison Self-Forgiveness)- Part 2


On one of the latest DIP Google Hangout on “
Transforming Family Dynamics: ParentingSupportopened up some points within me that essentially summarize the starting point for the comparison point.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare my son to other children based on my ideas and pictures of what my child should be like and behave like in comparison to other children- including myself as a child.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to NOT realize/admit that I HAVE created/projected certain expectations for my son and those expectations have nowhere else to emerge from but from the starting point of comparison (whether to other children or even to my own childhood). Thus, in deed I have created a picture of a future child (subconsciously) even before my son was born based on my experiences with my parents, my experience with other children within my childhood-which has been laying dormant because I am not fully aware of this within me yet as my son is still young- but every once and awhile I do think of him growing up and how he will be and what I can do to shape him as a “good” person. Within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project limitations for him because if I am trying to shape him a certain way by default I would be limiting him developing himself as he is growing up which can only cause problems within the relationship between a parent and a child as the child will not be given the opportunity to explore all the options he/she could to decide for themselves who they are going to built themselves to be as a being within existence.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project in the future instead of focusing on the present moment and simply being here in support of my son's development and enjoy him in every stage of him growing up and realize that within being here in full support of him- I am in fact guiding him/teaching him but not making the choices for him- because he will have to learn how to make choices for himself and the best I can do as a parent is to teach him the ability to make practical choices (within guidance-depending on his age of course). Thus to be an effective guider I need to let go of the control (expectations for how/who I want my child to be) and let him explore himself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to plan the life of my son based on built up expectations I have for him even if they are very subtle, because it has not been a point I had considered before (prior to listening to the hangout).
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I am allowing my son to develop within self expression and establish himself as an individual life, when subconsciously I would go into a relationship of comparing my ideas/pictures of him and how it fits in comparison to my personal experience as a child as well as the experience with children as a teacher.
I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see/understand and realize that as a teacher I simply have an understanding of the opportunities I can offer to a child (because it is a process I have walked in my studies) to learn and that I can utilize this only within self honesty-that it is nothing special/that I should not make it something special- like a quality I possess because the moment I place myself as being special the starting point of myself as a teacher changes and it is no longer pure because now I allow myself to compare myself to other parents and essentially say that I am better than other parents because I have an advantage point (which can only exists as an ego point).

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing to see/understand/realize that the only way to provide what is best for my son is to be here with him in every moment of his development, that this is a process that requires movement moment by moment as whatever comes within our lives and in stability take everything step by step within practical solutions and development.
I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to realize that this is something my son is teaching me here and right now- that his growing is a process directly reflecting my personal process.