Friday, January 30, 2015

Day 92- Age and Time (Part 4)

3. I'm getting old.

I am already 32 years old. If I wait any longer based on physical changes my body is going through as I get older it puts me and another baby at risk as research shows more complicated pregnancies as well as baby development. Depending of the financial situation and the process of stabilizing the point and how long that may take- I may be 35 or older. At that point I am entering the danger zone to having babies thus it is uncertain how my physical body will handle another pregnancy. So practically, the time for a second one is pretty much now (within the next 2 years) or never. There is nothing more I need to address on this point.

4. Child Time vs Personal Time

I noticed that my time management since my son was born has been distorted as I need to invest time with my son and it's not just me anymore. There is another being to be taken care of and that is depended on me.
What happened is that I was not letting go and practically seeing how I need to adjust my time to include my son. I recall starting my Masters Degree before getting pregnant. And I had a priority shift in my time. Anything I was doing with Desteni (writing, blogging/vlogging started falling apart because I could not stand in stability). I used to “blame” it on school, then being pregnant and then on having to prioritize time for my son. It was always something outside of me. My husband had his role in this too, as I was in a place in my process where I had to understand and walk process independency in relation to my husband. The other point was me using comparison points to other people's processes in Desteni-thus I saw myself inferior and got discouraged and placed myself blaming the environment for “falling” in my process. As a result/consequence- irritation/ feeling stagnant is still building at certain moments.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my environment for failing to keep consistent and practical with my process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play out the reactions of irritations and self pity as a reflection in my environment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself NOT to see/realize/understand that what's happening in my environment is through allowance and acceptance of what's happening within me and vise versa (as above, so below-as within, so without).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT see/realize/understand how to move myself practically through changes in my physical environment and instead falling into a state of being stagnant, stuck, cant' breath, move the consequences of not moving is that everything piles on top of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare my process to other's process and in result seeing myself as inferior, as I am not doing enough, and within that fulfilling this into reality and blaming reality/environment as the cause for my inferiority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT see/realize /understand that in the process of me feeling irritated, inferior, stagnant- the behavior in terms projects and affects my son and my husband and everyone around me. Thus I am not effective to stand as an example of self honesty, integrity, trust, respect, equality because I am not living by principle and what I am showing to myself and others is how to validate reactions.

I commit myself to when I experience myself stagnant, overwhelmed to accept it as a responsibility to not blame my environment but to see how to find a practical solution. What this implies is that I stop comparing my process to others and see how I can be effective in managing my time based on my physical reality. Thus I commit myself to see/write organize a way to where I can apply myself based on my daily responsibilities to myself, my son and my husband and those around me.
I commit myself to stop wasting my time imagining in what I should do and actually do it in fact.

I also see/realize and understand that I create my external environment to a certain degree within what is in my immediate “power”/self-directive principle. Thus I commit myself to work towards creating an environment that will be supportive to my internal process to match my external process.

So time management as how I have been accepting and allowing it to exists within me is not a valid reason for NOT having a second child. Rather I require to assess my adjustment to time management with my son now and from there see if it will be practical to have a second child and if the choice for a second child is made for that time management to be adjusted accordingly.

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