7. Fatherly duties.
Initially I had lots of reactions and blame towards my husband when it came to my son, because he had assigned himself as a secondary caregiver which meant that I was the first caregiver of my son. Thus, the idea of having a second child and being the first caregiver for two was creating a lot of irritation within me and I made the decision that I will not have a second child as that would put more pressure on me- and the I played the pattern of “it's just not fair” through backchats and resentment towards my husband as if he was incapable of seeing when he should step in with my son. Thus, I saw our responsibility towards my son as not equal.
In a chat with Sunette one time I discussed the feeling of unfairness regarding the unequal responsibility of parenthood. She said that I've accepted the role based on the circumstances of my process and my husband's process and instead of looking at this as unfair I should look at it as being directive, thus when I see that I do need help to simply ask for it and “assign” the person with my son. What was even more important is my approach towards my husband and my son had to change. It is essential that my son be taken care of properly and be provided with the security and love as a growing human being that is equal to me. And if I've accepted this responsibility as a primary caregiver than I cannot be accepting reactions to direct me because that is what I'll be showing/mentoring to my son.
As far as my approach towards my husband it is also essential that I don't let reactions lead/direct me but rather be gentle and when needing help to just ask. As this will open up the way for him to realize and direct himself to becoming more involved with my son on the equal level that I have directed myself to accept responsibility to be here for my son in all levels as he is developing. Thus, this is not something to be forced on my husband but rather self realized in his process as he is observing how I express with my son.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play a victim and say “Oh, it's just not fair” instead of seeing/realizing that I initially accepted the primary responsibility when my son was born- as I stayed home with him and my husband was working thus in reality leaving me as the primary caretaker. And once I began work, again based on my circumstances within my occupation I still had the primary availability to be more with my son than my husband did.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the common sense/practicality within the situation but rather internally complaining about how unfair it is that I am doing more with my son than my husband it.
I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see/understand/realize that by complaining and reacting I'm only hurting myself and sequentially my son because if I continued reacting to my husband I'd be giving up my responsibility to my son- thus he will not be getting the proper care/raising he requires as a consequence to my reactions.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT take into consideration my husband's personal process and instead of assisting him with a considerate approach I would push him through my reactions which meant I was stopping him from realizing for himself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my perception of unfairness as a reason to not have a second child.
I commit myself to when I experience a moment of “unfairness” to stop, take a moment to breathe and diffuse the energy as I remind myself that I reaction is not what is best for me, my son or my husband, take a break and consider my physical environment as a starting point, looking at do I really need help right now and if I do to direct myself to inform my husband to step in.
Within this I commit myself that accepting primary responsibility does not have to be perceived as something negative, but it can rather become a point of enjoyment as I share moments of playing, teaching, learning with my son. And within those moments I can stand as an example for my husband to step up and equally enjoy such moments with my son.