The following is part of my weekly chats from DIP with my buddy. It refers to a dream I had and the process of looking/interpreting at the dream from a Desteni perspective.
Background- I often have dreams where I am about to die. However I am able to stop my death by rewinding the scene and changing the outcome. But my outcome is always to hide or be scared, escape that/who is trying to kill me. So in my chat with my buddy (whose name will remain as "buddy" as requested) we opened up the point of my "death" in my dream as something I am not letting go of.
Enjoy the chat.
Buddy: Ok what was the dream about?
Antoaneta: I was walking in Bulgaria (the path of when I used to walk to school and it was dark, I don't know what it looks like right now- but back then it was a huge open field that had a road through it that reached stairs with these tubes (very big and long). The tubes were for the hot water or heat that was being delivered to peoples apartments- I think, but these tubes also divided two neighborhoods. People knew that once they crossed over the tubes they were in the other neighborhood. I have a lot of memories walking to and from school day and night with friends or by myself. So, in my dream it was dark I was walking on the path and was nearing the tubes with the stairs that go over them. I reached on the stairs and on the opposite side it was even darker, like no lights anywhere so I got scared and I did not want to cross over so I headed back and it is a long walk (or at least it seemed like one when I was little). On my way back right before I decided I was going to go I was this car driving (mind you there was no road for cars on that path) so I found it strange, and I notice that once the car passed me it stopped and backed up. A guy got out and started to approach me. I could not make his face because it was dark, but he had long hair and the vibe of being into no good....lol
Antoaneta: He wanted to kill me, so next thing he is dragging me across the field in the dark and in my dream I'm like- NO! Im not going to die, so I reversed the scene where he was approaching me. Well I rewinded back to that scene and I was back at the stairs and I saw the car from afar- but it was like he already knew I was there so as usual in dreams like this I start to hide. I ran a couple of scenarios. One hide in the grass (since it was tall) and one hide where the tubes were. I tired both in the actual dream- but did not like the idea. So the guy never got me, but I never found the solution either because at that point I woke up....lol
Buddy: Ok so what is the point that stands out for you the most of this dream?
Antoaneta: The hiding part- that I tend to hide- even though I am able to reverse the point of me "dying". I don't stand up forward but I retreat, I don't find a solution.
Buddy: Exactly, I agree on that observation, plus you said you always hide in these situations in dreams.
Antoaneta: But in this dream was the first time I actually looked at a couple of ways to approach a solution but it was still in hiding. Second, what is trying to "kill me", what of myself is after me?
Buddy: Yes, and that's what I would see is a relevant point to look at, actually it is basics 'fear of death' as you are still not letting go.
Antoaneta: That was one dark looking mind.... lol
Buddy: When I've dreamed people shooting me for example, in that moment it is an ok this is it last breath here we go, end, making peace with it. At least that leaves me with the 'well it's ok I die, and that's that'.
Antoaneta: Hum, Ive never looked at this way- to let go and “die”. Like I'm holding onto something.
Buddy: Yeah, it's still a holding on to something, which leads to fears which prompts you to hide. Yes, eeexactly!
Antoaneta: Hummmmm....:). The one time I did “die”- I woke up in sweats. I've told you before. It felt real.
Buddy: Yeah I know it is quite shocking to go through those dreams.
Antoaneta: I don't know why I chose to “die” in that one instance, but every other time I have stopped myself from dying, letting go.
Buddy: Yeah I would try that for a change. And like you said went into fear and hiding.
Buddy: See how from the point you see the guy: there is 'fear' of him having bad intentions. So in that moment there is still giving into a Fear.
Buddy: What fear is it in fact? That is something that you can look at.
Antoaneta: Isn't that the big question!...lol. Surviving?
Buddy: It is! So this is something that you can then write about self forgiveness on, you already got the layout here of the dream.
Antoaneta: Making it? I don't know-it must be subconscious.
Buddy: Well as you know fear of death in itself is the 'ultimate fear.'
Antoaneta: lol true!
Buddy: So 'how you act' in the face of death is what I suggest working on.
Antoaneta: Although maybe fear of a tortured death, not instant.
Buddy: Either/or, it's death.
Antoaneta: Perhaps the process of death itself.
Buddy: Yes, so holding on to something, which can be 'you' as Antoaneta anyways.
Antoaneta: Like a piece of who I think Antoaneta is? Remember Bernard when he said he had “died”? As Bernard, I mean.
Buddy: It is a good exercise to see what am I still holding on as these are our 'locking points' which doesn't mean you have to 'cut ties' no, simply stand clear as to who you really are and what you live now as Antoaneta, to not be eternally defined by it, which is in the end walking process in that self-honesty point. Yeah exactly! So, if you could in any way in that moment you absolutely feared dying, if there was anything that you saw in that split moment you would 'lose' or 'fear not experiencing' any longer- that would be a key to finding out what you are holding on to.
Antoaneta: I'll have to look into it. The question is what I fear the most? To face it and let it go.
Buddy: Yep, that would assist you. Or simply place yourself in that 'dream moment' and see if anything comes up - it may, it may not. Yes
Antoaneta: Easier said than done of course.
Buddy: Which can be one thing/person or 'your life' in its entirety. It can be let go through you identifying why you have held on to it and what the 'bond' is really about here is where the realization about how we create 'relationships' as human beings has been mostly energy-based, which is in fact separation. There is nothing to actually fear if one realizes we are in fact one-and-equal.
Buddy: A relationship as energy-tie is of the mind, of consciousness, of ego, which is what one can then in fact let go of.
Buddy: Ok cool so this will be a cool exercise I suggest looking at, even more so the most repetitive pattern on 'hiding', which is yes, out of fear, and that's where you ask yourself ok but then what do I fear losing if I die?
Antoaneta Grodskiy: I see, perhaps it would be control of myself, because I always saw that me being able to stop my death was something "good" because I had control of it, until this moment today when you brought up the opposite- that I should allow myself to “die” and not have that control of myself- the policing of myself of good and bad.
Buddy: Yeah, it's a cool point to test out by simply realizing ok if hiding or fearing dying isn't the solution, what would happen if I go the other way now?
Antoaneta: Because then I would not go into hiding- I would approach my fear and face it in the dream.
Buddy: Aha, that's also interesting there! How it even begun with a judgment toward the guy's appearance and intentions so you form the idea that 'this guy is evil'. Yep facing the fear in this case is not wanting to prevent your death.
Antoaneta: And then the illusion of control. If I had the real control to stop my death, why don't I have the control to face the fear?
Buddy: Yep, that's a cool way to look at it which means you have valued such control as 'your definition' as well. But, are we really in control of our 'death' nope lol...and that's realistic too.
Buddy: So, you got cool words here then, the morality aspect and control which in the end as you see 'controlling' is a desire that comes once you create a 'fear' toward something you cannot control lol.
Antoaneta: lol ya!
Buddy: So in such case the death point is the most obvious example - so fear of letting go in itself is another one which is the point that is held behind 'wanting to have control'.
I also recommend the latest reptilians interview, you came to mind when Anu explains about women in process and their relationship with non-destonians etc. and points we've talked about here as well -- if you haven't heard it.
Antoaneta: “Dying and rebirthing”....ahah of course to rebirth one has to “die” (not necessarily in the literal sense). I have not. What number is this?
Buddy: Yeah, it is so in terms of this process to let go of the old and in this case the entire setting of your early time in Bulgaria might be the context to show you the most ingrained memories that 'shaped you'. Um it's the latest let me get the link-
Antoaneta: Yea I just saw it.
Buddy: Yep, it's a very cool one.
Antoaneta Grodskiy: Nice!
Buddy: OK so, to wrap up this point, how about you also write out this point of the dream first.
Antoaneta: Ok. Can you explain more about what you mean by the setting
Buddy: Ah scenario. Meaning the foundation of 'you' as 'Antoaneta' was shaped there so we tend to go to most 'familiar places' to signify that relationship to 'who we are/where we come from'.
Antoaneta: Like why I found this setting to be significant? Because that is a time in my life where I was shaping who I was to be/becoming?
Buddy: You can look at your experience in the memory/setting/scenario. Yes!
Antoaneta: It was during that time that I was very timid.
Buddy: Yeah I mean I don't suggest looking into all of it but more so what you experienced in the dream. Okie dokey?