See Day 106- Target Language Test for reference to this blog.
I found that right after the test the self judgements/emotions that came up within me were: anger/blame, regret, shame
-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be filled with regret when it came to thinking of the predictable outcome of the test based on my performance. I realize that the reason for feeling regret and judging myself was because I placed my effort into the test so the thought of failing because of 2 minutes made me experience regret that I did not perform satisfactory on those two minutes. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with regret instead of seeing why I was not able to perform to a self satisfactory level on those 2 minutes. I let go of the regret.
-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be filed with anger/blame when it came to thinking that I was treated unfair, that the test was unfair because I was not able to respond to my best ability for the 2 minutes oral test. I realize that I went into blaming the system instead of looking at myself in relation to the test and investigate my experience/reaction when it came to those 2 minutes. I realize that even though the system is not created to be to it's best support- it is up to me to stand and direct myself to my best support in relation to the system. I let go of the anger/blame.
-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be filled with shame when it came to thinking that “How can I fail the Bulgarian test when I am a native speaker!”, because I took this as impossible (especially on the oral test). I had doubts about the written portion because I have no reason to write in Bulgarian-thus I don't. So if anything, I was expecting this to be the hard part and that the oral will be easy for me since I do talk in Bulgarian. I forgive myself for this expectation as it was preconceived based on my projections. I actually can see that this test showed me something about myself- that I have words in Bulgarian that I am not “familiar” or will not come to me with ease because I have either not used them in a long time or I have not ever heard them being used. I realize that my spoken Bulgarian in a more fluent/professional level may not be as good as I thought it to be and it does require more practice so that I integrate more vocabulary within myself. I let go of the shame.
In looking at the word responsiveness I can see the roots of responsibility of taking an action/ an ability. I realize that responsiveness is an ability that is a process practice. I also see that I have a pattern within me to retreat in moments where immediate responsiveness is required (where I freeze/blank out). I am now seeing that I am actually not very effective at being responsive which means that I act upon reaction. This is more prevalent when my response is timed because I experience the pressure of my mind going in many directions because I am lacking practice in self direction in such moments. To assist myself within this I need to practice how to be responsive- and that is bringing myself back to breath so that I can with self honestly respond in the moment based on the circumstances. This may be a hard one that will take a lot of practice. Also being able to see the little moments of how I respond because those are not always noticeable.
Investigating Expectation in relation to the test:
I often say that I don't expect things however subconsciously I can see that I often do actually create expectations because that brings me “security” or a “piece of mind”. I can see it being linked to responsiveness, or rather playing the shield of responsiveness. “If I know what to expect I will know how to respond.” I am not saying that it is not helpful to have an idea of what to expect- however I realize that it is not to hold on to the expectation since it is in fact a variable and it can change. And when it changes I am not able to respond because I am not prepared for the change. Thus I experience the moment of inner confusion/freeze/blankness. To assist myself within this I simply need to be willing to let go of the expectations.
Nervousness is related to the other two because it is actually the result/consequences of failing expectations and not know how to respond to the given situation (which indicates that I am not prepared). I am going to use this as an indication since I am aware with this feeling in my body on a physical level. Thus I think the key word here is to transform the word expectation to the word preparation. When I am prepared I am confident and I trust myself.