Thursday, January 28, 2016

Day 138- Hidden Personalities-Introduction

So this will be a series of walking my hidden personality construct (suppression/pleasing)
The point became very evident when I listened to the Hidden Personality Quantum Physical by EQAFE. The three series were sort of a personal reading from the portal because she used my picture, thus the information directly reflects on me and of course it can be relatable to anyone who listens to the interview.

This began as a Destonian fun project where everyone who wanted to participate sent in pictures of their different faces/expressions. The very first one was the straight face. The project took off and a point opened up where the portal would ask if she can use our pictures in interviews that were going to be called Quantum Physical. After giving my agreement for my picture to be used I waited and then recently I received the interviews as a gift from the EQAFE store.

At first I was not aware that this particular series of interviews used my picture as when I listened I did not get a chance to view the picture, however as I was listening I could not help but wonder if it was my picture. When I got the chance to I saw that it in fact was regarding my picture and "my" reading of my straight face.

The interview addresses a major personality design that I have had an awareness towards, however I had not payed attention to see how important it is to how I have been living my life and how it has been impacting many of my decisions. In a nut shell it talked about how I suppress and seek to please others to avoid conflict or facing others. As soon as I heard this my awareness was brought to this point of suppression/pleasing and I started to recall events where I have done this with people. How even very slightly I would have my attention on thinking what others are/could be saying about me- this constant worry of what others would think or perceive about me. Thus by acting that nothing is wrong or that I have nothing to say/ speak up I suppress and simply go along with the other person's actions, thoughts, believes even if I internally disagree. Thus never speaking up/standing.

At first I reacted to the interview. A huge energy of embarrassment came over me because I felt I was directly being called on this point and of course that seemed to bother me because it was someone saying something about me which brings me to the center of attention/discussion= self judgement. The other feeling I experienced was sadness that I have allowed this to lead my life and it was a bummer to my process I have walked so far. So those emotions were mixed up while the first time I listened to the interview.

I then realized that my mind had taken this on a very personal level and I breathed and went back to hear it again- this time looking at the image of my straight face seeing what about my face showed this construct (as it was described in the interview) and without the emotions- now it was a point of investigation and seeing how I can correct this.

In the interview it was said that I had developed this point at a young age, and continued to live it/exists as it throughout my life. I then looked at how I experience myself during conflicts, what physically happens to my body during conflicts with others, the tone of voice of others, how I am being approached (attacked) and how the suppression point became a cope mechanism to avoid this experience from happening.

The problem with suppression is that it never really goes away- it gets stored within the body and it accumulates- to the point of release where I would cry or feel victimized as no one "heard my voice", or I would be angry at others- blame others for my experience, rebel internally towards a person's words by doing the opposite but in silence (otherwise it would be a conflict). The physical impact of my body would be shivers or what I used to call "intuition" that something bad is about to happen. However now I am aware that it was simply the energy building up to a point of releasing through a mini panic attack.

To be continued.....

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