Thursday, January 28, 2016

Day 139- Hidden Personalities- The 12 Year Old Me and Self Responsibility

This is a continuation from Day 138-Hidden Personalities- Introduction.

As I mentioned in my previous blog I am walking the point of suppression/pleasing construct and how living with this construct has impacted my life. This was revealed to me through the Quantum Physical interviews on EQAFE, particularly the hidden personality series.
Now it is time to walk through and out of it towards self empowerment .

I will begin with a memory that recently emerged while I was talking to my DIP course buddy. The memory:
I was a bout 12 years old and I was jumping on my bed in Bulgaria (I don't think I was allowed to do it but no one was home). A sudden fear came over me as the thought of "What am I going to do when I grow up and my mom is not there for me?" I for some reason had this idea that when I am 14 or 16 I am going to be on my own (nothing logical in and that I will not have the same care as a child.
Perhaps this was my first real realization that I am growing up and that I will have more responsibilities and that I will have to make decisions on my own and this thought was a scary one.
As this memory came up the point of self responsibility opened up (while speaking with my buddy).

I recall as a child being extremely shy, very quiet, and I do have a memory of the experience of bottling/suppressing thing up.

I realized that I have been relying on my mom and now my husband for many things where I simply did not want to be responsible for and gave up this point of responsibility on them (they will take care of it/me). Those are the two people that I see have a great impact as they are playing the role of the "protector" and me the "victim-the one that needs help". All of this of course on a subconscious level, with a slight awareness. As the interview stated- the my being/self awareness is always on the back ground being aware but never stepping forward.

I realize that by giving my point of responsibility to my mom and my husband is something that I have allowed to continue because it felt like a comfort zone (protected). I will continue next blog on touching this point- as this construct is multidimensional and all angels must be covered in order to walk thought it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear growing up, becoming independent, responsible, making decisions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up my responsibility and put in the hands of my mom and my husband.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT come out of my "comfort zone" and to continue playing the "victim" that needs protection instead of seeing how I can come up with a solution, investigate, talk, discuss solutions with others and take the initiative/the responsibility in my hands.

I forgive myself for not realizing/seeing early on that by being quiet, shy and not speaking up I gave my choice and responsibility to my mom to decide and fix any mistakes I may have done without seeing that by choosing this way I have chosen to not be able to respond in situations with self responsibility in my adulthood.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress and keep the emotions/experiences within myself to the point where I would internally react in a backchat and blame towards my mom/my husband/other people- that it is somehow other's fault that I am feeling angry, sad, mad, disappointed, instead of investigating my reactions, bringing it back to myself, taking responsibility, speaking up, discussing solutions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing for my physical body to take a hit and feed off this mind energy construct every time I felt over whelmed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT listen to my being/self awareness and give myself the attention of realizing this mind energy construct as I have allowed it to be ME, to move me, live me, become me, cloud me, suppress me, speak for me, decide for me.

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