Friday, September 30, 2016

Day 171- Creating Agreements With my Son

Something I have recently discovered when interacting with my 4 year old son is how to better our relationship by how we interact. I could not previously define it but i am able to see it now.
I realized I have been using a forceful "technic" with him for the beginning of his years by trying to show that I am in control and he must do what I say when I say and if he does not then I saw it as he is not listening to me and yes I used "time outs" to which he did not respond good to.  This way of interacting with him created a resistance to his stubborn personality that instead of showing him why he had to do something- I created a point within him where he will resist my directions even in times where what I wanted him to do would make perfect sense.
In his day care I got reports of him not playing nice with others, becoming a little physical towards others and having a difficult time listening to the teachers when he really did not want to do something. So I had to humble myself from trying to be in control of him. I had to see how to work with his personality design (which is copying the mind systems of myself and his father). I had to realize that his behavior was the mirror of my his father and mine and really humble my ego of "Im the adult, I know better and you need to listen to me" attitude.

So what I began to change was first let go of my attitude I had created towards my son when he does not listen to me. Then I realized that when talking with other adults- we typically make agreements on how to go about things (yes there may be disagreements but things get worked out to a point where I and the other person can be willing and agree on the terms of things). I realized that when he was giving a hard time about something- it was because he was not agreeing (for whatever reason) on what he was asked to do. Thus me coming as a form of control of TELLING him what to do when he was not a point of agreeing to do it. And who likes to be told what to do just because they have to do something.

So I decided to try working on agreements. For example, I will express what I would like my son to do and why, and then he will express what he wants (even though his why sometimes makes no sense). I will chose to listen to what or how he wants to do it. Then I will explain why the choice he is making may be or may not be a good idea/way and suggest maybe we should try this way. Then he will reach a point of agreement on doing it along with me and there is no tantrums or whining majority of the time.  And when there is I need to look at to why he is experiencing himself like this at this particular moment. A lot of the times it is about something that occurred previously he was not happy about and now he is just reacting.
Another aspect I had to change about me is having to look the world from his perspective as a child in an adult world.  Where most of the time he is told what to do by adults and he has little room to express his voice. And with someone with a stubborn personality that becomes problematic.  So for example, before I say no you can't do something, I check myself with the question: "Why NOT?" Is it really that serious that he can't explore that moment of expressing his voice and choice?
We were at the grocery store the other day- and he wanted the yellow cart (which is made for children). The purple one was closer and to me it made sense to take the purple as it would be faster. But he wanted the yellow one which was blocked by many other carts. At first, I wanted to tell him no and lets take the purple, but he was so determined to take the yellow that I said "Why NOT?" We were not in a hurry. So instead I took out my camera and recorded him as he began to figure out how to take the yellow cart out by pushing all the other carts around. It was like playing TETRIS in reverse....LoL And it became an enjoyable educational moment. At that moment I agreed for him to take the yellow cart BUT HE had to do it without my help (I did use some directions because other people were coming on the way).

So this leads us to looking at what is parenting really about. I as the parent am a person of guidance. So yes I am present to provide guidance to provide moments for learning, for understanding, because my goal is not to tell him what to do, but to teach/guide him how to make effective choices by expressing himself. That way he is not being spoiled, but he is also not being drilled. That is what it means to GUIDE. And this takes practice and building an understanding within oneself about the relationship between adults and children and how to make this process enjoyable and effective.

I would like to provide for my child the opportunity to be smart which means that he is able to make choices that are smart on his own by understanding why those are smart choices....and not fearing his parents which then results in teens hiding what they are doing and rebelling or being suppressed and self conscious. A good relationship is built on agreements, understandings and willingness to work together no matter what.

Day 170- Living "Gratitude/Grateful"

I have been watching one of my friend's on Facebook gratitude videos and am inspired to do so myself.
I have been observing how "life" in the current human created dysfunctional system can become pretty depressing and suppressing in different degrees for people in general.  So as my starting point, I want to focus on appreciating and being grateful for the small things in my life that add up to the whole picture while living in a depressing/suppressing system. It is to refocus all the energy/time used to self sabotage me in the current system by feeling sorry and depressed and how "sad"/"bad" "life" can be- INTO seeing what is here that I have from the perspective of LIFE in the physical and to be aware of it and be grateful for the opportunity/potentials of it.
I am not saying to ignore or suppress the created reality of depression/suppression but rather focus on being aware of the LIFE force that is here that provides the life for us to exist in the physical and let this be a motivation to enjoy life (while living in the current system) rather than live like a zombie everyday slowly dying from depression and suppression.

Ways to sound out gratitude/grateful
-great attitude
-great full
-grade full
-grad (city in Bulgarian) full

REDEFINITION of Gratitude/Grateful: Allowing myself to notice the small things in my life that add up to the whole picture= my life, and within this allowance to be grateful for what is here in my life and show my appreciation towards it by being aware of it and enjoy it.

Saturday, September 17, 2016

Day 169- Self Appreciation

In a recent point that I have been walking, I realized that I barely appreciate myself for the things I do and accomplish. Most of the time I am in the moment of looking at self dishonesties and directing points and questioning if I directed the points "correctly", that I have not made it a point within myself to appreciate myself and the things that I have walked/directed successfully. I noticed that if I don't appreciate myself than it's like I am putting myself down for the things I messed up on. I saw this in reflection of how I felt others are not appreciating the things that I do....and my first reaction was to go into blame that I am not appreciated by others- but then bringing it back to self (in self reflection) I realized that I am the one who is not appreciating me.

So I commit myself to visibly show my self appreciation for the small or big things that I do accomplish in my process of life.