Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Day 176- It's a BOY!

"It's a BOY! Oh, not again!"
It is what I thought the moment I found out on the ultra sound. Since I was little I have always imagined having a girl and a boy. After all that is what my mother had. Also, I was first born, so part of that image was my first born to be a girl as well. But that was not the case. When I found out my first one was a boy, I felt a little disappointed and then horrible for even feeling disappointed. But I accepted it within me of course. When my son was born I did not think that I would be having a second child. I have written a blog about over coming the fears I was having around pregnancy and birth of the experience with my first one.  Then I looked at into having a second child and then the decision was finally taken and plans were in motion.
"I have a positive result on my pregnancy test!"
Now, as a second one I wanted a girl even more. Why? Was it just an idea, a picture image?
I went back and forth and came up with all kinds of different reasons as to why I would like a girl. Working with children as a teacher I have always had a connection with girls (and that might be a woman/mother thing, not sure...) and I thought "Ok, this time it for sure has to be a girl....I mean I have to get my wish, right?"
This connection being part of the female expression, interests females can share together, "mother/daughter" connection. And perhaps around this connection I developed certain ideas about what it would be like to have a girl. What it would be like for my son to have a sister.
My son kept telling me he wanted it to be a boy, so when I went for that ultra sound and we found out it was a boy- he jumped up and down, while I "cried" a little on the inside as my idea, picture, expectation of ever having a girl died out. I went home and cried a little, letting it go.

I don't know why I am ending up with two boys. It will be interesting to see how this relationship develops, especially the brother-brother relationship. And this si something I am still figuring out within me so there will be a second part to this blog....

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