Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Day 17-Deleting CharACTers: The EX Grudge

Also read: Day 14-Deleting CharACTers: The SuperHero/Healer Personality
                Day 16-Deleting CharACTers: The Eye Of The Beholder Construct

Here I am looking at the "love/hate" relationship construct that I had developed within myself while dating my  EX. This is a perfect example of the process where "love" turns into "hate" which is simply an energetic/emotional reaction that plays within the polarity game and has got nothing to do with LOVE/CARE for another being within the whole of existence, where we consider each other as life and within that consideration we show that we care/love each other equally as life.
I used to be a huge believer of the emotional love construct which I learned and thought it existed to be "true" love/"soul mate" kinda of deal.
What we often don't realize though is while participating in this love construct bubble (romance) we (the two "love" birds) charge each other with positive energy until the energy runs out and REALITY hits- and "I love you" becomes words that are spoken to secure each other's relationship- while in the back chat (secret mind) there are all kinds of thoughts going on about the other person. And in occasions (fights) these thoughts come out and hurt the other person-because instead of sitting down and discussing with stability the issues (that have been allowed to accumulate) people explode at each other in blame-which is simply the compounded accumulation of the person holding all the thoughts back in their mind in suppression. In worse occasions we have people who go mental/psychotic/fall into depression and the energetic positive love feeling turns into what people refer to "sick love"-stalkers, verbal/mental/physical abuse and all kinds of diversions that reflect the negative emotional charge of "love". All those are positive and negative emotions/feelings that people spoon feed each other- until serious consequences play out. And if the person is NOT aware that their experience is a simple emotion/feeling and do not know how to find their way back to REALITY, or even know what reality is-because often people think that reality are those emotions/feelings they are experiencing- those individuals will have a hard time realizing that the initial problem lays within themselves, and instead will blame other individuals, or "life", or "GOD", or the "Universe"...and so on.

A simple note to self-it is excruciating that no back chat is allowed to exists within ourselves and that all issues that come up are discussed in a manner that shows the whole picture and not just the single point of view. Within that same concept no secrets can be allowed- secrets from self and the other person. Within that concept one remains stable. Know that every time there is an emotional reaction one has been taken out of their stability and gone "crazy"-mind possessed!

The way my relationship with this particular person (the EX) was a highly emotional relationship. I did not understand it at the time, but he was an emotional ticking bomb and due to his high emotional level he was experiencing and did not know how to help himself- I became a "target".  The results were- verbal/physical abuse that was part of our fights over things that could not be discussed because he would not allow discussion to take place. I was a blame to all his emotional issues, I was the blame for his explosive reactions (pushing "red" buttons), I became a possession to him that he "LOVED", lied to, cheated on. A possession to him that he threatened his life for me if I would ever leave.
My reaction to all of this was that I was "suffocating",  As a reaction to him I lied and held secrets from him. I became spiteful of him and experienced this "hatred"-spitefulness deep within myself on a level where I could not stand him. I was experiencing "evil" emotions to where I wished him dead because if he would die I would be free of him.
Then I came upon Desteni where it was revealed to me that what I was experiencing was an emotion/feeling which is unreal from the perspective of the physical reality/life, and it only lived because I gave it life in my existence/world. I quickly looked over my whole relationship that we had both created, and after some self clearing and realizations I ended the relationship because I saw it was unacceptable what we had allowed ourselves to exists as together.

The reason I am bringing this post today is because from time to time an event/image will appear where I am reminded of this relationship and I go into a reaction of hate and blame at my EX-hence it implies that I am subconsciously holding a grudge against him. And it is time to release this grudge-as it exists within my mind as left over emotions towards this guy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enter a relationship with a personality design that has developed serious emotional issues within his belief of "love"/"soul mate"- not realizing that he simply at the time provided me/my mind with that which I was searching out and believed myself to exists as-"love", soul mate"- thus he was a simple reflection of myself and my idea of love and soul mates.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to INSTEAD of ending the relationship (my participation to feed his emotional personality design) with common sense perspective because of emotional/feeling abuse that took place, I kept participating and feeding my idea and his idea of love to the point where "love" turned to hate I held/suppressed within myself/secret mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT realize that fact that I allowed myself to exists as hate/spitefulness should have been a RED flag to myself that I had become unstable and joined the "crazies" mind possessed personality designs that he had allowed himself to exists as.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become hateful/spiteful of another being that is equal to me as life and only reflected his emotional personality design as the match reflection of my personality design within which we both fed each other and charged each other towards a "love-hate" relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT realize at the time that the anger/hatred/spitefulness I am/was experiencing is reflected at myself because I am the one that allowed myself to continue existing in the relationship-thus I forgive myself for accepting to be angry/hateful/spiteful towards myself when in reality if I had the common sense I have now back then-I would have ended the relationship the moment I saw what we were creating/developing to exists in/as with the fact that we were unable to discuss/see/correct ourselves and accept that we both fucked up, instead of placing/projecting blame onto each other to the point where it became UNacceptable for us to continue our relationship based on the abuse we caused to each other and one another- thus when seeing /realizing that we were not "working" as a team to create a stable relationship-to simply part and move on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself NOT to realize that his emotional personality design was something he acquired in his "life"/environment experiences from what he has learned/taught and shown by how his family treated each other- which made it OK for him as he accepted that personality design to be him based on his family experiences- and knew nothing else other than what he had grown up with-thus that is what he expressed towards me as a woman in the image and likeness of his "father/mother" relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish him dead as my only escape route from him, not realizing that it was a simple physical action of LEAVING that which does not support me physically and holds me back from moving forward- a simple ending participation in that which harms me physically.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold a grudge against him even after my realization that it was both our faults for creating our unstable relationship and giving it life.

I commit myself to not EVER hold back on any back chat/secret mind within my current relationship, to make sure that directly or indirectly issues are resolved with common sense and stability.

I commit myself to not EVER allowing myself/placing myself in a situation within my current relationship and my relationship with others where I can allow myself to develop hatred/spitefulness towards another being-within the realization that we are all equal as life and that at the moment everyone exists as personality designs that must be worked on individually.

I commit myself to create/move my current relationship and my relationship with others with stability, breath by breath, moment by moment where we move through obstacles together, where we do not go into reactions and create consequences- and if there was a consequence then it must be accepted as a fuck up and corrected accordingly.

I commit myself to seeing/realizing that a relationship/agreement is something that is built over time and NOT some magical "love" energy that hits you in the stomach (butterflies) and sweeps you of your feet. Thus to shape a relationship/agreement/bond with another being takes time, it is a process/movement of respect for one another as life, and understanding that at the moment we both are personality designs-and within this understanding to conceptualize that we can assist and support each other to delete these constructs so that we can remain in stability and actually enjoy our relationship/agreement.

I commit myself to showing others that LOVE is NOT an emotional/feeling charge, that LOVE IS an action that is shown through caring and considering ALL of life, and when and if the words "I love you" are spoken they are a direct movement of ourselves as the considerate/caring being and not separate from life itself and that they do not have to be spoken in order to show the respect/consideration/caring for all life.

I commit myself to move, breathe my current relationship and the relationship with others with practicality, common sense and stability.

When a reaction within me arises to where I attach the memory of my EX and experience hate, I commit myself to STOP, BREATHE, CLEAR it and not participate-until it no longer arises within me.

Monday, July 30, 2012

Day 16-Deleting CharACTers: The Eye Of The Beholder Construct

Also Read: Day 14-Deleting CharACTers: The SuperHero/Healer Personality

Here I am deconstructing the construct called "Eye Of The Beholder". It is a construct EVERYONE participates in probably since the beginning of humanity as it originates from the mind as the very separation of ourselves from the physical existence into the existence of the mind/point of view/opinion.

What does the saying "eye of the beholder" mean/imply/stand for? It is an idiom that is used to make a judgement in describing something/someone- the EYE being the starting point of view/construct/belief/"preference" built within an image/picture/design in their mind-the BEHOLDER being the person who has the EYE.
So it is someone's perception of another being/thing that they had defined within their mind to fit a certain description in correspondence to a certain emotion/feeling that the person has attached to an image/representation -so when the image is presented in front of the EYE- the person then places/makes a judgement regarding something/someone else using words such as: ugly, cute, disgusting, sexy, adorable, pretty, beautiful, gorgeous, bad, good...= having nothing to do with the actual physical reality.
The EYE of the BEHOLDER is shaped through "life" experiences/environment where the BEHOLDER  defines information through the mind consciousness system- thus creating an idea/perception/point of view within themselves-then this idea it is accepted within and given "life" which then shapes the person's point of view/opinion.

Equation: word+built mind definition+emotional/feeling attachment=the reaction one has towards something/someone in a the starting point of a judgement that originated within the person's mind through images/pictures/environment in separation from the physical existence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exists as the character "eye of the beholder" where I place my point of view/opinion over another based on images/pictures/beliefs/"preferences" that I have acquired through experiences in my "life" and have allowed/given "life" to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a "preference" towards something/someone with the starting point based on picture/image/idea representation/experience/self interest instead of moving myself based on that which supports my physical body as well as that which is best for all (to support the whole).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place judgement onto other beings/things with the internal reaction of something that I perceive to be good/bad/sexy/pretty/cute/beautiful/tasty/adorable instead of simply enjoying the physical existence of that someone/something, realizing that this someone/something is equal to me as life and by placing judgment onto another is only a reflection of me judging/reacting to myself and what I have allowed myself to exists as.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create myself as a feeling/emotion that I attach to something/someone within the physical and I use this feeling/emotion to define someone/something as an opinion/point of view-thus creating/giving value to things/people I perceive as sexy/cute/beautiful and ignoring things/people I perceive as ugly/disguising/bad.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to use common sense in directing myself with clarity-giving value to all things/beings equally with the starting point of life- and then placing priority to that which matters at the current moment from a physical perspective as I move myself within the physical existence-thus I am able to consider ALL within the whole-and interact/support with that/whom is here without any judgement. This giving me the opportunity to open up myself to things/people I would have previously shut down and not considered because of the construct/idea I created them to be within my mind.

I commit myself to seeing/realizing the difference between a judgment towards another being/thing and the simplicity of looking at the facts with the realization that this other person/thing exists as personality design just as I exists as a personality design. Thus I STOP, I BREATHE and conceptualize that the other being/thing exists as a personality design that we as humanity collectively create in our minds (standing in different points of views calling names out to others-NOT seeing the whole picture-rather a fragment/a piece)-thus I don't need to participate in mine or another's personality designs RATHER show the other being where their judgement is coming from just as I have realized where my judgments are coming from. By conceptualizing the whole picture I am able to exists without a reaction towards another for being a personality design-rather assist them in their realization that they allow and accept themselves to exists as a personality design. And if we remove the personality design we can emerge as different expressions that come from the same "point of view" where we can collectively see the WHOLE picture of ourselves, not just a piece/fragment. And within this realization we can see that we are life as a whole with different expressions of life-thus we stand equal and one as the whole picture-undivided.

Friday, July 20, 2012

Day 15-Good/Bad Omen

The point originated back when I was 16 and began dated my first boyfriend. He had a thing with numbers and somehow the last digits of his house phone number got stuck with me. It became more relevant when we broke up and I was going through a hard time getting over him. I defined the numbers as a good sign of him thinking of me-whenever I saw the combination of those specific numbers (mostly on licence plates). Later it wasn't just the numbers - it was specific colors that I defined as good omens depending on the color. This was also primarily due to my participation in witchcraft, where specific colors corresponded to specific emotions. I attached those emotions and would wear those colors on specific days that fit the "emotion/feeling" color. Like for example-on my birthdays I will always dress to a color that I thought would bring me what I wanted in my life. I would make a wish when blowing the candles hoping for my wish to come true. Later it wasn't just the numbers and colors- it was symbolism on the event itself that was built upon mini symbolism that occurred to shape the event.
For example, on Christmas I would place the decorations in specific order, I would make my secret wish list to "Santa" whom had become sort of a spirit that grants wishes (in my mind). I would sit at the stroke of midnight and read my wishes aloud. If it snowed it meant a perfect Christmas and "Santa" will hear my wishes and give me what I asked for...LoL
Now that I write it here from a total different perspective and understanding about the deception itself this "ritual" sounds crazy, selfish, and self damaging for giving myself the existence of "hope", that no matter what I did-someone ELSE will fix it. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create superstitious omens to reflect on events that occur in my immediate environment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the events that occur in my immediate environment based on "lucky" numbers/colors/the events themselves, symbolism/superstitious ideas that I had created in my mind to feel better about myself and to cope with the emotions/feelings I am/was experiencing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cope/suppress with my emotions/feelings Instead of having a clear look at what is going on within myself and work on deleting it, deprogramming it, making a self responsible decision to direct myself with clarity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rely/be driven by my emotions/feelings and to make blind decisions based on what I am/was experiencing within myself-not understanding where it came from thus accepting it and participating in my own little game that happened in the secret mind (where no one else knows about it).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give life to good/bad omens through my mind and reflecting/projecting it on other beings as if it was the truth in fact.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to take self responsibility to face my emotions/feelings-pick at them one by one to see why they are occurring, what did I do to allow them to become me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make the idea of  "Santa" (even as a grown adult knowing that Santa is not real) to be my secret GOD to whom I would follow a ritual and ask (pray) for things to make my personal life "happy"- IN reflection to the bigger picture- as in the way people pray to God in "God" homes/institutions requesting that their desires/wishes/emotions/feelings be granted-thus making me a hypocrite because I say "I don't believe in GOD" yet I created my own entity of GOD.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be selfish/ignorant in wanting wishes granted to me that had to do with fixing my emotions/feelings-not seeing the bigger picture that my emotions and feelings are not the REAL reality- in the physical as life. More over being selfish that I would even create the idea of having my pity wishes granted in relation to all the abuse that we as humanity collectively allow to exists.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see/realize that by asking for wishes I am playing the "Law of Attraction" game-and in this game in order to be a winner (one takes energy) from another-making the other to be the looser. Thus within that I have directly participated in allowing winners/losers which is direct participation in creating inequality/jealousy/competition in this world causing abuse.

I commit myself to deleting all symbolism/colors/numbers/superstitious/event symbolism participation.

I commit myself to living life in the real physical time without directing my life based on symbols/good-bad omens.

I commit myself to no longer participate in the "Law of Attraction" game and within that commitment to expose to others through my writing what the "Law of Attraction" is really about. 

I commit myself to facing my emotions/feelings with self responsibility-to forgiving myself and self correcting myself-in this accepting the responsibility for my actions while being in the possession of emotions/feelings-where I am not "thinking" straight/with clarity and no longer relying on a separate Godlike Entity to fix my inner battles/demons.

Monday, July 16, 2012

Day 14-Deleting CharACTers: The SuperHero/Healer Personality

One of the things that drove my interest towards witchcraft/paganism/spiritualism was having special powers.  I was about 16-17 in high school and I had just began watching "Charmed" (the show). In the show the witches were good and used their power to fight evil demons. I was intrigued with the power of words and spells. I began buying books about crystals, spells and how to practice witchcraft. It gave me a sense of security that I was able to apparently see through others because I possessed (or was training to possess) this power that made me more/stronger than others. I used it to define/validate myself as a somebody that can protect myself from danger because I had my "superpower" of spells. What intrigued me the most was the power of moving objects with my mind-I felt this was the ultimate superhero power-I can protect others, defend myself and secretly use it to have fun with other people (where they did not know what was going on).
Even though it was most intriguing to me, I always felt I was the "healer"-the power to heal pain-physical and emotional-which came of a disappointment (how am I supposed to protect myself with healing power?) and specialness (i can help others) at the same time. I used my spells for love-for personal gain-attraction. I felt that I had the power within myself it just had to be awakened.
One time I wanted my mom to just leave me alone (I felt she was bugging in m business too much) and I made this "potion" or random kitchen stuff, like spices and shit-I poured it in her drink. It was in my perception that she did leave me alone for a bit-so I thought it worked...LoL ?!?!
The witchcraft later on in my years transformed into my search in the spirituality realm-however it always involved being able to have some type of power, power over others. I was heavily into astral projection the chakras and apparently I knew how to heal someone using the chakra system. By that time I had already accepted myself to be "The healer". I was to become a healer/helping others. And I used this idea to my advantaged when having an attraction (energetical charge) towards someone. It was a trait that made me "different" than other women/girls in the eyes of men/guys.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to form and shape myself into the character of a superhero/healer in order to validate myself and  find a "personal" space that I can call my own-this personal space being powers to make me be/feel special/different, self worth, be someone in existence.

I forgive myself for NOT allowing and accepting myself to realize that by creating this character instead of becoming someone worth in existence I separated myself from existence as a whole as being more/less than other people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to search for a power outside of myself NOT realizing that my search for something more indicated that I have separated myself from existence as a whole into mind layers and dimensions-thus had the need/requirement to search for myself somewhere out there in order to validate my existence.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to realize that I AM existence/life in the flesh and what matters is/has always been here in front of me in the physical reality-instead I began a journey to the far-far land in my mind where I was looking to find a source of life-NOT realizing that LIFE is/has been always here-thus I am life-thus one and equal as life to all life forms in the physical existence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately use my imaginary powers towards other people in the form of personal gain (get the one I am attracted to, be the healer/the special one...).

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see that my desire to be more than another (no matter the shape and form it may present itself) comes directly from me as a product of a society that creates more/less (competition) in order to validate itself as "life" within existence-not realizing that if we remove the competition/trying to fit in/the search for a source OUT there, existence as life is/has always been here-we just separated ourselves because we were unable to see that we are in fact LIFE down to the molecular level or whatever the smallest unit that exists as life is.

I commit myself to no longer play the superhero/healer character and create myself as something more than life, realizing that I can never be more or less than what I already am-LIFE- in that whenever I fall into this character- I stop, breathe, realize that this character is not who I am and stop my participation in it.

I commit myself to use what the physical has to offer and be a practical healer/helper of others-not as a special power but as reality, as the resources I take from what Earth has to offer for me to use-no special powers from a far, far away land (mind)- in that if there is a point that arises within myself to have a special power- I stop, breathe, realize that this power is unreal and bring myself back to reality.

I commit myself to show others (who are in the same place in their mind from where I come from) that the real power lays in fact inside ourselves-not as separate entity but it stands as life-that which we essentially all are within existence.

I commit myself to show the others who are waking my path from the mind back to reality that we in fact are existence-LIFE and we can never be more/less than that which we offer ourselves to express as life in the physical.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Day 13-The Beauty Vacation

What I have noticed about myself is when looking at travel magazines I will get a feeling/movement within myself when looking at the presented picture that promises "wonders" to see at the particular place that is advertised. This feeling, I have come to realize, originates within my solar plexus/stomach area and it comes from a thought within my mind from a spiritual perspective where if I was to go to this place I will experience some sort of bliss, something that apparently I cannot get while being in the current place I am. Bottom line is this feeling is connected with a subconscious thought/desire of escaping the here (where I am) and going to a place where I will apparently feel better. By looking at the image/picture my eyes see the beauty of the advertisement-clean water, soft sand, blue sunny sky, green/trees, party, people, silence, waterfalls, amazing, "spiritual"-connection to Earth, connection to myself. As if I need to be somewhere else in order to be connected to myself-because I cannot see that there is really no connection to self because I am already constantly here-I am constantly connected to self-thus looking to connect me to myself in a different place is silly-I am already HERE.

What happens if and when I actually get to travel to a place of my "fantasy"? The physical reality of the place comes out! In all my travelings I have gotten to go to it has never been a fulfillment of my "Fantasy-advertisement". One deals with the reality of the place-weather condition, bugs, commercial, nothing spiritual about it, the sand is rough, the water is cold, the sun is hot, the trees are not so green and pretty (according to an image representation), it is not so silent, the ocean is vast and waves are big, eating out in restaurants-hurting my tummy, visiting "boring" sites that are only there as a "tourist" attraction and mean nothing unless one is there to visit history itself-I suppose in which the starting point will be different. Depending on the place one is faced with the poverty of the place or being locked up in a resort that is separate and superficial from what is really going on out there. The bottom line is the image never matches the reality-in terms my starting point to visit/travel to a place is that of fulfilling the image that my mind has defined as "beauty"-the perfect vacation! The result is disappointment!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give an image/idea/advertisement life within my mind and expect it to match reality-when reality will never match the mind because the mind operates on images/pictures and not what is physically here offered by the physical reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look/search for a place that will bring me bliss and offer me to escape what is here not realizing that one wants to escape reality only from a mind perspective in order not to face what is going on within the reality we have designed/created for ourselves to exists as.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard/ignore reality as what it has to offer (from a physical perspective) as well as what we have created (the reality from a mind perspective) because I see that we have created a reality of pain and misery for ourselves, however instead of facing ourselves and accepting responsibility to change ourselves-and in terms our reality- we want to escape to a mind reality where apparently everything is perfect.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see that it will take physical time, physical change, physical realization in order for all to see that we are capable of changing and realizing ourselves to become human beings that care for the physical reality and in terms are capable of creating a reality where we can all enjoy ourselves-thus the ego/mind that drives our physical bodies must be deleted so that we can emerge as individuals that care about the physical reality/use common sense to make decision within the principle of what is best for all.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to realize that my starting point to traveling/visiting places around the world has been that of self dishonesty-since it originated in my mind and it tried projecting it out-Everything seems "perfect" in the mind.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing to realize that it is not going to match an image from my mind/advertisement-thus having such an image exists within myself is pointless-thus it must be deleted as it exists as a point I have allowed to program within myself from images and ideas I have come across.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing for my starting point to be self-corrected-as it is ridicules to be driven/moved by an image, rather I accept to be/moved/driven by self with what is here/physical reality-and when I experience myself driven by an image to STOP, breathe and bring myself back to reality.

I commit myself to be self honest with my starting point to traveling/visiting a place, realize that it is not for escaping the reality of where I am currently at-thus if I experience the need to escape reality-I stop, breathe and investigate the reason for wanting to escape reality.

I commit myself to actually enjoy the physical reality and look at how I move myself within the physical reality-thus when I visit/travel to a different place realize that the other place is essentially the same place as where I am currently and if I can enjoy the trees, sun, water where I am at currently-I will be able to enjoy the sun, trees, water, whatever that environment has to offer exactly the same as being where I am currently at. The only thing that changes is the physical environment (ocean, desert, lake, mountains), however moving myself does not.

When going on “vacation” and experiencing boredom/disappointment due to the physical environment not matching the picture in my head-I commit myself to stop and breathe and find ways to enjoy the physical environment as it is.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Day 12-Redefining Words: Patriotism-Breaking Down the Character Part 2

Here I am continuing the Day 11-Redefining Words: Patriotism Part 1with the self forgiveness statements.
Also read Day 4-Redefining Words: Marriage

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play the polarity game from a stand point of view of a person who hates/can't stand people who are patriotic, not realizing that they are this character/personality design based on the product of this society-as I am no different=a product of this system/society.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have built my character/personality design as a person who hates/can't stand people who are patriotic, who defend a country based on a historical realm and do not even realize it within themselves why is it that they are this way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the opposite polarity of a patriotic person- thus being a direct supporter of patriotic people, not realizing that for a patriotic person to exists- a person who is against patriotism must exists (the only way this game is fed).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to subconsciously have created my character (person who is against patriotism) based on the experiences I have encounter and within this character I have given it "life" to feed this system and my mind, to built hatred within myself that sucks the physical life out of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create reactions/movements within me upon hearing the word "patriotism" as I have given "life" to it through all my attachments to the word itself.

I commit myself to let go of any attachments I have towards the word "patriotism" which frees me from living out the hate I have attached towards people who are patriotic.

I commit myself to exposing the deception behind the word "patriotism", where this word originates from and how one can erase this word from the history of language to no longer give "life" to something that is abusive in nature and it only exists in order to separate humanity to keep us enslave to ourselves within the illusion of the mind.

I commit myself to be the living example that one can change and become a caring human being that honors life thus as the above image states "I Pledge the Allegiance to the Earth...." and to bring forth change in this world where the future generations of planet Earth can be a product of a society that values life, honors each other, cares for their home.


Saturday, July 7, 2012

Day 11-Redefinding Words: Patriotism Part 1

Also read- Redefining Words: Marriage
Today I am addressing the word "patriotism" and how I have attached a negative emotional meaning to this word based on an experiences I have had.

I used to date a guy that was an White American (born and raised) with some European descend of many nations. He had this personality design of being all about Patriotism and how great America was as a country. He used to play it tough and talk shit about other races and nationalities (yet he dated me as a Bulgarian) and tell me that "If they didn't like it here they should go back where they came from". He also liked using the word "nigger" a lot as a form of inferiority towards another person (no matter if they were black or not) like when he was pissed off and about to beat the shit out of the person. He had many anger issues that he liked to present in a form of swearing and puffing up like a bird in defense, but he wouldn't do a lot or carry it out physically majority of the time. There were many things I couldn't stand about him but did not know how to address them at the time and became hateful/confused/contradicted of his views which was one aspect of what ended the relationship.
While dating him I became very spiteful of his view on other nations and other people, as he had no respect or at least presented himself as a person who had no respect, he was all "tough" about it- kinda reminds me of one of those cars that have the sticker "God Bless America" shit, or hang the American flag on their front door implying "Look at me I am an American and I am proud of it".
A couple of days ago I came across the above image on Facebook. I reposed it immediately. This morning something about the image brought my attention to my thoughts which got allocated to the actual word "Patriotism". I thought about it from a point of separation which created a angry reaction within me towards people who are patriotic. My chain of thoughts were the following:
People who are patriotic live in such deception and separation from others because they view their country as better than other countries. Instead of helping out countries who need help, instead of equalizing all countries and resources for everyone-those patriotic people spit on other nations, hold on to their "God Bless America" and flag crap and don't give a shit that other countries are suffering in order America to be in a good position.
I noticed I began to get angry within myself towards those people. Then I stopped the thought chain, I breathed, stabilized myself and pin pointed when such a reaction had originated within me= I created it while dating that guy as a defensive reaction to his personality design of "patriotism". I was also able to get a further  time when I could have attached the negative meaning towards this word= when we had guests over the house (Bulgarians) for dinner because of an event, they would eat, get drunk and talk shit about America and how unfair this country is BUT they chose to come here anyways to live because despite of how bad/unfair this country is-it is still better than Bulgaria.
So lets look at the reality of patriotism without any attachments-just the bare truth.
For such a word to have originated in history it presents the reflection of separation between people/nations/races within a political realm. If we look at the History of America and the Revolutionary War a patriotic person was someone that stood and fought for their country at all cost of that which they perceived to be freedom from another country. Freedom meant they can now be their own law/politics/ government independent from in this case England. There is many nasty things that went on on both sides of the war. Patriotism was a form of self defense, motivation for the people to not give up. However the fucked up thing is that once they were able to get their "freedom" they turned hypocrites and enslaved their new land pushing away/killing natives and participating in slave trades- in terms not honoring the freedom of those people and counting them as equals. There is nothing more hypocritical than saying "God Bless _____a country". Because America was fully established based on protestant religion (which is redefined Catholicisms-the main reason they wanted to separate from England so that they can establish and practice their religion freely)-the logo "God Bless America" is very specific to America. And why is it that God should only bless America and fuck other counties represent the very deception of religion (which is a completely other topic of itself) and separation of nations/people/races. Thus the transformation of being Patriotic has become a direct reflection of God/religion and being a "good" Christian and a "good" politician-someone who supports their country even if it means fuck the rest of the world. (God and Politics live in the same house..the house of MONEY).
There is no need to get angry at people once I understand that they really don't know any better. There is no need to be angry at people for the way they have been brought up within this "patriotic" society.
The only truth is that we as humanity are collectively responsible for such atrocities, for a dysfunctional world that is based on survival and religious deception. If I said "I am not like that"- it means I am separating myself from the rest. The only difference is that I can understand why and where it came from which is why I am responsible for stopping myself to float in the river of deception and move on to a place where I can be part of a solution. Every one can make that decision for themselves- once this is realized there is no going back. Blaming/pointing fingers at others has never been a solution. As part of the solution I am responsible to stop blaming others,to delete anger within me towards those people and to expose/bring their attention to why they have accepted and allowed such a path (directly and indirectly). Hate is not something we are born with- it is taught. If I react to such people= I am only participating within the opposite side of the same issue-which in terms feeds the polarity.

There is really no need for the word "patriotism" to exists (as the basis for such a word is the very separation between people) IF we implement the Equal Money System.

My self forgiveness statements on my reaction to the word "patriotism" is to come in my next writing.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Day 10-Admiring the Life of Others Part 2

This is a continuation to: Day 9-Admiring the Life of Others Part 1
This blog is about grounding myself from the life of admiration to moving myself breath by breath in each moment.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to see other's fragment of lives in a point of admiration (high point polarity)-within this implying that my life (in a low end polarity) is useless because I have not being able to accomplish and commit myself to anything I came across.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to exist in the feeling of admiration as a separate entity that defines my life as low/empty/unworthy in comparison to another life as high/better/worth instead of seeing another's life as part of the whole existence of life and how one move themselves within the physical existence/life-within this saying that life is ONE within its expression (that we all share equally here on Earth) and not a separate/individual entity.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to exists in doubt and fear which is a reflection of the mind towards life instead of self direction as life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to use "I can't commit" as an excuse to avoid accepting responsibility towards committing to a learning/practicing a skill- trying out for myself.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to accept fear and doubt to be my life and limit me from exploring self expression with the starting point of self honesty/clarity within a certain skill.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to blame myself as useless and use this as an excuse to pity myself "crawl in my corner and cry" rather than standing up and facing my fears and doubts that I have created to exists as me through participation in my mind-(thoughts/feelings/emotions).

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge myself for something I have not even tried out-which I have projected in myself as fear through participation in the mind, because if I look at the same situation with clear eyes (no emotion/feeling attached) I can direct myself within any situation with clarity and self honesty to expand self expression within a certain skill.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge myself as teacher for if I am able to teach myself I CAN be a teacher as the self expression of a teacher and not a TITLE name/personality/character that is defined to be a teacher through the mind.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to doubt the skills that I have learned in school-where I spend 2.5 years learning methods of teaching children- which I CAN put in practical use if given the chance-which is to come this fall during student teaching.

I commit myself to accomplishing a very important goal in this life-
First be the self change and a leading example, a teacher for myself and others-showing that human beings are possible to change FROM pre-programmed/greed/ego/mind relationship and "eating each other" as a point of survival TO a human being that values life/themselves/and is educated to care for others/Earth/resources, without existing in self judgement that gets projected onto others.

Second, I am fortunate to have chosen to be part of a group that stands to bringing forth equality and the realization that we are equal as life. I am fortunate to have chosen to be part of this important project (Equal Money System) that holds the very change and evolution in humanity to finally stop existing as separate mind entity (positive/negative judgement, high-low feelings/emotions, competition, point of survival that drives people to become mind possessed) and join the rest of existence/life in the physical to finally enjoy and be life by using our brains, common sense and create a world that is best for all and dignified/values everyone/everything with no exception, gives the opportunity for everyone/everything to equally expand on self expression, provides guidance and support.

I commit myself to take steps forward, to acquiring skills that are practical and I enjoy, to trying out different skills even if I do not succeed in them from a physical perspective.

I commit myself to moving myself breath by breath, moment by moment.

Monday, July 2, 2012

Day 9-Admiring the Life of Others Part 1

Yesterday I was on Facebook and occasionally I like to check people's profile's to see what they are up to or have done since the last time we spoke or saw each other. There is this girl I went to Dahn Yoga with  back in 2008. Since then she has had quite the traveling adventure around the world-working at different places. She is a diver and a photographer. Yesterday I looked at her latest album of ocean life-photo's she took while diving.
What I experienced within me was a sense of admiration for her, for her life style, for her accomplishments. Then I went to compare my life to hers-I judged my life as being boring and useless because I have not traveled, or have accomplished anything to where me or someone else can look at/reflect me and say-"yeah she is great at doing this or that". I've not being able to commit to anything that I have touched or came across and I have not been able to allow myself to simply live and practice/share a skill. Travelling has been something of a "wish" for me because it is something I never got to do in fact- for I never had the clear opportunity (meaning in my immediate environment an opportunity to work and travel never came up) to do so AND I guess there was a sense of fear of being alone out there.
The other point is that I can't say that I am good at something from the perspective of how some people have a trait of being good at doing something-practically. Like my brother and James are good at computers and programming, they know their way around it, they go to hack-a-tons,they enjoy it, they work together-they share this skill together. I can't say this about myself-I can't say that I am good at anything in particular-where I can share a skill with another, participate in whatever activities within that skill. Everything that I had tried has died-because somewhere down the road I could not commit to myself, I never got to be in a group of people that practice a particular skill within their life (aside from Desteni-where I have not been able to bond with others-because it's only online which makes it difficult to actually bond in person through sharing an experience and participating together doing something).
The closest thing I can think of is YOGA. However what seemed to stop me from participating in group (as for example -yoga retreats, expanding the skill, training) was 1. it cost money and 2. yoga is seen as a spiritual practice in which I cannot participate given what I know about spirituality through Desteni as well as what i have realized for myself when I was in the spiritual environment (love and light bullshit). I had a chance to teach YOGA, I just couldn't find the ground where I can teach as self expression and not spiritual knowledge. I was always worried about my audience that I am teaching-to provide to them what they have come for within the practice of yoga-but given what they wanted was a spiritual approach- or type of yoga practice I had no full knowledge of-I couldn't do it. I judged myself as a YOGA teacher, I judged myself as a toddler's teacher, and I am still judging myself as a future school teacher-Will I be able to do it? How do I approach teaching? What is my teaching style? Is my teaching style good enough for me to be hired as a teacher? Will I fail at being a teacher because I do not know how to teach what they want me to teach as suppose to what I would like to teach? What is it that I would like to teach, as a teaching style, material? How do I NOT fuck up children as a teacher? All these questions-challenges I have seen/see and get discouraged, scared- Am I good enough? Do I have what it takes? Do I have the skill to do it? Doubt in self, fear of failure. What is it that I want to accomplish in this life? What is my goal? If I don't even know my goal, how am I supposed to direct myself to committing-accomplishing-moving forward-expanding myself, have something to offer this world as what is best for all.

After I admired her pictures/work/life through Facebook-I stopped and investigated this feeling.  The fact that I compared my life to hers as in I was at the empty/negative polarity to her fulfilling/positive polarity I realized that admiration is a sort of jealousy-jealousy in it's positive charge.
And this girl I am speaking of- I know nothing about her life in fact. I get an image from a picture-fragment/ a moment of her life that she shared- I don't know how she got there, what she had to walk, what she had to do, what her challenges were that she faced to get where she is today- so in reality I am admiring a picture/moment/fragment of someone's life from my mind representation based on her pictures.

I realized that YES, it is true that I have not committed myself to anything in particular-I do give up many times when I see that something is a challenge, when my motivation towards something dies-(which would imply that motivation was not real to begin with). It means that my motivation was charged up in the event of something-like admiring someone's life and then when I tried it for myself-to accomplish a skill, to be "good" at something I give up because I don't receive group support, because it becomes a challenge, it becomes a responsibility, and the motivation dies with the charge.
Then another branch of this point is perhaps I unconsciously want to be on the other side-the one who's life is admired by others-(this comes from the statement I said above-"yeah she is great at doing this or that").

So obviously this is a problem that requires self forgiveness-correction and redirection. I will continue with the SF statements in tomorrow's writing.