Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Day 26-Deleting CharACTers: Crying As a Form of Release

What I have noticed about myself is that my reaction to being irritated, annoyed, frustrated, angry if pushed to its limit will be me crying-which is a clear indication of me reacting, of course, to an issue/problem projected towards another or myself, not solving the problem/issue but exploding up in tears because I have allowed myself to be taken out of my stability point.

Now, the crying character comes out innocent as me reacting to an emotion but it can very easily be manipulative because when the other person sees me crying they begin to feel bad about me and probably confused as to what set me up in tears on the first place (unless they were paying close attention to how I was reacting, or deliberately wanted to get a reaction out of me-in which case they "won").  Crying is the point where the emotion has already built up within myself and my body needs to release it-so I cry (with others this point may be flipping tables, hitting others or themselves, hurting, yelling- much more severe consequences). But since I tend to internalize more than externalize crying is the worse reaction to an emotion that will come out of me. Whatever the reaction it is not OK.

The truth is I don't intentionally use crying as a form of manipulation however it does help as a wall breaker to open up the conversation to the real problem that caused the crying reaction. The problem with this is that even though it helps to take out the emotion it was still a reaction that was allowed to take place and placed me out of my stability point. This is NOT how I would like to solve problems or make decisions (like riding a roller coaster= there is an issue that keeps building within me- I react by exploding in tears- I calm down and proceed to possibly solve the issue). Instead I am looking to when an issue arises to breathe, relax and walk myself through the issue in stability because then I am able to address way more than when I have already reacted.

Being able to address issues or make decisions in stability is a huge thing in this journey process for everyone who is walking it- because lets face it, as human "nature" we react with emotions and feelings which leads to consequential results with no common sense solution simply because in the point of reaction upon emotion/feeling we are taken out of stability and all over the place in our minds unable to look at things with clarity. So human "nature" as we so call it is def able to change. All it takes is the realization that it is possible to self change and stop allowing the excuse that our reactions are "human nature" so "I'll simply accept and do nothing about it".....and the action to stand up within ourselves and do something about it (we are not babies and have plenty of words we can use to communicate an issue, look at it in perspective in all aspects and formulate a solution that will work out for the best of all)- which is essentially what is being done with the blogs I am writing, and what we are all busy walking in the Desteni group (individually-because all humans come from different places and backgrounds full of mental issues that think it is apparently NORMAL). Also on the big scale we are addressing how we can change the system to one that values LIFE because lets face it, once we are able to change on individual level= we can clearly see that what we accept and allow to govern our lives within the current system is def not working in what is best for all life- which brings us to the point that if one is able to see that we must change ourselves to individuals that are able to make common sense decisions with stability then-one is able to see how we can create a system that works best for all- I mean it goes hand in hand (small scale=big scale).
What emerges from that point on is actually being able to live in stability, make wise/common sense choices and decisions=to better/evolved humanity overall.

Now, back to myself.
Let's take for example, my ballroom experience yesterday. James and I were dancing bachata. My body had just relaxed to the movements (as natural, rather than thinking of my movements) and we were introduced to a new move. I had a hard time making the movement and after repeated tries and failing to do it right I got frustrated. I was so close to bursting into tears that one more word out of the dance instructor (didn't matter what he could have said) would have tipped me off into tears. He must have seen my frustration at which point we stopped and switched to another dance. I had to walk away, take a deep breathe and drink some water before returning to dancing. Why did I get frustrated? Was it the point of approach or because I could not get the move try after try. Did I feel pushed or maybe I thought I looked stupid because I was not getting it.
What could I have done differently so that I did not get frustrated. Perhaps I could have stopped myself once I realized that I was not getting this move tonight and that is OK. I cannot expect to get every move from the first try. Some movements I need to walk at a slower pace, by myself- literally step by step.

Next blog I am walking the Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective statements from my dance practice.

I must say that the crying point has multiple dimensions which I will have to walk out of-because crying is the end result. What needs to be addressed is each cause. I will be addressing each point/cause as it arises within me.

Friday, January 25, 2013

Day 25-"These Old People"

Today I am looking at my behavior around elderly people and more specific my grandparents. Since I have arrived in the US both my grandparents (my dad's and my mom's side) have visited multiple times.   I am not going to discuss my childhood and my grandparents in this blog but rather my later years-particularly how I experience myself with my grandma visiting last year, and now my grandparents on my mom's side.
So there is this tendency of getting annoyed with my grandmas and now my husband's grandma as  well, and more so with the personality design they have become throughout their lives and how they have changed as they have gotten older. They like to "pass" down their information to me to which I experience a reaction to (what/how/where/why I should do something). When I react, my voice gets either louder in response to them and blabs the opposite of what they are trying to tell me and I justify why I am right and what they are telling me it's wrong OR I am quiet participating in my backchat while they are talking. I would like to self correct myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have an annoying reaction towards the grandmas. I realize that according to them they mean "good" even if what they are saying comes out from their built emotions/feelings and attachments they have accepted as life. I realize that they have become who they are by accepting and allowing to exists within fear, beauty, believes, ideas, others and when they speak to me they are representing these designs as themselves.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be mean to them or ignore them in reaction to being annoyed with how/what/why they are sharing with me instead of explaining my starting point in whatever I am doing even if it does not agree with their point of view on how things should be handled.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT see the self reflection to my reaction of their words and investigate why what they are saying is annoying me.

When the point of annoyance arises  I stop, I breathe and direct myself to step into the grandma's shoes to understand what they are saying. I realize that their starting point may not be in the best solution. I explain myself and proceed without reactions.
In the case of a grandparent not being able to understand me, I direct myself to step back and depending on what the situation is let it go, because I realize that it is very hard to change the personality design of an elderly person-almost impossible because they are used to their life style and what they have built as themselves.

I commit myself to establish a common ground for conversation/understanding and polite treatment of the grandmas because I realize that is the best assistance I can offer in self honesty.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Day 24- Deleting CharACTers: The Sarcasm Character

In this post I am investigating the sarcasm character. I am sure everyone has a different approach to using sarcasm in their speech, but here is mine.
If I self honestly look at the times I use sarcasm there is a few feelings/emotions I find as my starting  point.
The first point is when I am experiencing a sad/embarrassment emotion and as the opposite polarity I begin to use sarcasm in order to cheer me up. This experience used to happen to me a lot when I was younger. I remember one experience where I was rollerblading in the park (I was 15) with my friend, and I fell in front of those guys with whom we were hanging out with at the time. I liked one of the guys and when I fell I experienced a huge embarrassment. My friend and I went home ( I also hurt myself) and I was more concerned about me falling in front of the guys than my physical injury. I was crying until I could no longer cry at which point the sarcasm kicked in and began to make fun of the guys and laughing so hard that I could not breathe. I have not experienced this point of me using sarcasm in a long time since those kind of feelings are at minimum now-a-days (thanks the the tools I have been using given at Desteni for self change).

The second point when I use sarcasm is a very fresh one and very common. It is something I really need to look into as it my language transforms from a point of joking around to sarcasm and laughing at the expense of anther's "misfortune". This happens within our "friendship" group of people because it is a level of comfortability and expecting the other person to not get offended. Of course I am not the only one using sarcasm and it is often used towards me. When it is used towards me I have no particular inner reactions (at least not as I used to), however I catch myself in how, if we look from the side there is no real conversation happening, just us insulting each other. I mean is this the only way we can have a laugh? Now I am not saying that I should stop using sarcasm in my life, simply clear and change my starting point. Because lets face it, if we are all in agreement to use sarcasm on each other then there is no issue other than our starting points.

So here are some starting points I use sarcasm:
-To be funny
-To keep a "conversation" going
-To have something to say
-Open up a "conversation"
-When feeling irritated/annoyed with another and expressing/hiding my irritation through sarcasm so that the other person knows I am just "joking around" even if I am not (which is most of the time).
-When feeling irritated it is much easier to address something in a sarcasm form than to sit down and discuss.
-Using sarcasm gives the impression of a "smart ass" who just needs to make a comment even if it had no valuable input.

So lets see how all of those starting points have a reaction built within them. They are all in order to present a character to another and hide behind with using sarcasm.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use sarcasm with the starting point of hiding and presenting a character for others to be amused by/ to be not offended by/ to express my anger/irritation/annoyance/ to avoid having a discussion about the issue/problem.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use sarcasm in order to keep a "conversation" with another, not realizing that there IS no real conversation going on other than empty words.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the image of people using sarcasm as being "smart asses" and funny, which gives me a way of entertainment often in the expense of another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself NOT to realize that words can hurt people and can built and shape how people see themselves in accordance to what they accept themselves to be in their mind which is often triggered by someone else's words and since people are not aware of how to deal with those emotions/feelings (hence no Desteni support to open their eyes) they will take those words to heart and accept this as a mind illness and depression, self delusion, loosing self confidence to the point where sarcasm becomes a point of bullying a person which is plain abuse.

I commit myself to use sarcasm with the starting point to have fun with another or ease with whom we have agreed to use sarcasm as a form of joking around, however NOT as a conversation filler, as expression of anger/irritation and annoyance, not to appear funny to others or ending hurting others.

I commit myself to use sarcasm with actual awareness and not throwing around empty words.

When I catch myself using sarcasm as any of the above mentioned starting points, I stop, I breathe and correct myself, I direct myself to stop the use of such sarcasm and if it means to exit the conversation with people then so be it.

I commit myself to addressing when someone else is using sarcasm towards me that I do not wish to be part of or simply it is not time to be joking around, but having a discussion or listening to each other and taking/hearing what I or the other person has to say with consideration to receive information/conversation that is being shared.

I commit myself to bring awareness to others when they use sarcasm with the starting point of a reaction (which is always the case with people whom are not aware of this point-just like I would not be aware of this point if I had not known any better than to self correct).

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Day 23- Breaking Through

Today I was looking through some old archives (print outs) I had placed in a folder from my very first post on the Desteni Forum (which then had a much different look as it was in process of development and establishment to the forum it is today). What I noticed in my writing was the huge amount of CONFUSION. My post was full of questions that questioned what is real and not in this world as all I had previously thought/perceived to be real was shattered down.

One of the biggest illusions I had was that there is something out there (higher being, higher self, angels on different planes) within my mind that was the reality and this physical world was the illusion. Wow, how wrong was I to have built that belief. I mean how can I ignore the matter of that which exists here in the physical reality?

Anyhow. As I read my post I realized how far I've come since that day 28 March 2008 when I first joined the forum and began to open my eyes to self responsibility and reality of our world and how we create it and the most important part the solution to self change and global change.

I went from meditating and trying to astral project using my mind and creating all kinds of things in there to escape the physical reality as I was experiencing my physical reality heartbroken, self victimizing, accepting my feelings and emotions to lead the direction of my life, searching for love and that special one looking for that special feeling, believing that I am meant to be with a certain person, that the "higher self/being" has me align with, searching for some special bliss out there to fulfill me....blah blah...blah.

When I realized this all has been a lie that I and only I created in my mind and that I can walk out of it, and create myself within the real physical time and space, with real people,  with self direction by taking self responsibility to self forgive/self correct and clear the mind crap I had used to fill myself up with, learning how to actually for the first time be self directive and not react to emotions and feelings but respond with practicality and effectiveness------THERE IS NO GOING BACK!!!

By reading my very first post today, I realized that I have been judgmental towards other people who for the first time come across Desteni and experience the same confusion I did. I realized that I have not considered the other people from that perspective because I am so far away from that point of confusion and I have the expectation that they will "just get it", when it takes time and willingness to make the decision to begin this process with awareness. It does not happen over night as it is something walked in the physical reality. And every person must realize it for themselves.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself expect others to simply "just get it"when I myself have been physically walking process to be where I am today.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT consider/step in the shoes of the other person's perspective and see where they are coming from just as someone else stepped in my shoes and was able to assist me on the forum when I came from the perspective of confusion.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT realize that hearing the message of Desteni and Equal Money System is hard for people to see in a single breath and just because I have been able to see it/realize it does not mean that every person is ready and yet capable of comprehending the core of what is being said because of where people exists in their minds.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget that the mind creates a HUGE resistance to hearing anything other than what it has made itself to be and that for a person to step out of the dear place they hold in their life of illusion or escape, it will take courage, bravery, will to push through (like breaking from an egg) and what the person needs is gentle support and guidance (like I had received) in order to built trust and make the decision to wake the fuck up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react and threat the other person's words of non comprehension of the Desteni material as a personal attack, when in reality their minds are reacting to the information because they can't/don't know any other way.

When I begin to feel like a person is attacking me, I stop, I breathe and consider their starting point without judgement and see how based on where they are coming from I can assist them or not.

I commit myself to NOT take some one's words on a personal level and allowing myself to feel attacked, instead I commit myself to try my best to guide the person (whether using Desteni material or simply pointing a common sense direction in a language they can understand) and if that is not possible make the decision to leave them alone because abuse is simply INTOLERABLE.

I breathe!

Monday, January 21, 2013

Day 22-Multitasking Disaster

In this blog I am looking at the character of multitasking. I often find myself trying to accomplish many tasks throughout my day and what I have noticed is that my focus is split. That instead of focusing on one task at the time finishing and moving on to the next one, I start one task and in the middle move on to another, then another, then get back to the first one and at the end I have not completed any tasks or very few to reflect my full capacity of completing tasks. It is time to take control of how I move myself through tasks.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing "desire to finish many tasks throughout the day" be my driven factor to start tasks, instead of realizing that I can only do so much in one day and practically selecting tasks to be completed based on priority and necessity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to start many tasks and interrupt myself in the middle to move on to another task, not realizing that within the desire to finish many tasks there is a sense of laziness (for example I will be doing laundry which I need to pick up from the cat's room-when I go to get the laundry I decide that since I am already down here I should clean the cat's litter, change their water because going up the stairs and coming back down would be too much work.)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to at the end of the day when I was not able to complete everything that I set goal for, to feel irritated and blame myself for not being efficient, instead of stopping and investigating the point and self correcting.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel overwhelmed by wanting to complete many tasks, and when I am unable to do so because of multitasking I become discouraged to start tasks in general-leading to in fact being lazy.

As the point of laziness develops through my discouragement which I had allowed to form by my behavior in approaching tasks, then I find myself ignoring to do tasks by saying I will complete them later.  As I align myself to directing the matter of tasks, when a task pops up that I am able to do, but say "I can do it later..." I stop, I breathe and direct myself to accomplish the task with all of my attention on it.

I commit myself to before starting any tasks to consider the practicality within my participation in the selected tasks, to organize myself and in fact select tasks based on priority and necessity then proceed with the selected tasks one by one with all my attention on one task at the time.

When the urge/desire arises within me to multitask as in the example with the laundry I presented, I stop, I breathe and redirect myself back to the task I have chosen to perform until it has been completed. If there is such a task that needs to be spilt (as in part of it needs to be done now-the other later) I will direct myself accordingly with making sure that part one is fully completed before moving on to another task and then resuming back to the second part of the first task.

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Day 21-Writing as a "Chore" Part 2

Here I am walking the self forgiveness and self corrective statements reflecting yesterday's blog Day 20-Writing is a "Chore".

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define writing as a "chore"-something unpleasant that I need to do, hide from, avoid, rather than realizing that I write for myself and I can make writing enjoyable and something look forward to.

I forgive myself for identifying the word "chore" as something to be unpleasant, when every chore can essentially be done with enjoyment, I realize that the reason why I experience myself unpleasantly while performing a "chore" is because I attach certain feelings/emotions to certain chores.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach the "I don't feel like it!" feeling when it comes to writing because I actually have to make my brain work by investigating the points that arise within me, by actually making the self forgiveness and self corrective statements, by engaging in digging deeper into my emotions/feelings in order to face a point, by simply paying attention and being aware, by having to physically write out every word I would like to say with self honesty.

When the feeling of "I don't feel like it!" arises within me I realize that it is simply an excuse I make not to write, I stop, I breathe and engage in writing.

When the feeling of "I am not enjoying writing!" arises within me, I stop, I breathe, I investigate what about that moment came up within me as "I am not enjoying this", investigate the moment and everything I experienced within that moment in relation to writing to make me feel like I am not enjoying it, and see how I can make this an enjoyable moment of my day.

When the definition of a "chore" arises within me and directs me in what NOT to participate, I stop, breathe and realize that a "chore" can be enjoyable, I investigate what about a certain chore makes me not want to do it or enjoy it.

I realize that a "chore" is not something separate from me, but simply a self expression by engaging in performing the chore. I realize that chores are part of everyday life because and keep us effective and practical in living in the physical.

I commit myself to apply the same attitude towards all chores.

Friday, January 18, 2013

Day 20- Writing is a "Chore"

Continuing from yesterdays blog Day 19-Feeling Dreamy I want to address and further go into investigating why writing feels like a chore and further more what is a "chore" and why do I experience having to do chores as something unpleasant.

Google defines chore as:

  1. A routine task, esp. a household one.
  2. An unpleasant but necessary task.

So why would a chore be unpleasant but at the same time necessary task to do? A chore suggests that we must do something that applies to everyday life which supports us in whatever means the chore is, yet the chore itself is experienced as unpleasant. So it must not be the "chore's" fault, it must be us and how we perceive and experience ourselves while performing a certain chore. Here are some chores I can come up with:
-cleaning the bathroom
-cleaning the floors (sweep/vacuum)
-feeding the cats, cleaning their litter
-grocery shopping
-washing the dishes
-watering the plants
-walking the dog
-fixing the bed every morning
-keeping organized
-working on projects
-feeding/changing Victor
-practice sports/dance/yoga/working out

And what draws the line between a task being an entertainment/fun/enjoyment vs chore? Could it be that a chore is  experienced unpleasant because we allow it to be unpleasant. I mean what stops us from enjoying watering the plants, practice dance, yoga, dust and so on. There are many dimensions to how we experience a chore to be unpleasant. Here is how I can experience a chore as unpleasant.
-past experience
-annoyance because others don't do the chore
-don't have the time?
-don't know how to do it
-don't want to do it
-someone else will take care of it!
-got better things to do?
-it smells
-i'm tired
-there is a movie I'd rather watch
-it has to be planned
-wanting to be somewhere else

The last one I wrote with big letters because it is ultimate excuse not to do a "chore"- The indication of physical movement. Have we become so engaged in our minds that we see physical movement as something to be crying about?
I experience this with myself all the time. I am sitting down, I clearly have time to engage myself in any "chore" but I chose to sit and watch a movie and stimulate my mind. I tell myself "I'll do it later" and so on. 

So today I am discussing the part where I experience writing as a "chore" (I will stick to the definition of a chore for the moment before I redefine it for myself). 

What about writing feels like a chore to me? What is involved in writing really? Sitting down behind the computer, clicking the button to my blog and start to write. Really not that much physical movement involved. I should not be interrupted (more on that later when I discuss "multitasking"). Having a topic to discuss- Ah that is a BIG one for me. I think that before I sit down to write I must already have a topic in mind, I must already know what I will be writing. And if throughout the day I am participating in stimulating my mind without self reflection/realization of how I move myself throughout the day then I do not have anything to discuss. When in reality there is plenty to be discussed/shared/talked about/ self forgiven/changed/self corrected. Another aspect is feeling the need to finish and walk a point in writing all at ones, like I am running out of time or something (this will refer to another topic where I need to slow down and stop the obsession that everything needs to be done/completed in one day). So because of the need I feel to finish this blog and the self forgiveness/self corrective statements right now- I will stop myself and will continue writing them on tomorrow's blog. I must realize that process is taken step by step and not something I "get over" with, or rush through.

To be continued....

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Day 19-Feeling Dreamy

Here I am looking at how I have accepted and allowed to use feeling dreamy as an excuse to not be effective and active within daily activities and particularly towards writing and walking my process.

Since I began my last school semester my time to write dropped dramatically which is why I stopped writing or rather because I was not occupied with "thinking" about writing I decided that I had no time to do it for I was dedicating my time to school projects. Then when I was tired I told myself "I don't have time to write my process". This then turned into "I don't have time to write" because I began to see writing as a "chore" or another item on my list I had to complete like it was homework. The idea of it feeling like a chore turned me away from willing to write. Then school ended and now I really had no made up excuses for not writing, but getting in the habit of not writing over the school semester it seemed so much easier if I did not write. Within me I knew I should not stop but here it is...I have not written a process blog in over 4 months. That is all my responsibility. Then I began to think about writing which is why this blog is called "Feeling Dreamy". After reading others' blogs I'd say to myself- "here it is now get back to writing Anna!" but I let it stay only in my mind and as we know already thinking about doing something has no physical effects- it has to actually be physically walked.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stop my writing process with the excuse that I don't have time to do it because of school.
I realize that writing has got nothing to do with "having time" but rather with making time, because I realize how crucial writing is to my journey/process to walking in the physical. Since I have stopped writing I have lost my voice and my self-direction instead of handling situations in stability and walking through points that arise- I have been suppressing the points or walked them in my mind which obviously has not been effective. I have become timid and quiet instead of speaking up,  more internally reactive and having more back chats about myself and others, judgmental towards other and myself and most of all- DEAD because there was no will to do anything. Days would just fly by and I would be in a dreamy feeling just floating around allowing others to move me, be my voice and so on. I realize that through writing I am actually physically walking points in everyday life and by walking the points in writing I am investigating the points to align myself to being effective, willing to move myself and knowing how to respond/handle next time a similar situation happens that I need to face rather than react.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be willing to move myself and walk the points that arise within me which I need to face.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I can walk process in my mind knowing that for process to be effective I must walk in in physical time and space.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to say that I don't have time rather than make time to do my writing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to self sabotage me, self victimize me by creating a blame towards school, time, and other people that I have not been able to be effective within walking my process, that I have been allowing myself to participate in the back chat, internalize what I am feeling because I should know better than that. I should know better than to sabotage my process and give up the right to my mind to be my driven factor.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my mind determine my life which is everything that I have accepted and allowed myself to exists as within self interest and confusion, instability, emotions, feelings, memories that cloud me from being practical, self expressive, stable, willing.

I commit myself yet again to my daily journey/process writing.
I commit myself to make time to write my journey/process.
I commit myself to wake up from the dreamy stage I have allowed myself to exists in and start to willingly move myself within the physical.

When I begin to make an excuse to not have to write, I stop, I breathe, I reach to my laptop, go on my blog page and get to writing that which needs to be communicated, written in the open first for myself and second so that others may see and receive an assistance to their process as I receive assistance from other's process that I read about.

I realize there are more points related to this topic that I will begin addressing tomorrow.
To be continued...