Thursday, January 30, 2014

Day 60- Stabilizing My World

In a recent chat with Sunette Spies multiple points were opened up for discussion. So I will focus now on the first point that opened up in our chat.




This point has to do with "stabilizing my world" as Sunette placed it in those words :
"Look, Antoaneta - what I do is: whenever something change in my world that affects me and so through me others - I immediately take responsibility and stabilize my world, for me and for others because I know, if I react / blame - not going to change anything and I cannot personally do anything with the changes / structures that has been made, so what I can do and the power I do have - is to stabilize my world.....Yes, I do the mapping often when things change, it really works. So, give it a go and let me know."

I have noticed this within myself and other people, that we often tend to complain when something (outside of our control) is messing with our regular routine/schedule and blame is immediately placed on the person/thing that is making/causing the changes. Now when I/we place the blame to someone/something else I/we give that someone/something else the power over me/us to define how I will behave/react towards the given situation. The result is wasting my time and physical energy in the point of a mind reaction. Nasty things may be said without consideration of my/our words towards others and investigating or opening myself/ourselves towards the change or the reason why this change was presented is ignored/disregarded.
So what does it mean to stabilize my world? It means to take what is here (the change, look at it, see it, make the best out of it) and get control of self in how self will direct/move/decide within the given situation.
Recently my schedule at work was changed again because we need to meet certain guidelines for the state regarding the program the day care is running. And this was the only option left and at first I did not like the idea of my already established daily routine being messed with, but after the chat I realized that I just need to stabilize my world and move one and equal to this change and see what I do have control over within the decision of how I will move/direct myself within the change. I realized that to stabilize my world simply means to adjust myself/remain stable-without reactions according to the change that is presented as well as assessing what I do have control of because the part I do have control of is myself and I must align myself to the new change and see how I can create what is best for all given the new circumstances.

So I commit myself to chose to stop my whining/blaming regarding changes that are out of my control in my life and focus on that which I do have control over-myself direction within the change. I commit myself to take what is here within the change and see how I can better/expand/grow myself because I realize that such events that occurs in my life are actually a direct or indirect consequence to my mind energy reaction built over time- so when I am presented with things such as changes in my life, or something I don't like- it is because I am now in a position to overcome, to push through the resistances that limited my self development. Thus changes as such are an opportunity to better/change myself.

I can already see a practical change within me regarding the new schedule. And that is learning how to direct myself better in my classroom (students, environment, behavior).

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Day 59- Keeping My Mind Busy- Self Commitments

Continuing from the previous blog:
Day 58- Keeping My Mind Busy- Self Forgiveness

When I catch myself participating to keep my mind busy with various online activity that I deliberately do to avoid/escape my reality and be aware what is here, what needs to be done, or simply that fact that I am not directing myself in that particular moment, I stop, I breathe, I close my eyes and bring myself back here. I commit to investigate my action as to why I am avoiding/escaping my reality and allowing myself to be directed by my mind which wants to be kept busy and entertained.

I commit myself to slowing myself down, when doing an activity so that I am able to actually be here with the particular activity, rather than rushing through like the mind would rush through the thoughts always wanting the end result of something rather than remaining here through the "journey" to getting to that something.

Thursday, January 23, 2014

Day 58- Keeping My Mind Busy- Self Forgiveness

Continuing from Day 57- Keeping My Mind Busy




I have realized that I use the internet and Facebook in particular as a way of distraction from reality- and I refer to it as "taking my mind off things"....that is a funny saying because in reality I am not taking my mind off but rather submerging in my mind in a sort of entertainment and within that I don't realize that I am escaping my physical- my body is sitting or laying down, I am not aware of it, I am not aware of my surroundings per say, I am not aware of my breathing and I am deliberately avoiding doing something productive within my physical reality....whatever it may be.
In my last post I said that it felt like an addiction (net browsing)- being entertained by the stories of others and I have noticed that I am secretly judging them (positively or negatively)- which is what the mind entertainment actually IS.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately submerge in my mind, sink it in a form of entertainment that I have allowed and accepted to become a form of addiction and my way of escaping reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to be drawn into people's stories via the internet and use those stories to entertain my mind in a positive or negative way creating and validating a feeling within me that places me either on a superior level or inferior level to someone's else "life" (as presented on the net) and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge people based on a picture representation of what "pops" up as the newest story/update- the judgement creating a backchat within my mind that reflects my interpretation of what I have seen at that specific moment regarding the particular person which has been a pre programmed/accepted picture of that individual and I simply use the current picture to validate the personality I have given/attached to that person.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to realize that this is a form of addiction that is disguised under innocence that I am simply browsing the net and catching up with people's updates and stories- which has no particular relevance or practical use to my physical environment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself an "internet life" so to speak rather than making a phone call to the person and seeing them in fact and physically interacting with them, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feed the need of entertaining myself through my phone even when I am with the person in physical time as if the internet is more fun, moves faster, a click a way, no need to actually have a conversation with a person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the internet as a fast way to match the fast movement of thoughts that go on in my mind every second- becoming one and equal to that fast movement via the fast clicking or scrolling down and movement that happens while browsing the internet- where I am unable to stick to one view/picture and really look at it and I simply click-view-click-view-glance-click-view cycle, thus I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to slow myself down and to actually really look at and read things that I click on and in that to slow down in my physical reality to actually really look at things, explore, feel be aware of, investigate, be here with the person or task or myself- which allows the opportunity for self direction rather than impulse movement and to really enjoy the smallest particles of what is simply here as myself.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Day 57- Keeping My Mind Busy




So I went to CPK the other day for dinner and I was not feeling well- since I am sick (regular cold symptoms) and I noticed a few people on their cellphones- couples sitting together for dinner but instead of talking to each other they were on their phones and that brought a memory of my partner and I doing the same thing when we go out to eat and we are waiting and then I realized that I actually do that ALOT when I am out by myself or with others I have my phone in my hand looking at Facebook or articles, blogs and so on but what I NOT actually doing is interacting with that is here in my physical environment because the moment I put the phone down it's like I am confused on what to do because I don't have a task to be doing but to just sit there, so I instantly pick up my phone again and here I am exploring the net again. And non of this is self directed because it is driven by "I have nothing else to do now, so I need to keep myself busy", entertaining my mind with something funny I see, or interesting I read.
Tonight I finished watching a show and closed my computer, looked around the room, I was laying in bed and then ended up picking up my lap top again and visiting Facebook, scrolling down the newsfeed browsing over people's post to see if something funny, interesting catches my eye to open it. It's become like an addiction and a way to avoid doing things I should be taking care of.

Since this is an impulse and not self directed, meaning I kind of just do it without even considering my environment at the moment only to keep my mind busy- I am missing on simply being here, because if it was self directed I would with awareness make a decision to look at my phone, look at the computer deciding this is what I am going to now and this is what I will be doing in a productive way with a reason (for example, I am right now going to read a blog). Instead what happens is I end up getting side tracked because I look to entertain my mind.

More to expand on next blog...

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Day 56- Procrastination Be Gone!

Continuing from Day 55- Exposing My Procrastination 




I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make excuses and for those excuses to drive me into procrastinating.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to internally think that procrastination is something that everyone does so it makes it somehow OK and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a victim of procrastination instead of investigating the reason why I chose to procrastinate.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to procrastinate because I do not know how to do a certain task, because I perceive a task to be too time consuming, because I imagine that I can do the task later thus giving my mind to have power over me via the excuses I use to make myself feel better and validate myself for accepting to procrastinate.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to procrastinate because I perceive a task to be boring so I avoid it at all cost until it pushes to be done and then I have little to no time to complete the task and within that constricting time period I experience myself angry, irritated, agitated as if the task itself is to blame for me having to rush and do a poor job at completing the task.

Whenever I experience a task to be boring, time consuming, thinking about how I will do it, rather than doing it in fact, not knowing how to do a task so I give up on it, I commit myself to stop, breathe and bring myself back to here together with the task at hand, I investigate the experience as to why I am looking to avoid the task, I do self forgiveness regarding my internal reaction towards the specific task.

I commit myself to stop/delete my experiences towards tasks that drive me to procrastinate, and by bring ing myself back here together with the task I commit myself to slow myself down so that I am able to look at the specific task and do it/complete in fact.

I commit myself to start seeing/distinguishing when a task really does require to be completed at a later time and when it is a point that arises within me with a particular energy charge/experience towards the task that will drive me to begin procrastinating- and within that moment I need to be absolutely clear of reactions in order to make a clear/self directive decision regarding the specific task and what is required within common sense to be done for that particular moment.

Saturday, January 11, 2014

Day 55- Exposing My Procrastination




Today I am discussing procrastination vs. my idea that I am directing myself to do something later.
What does that mean?

"Procrastination: to be slow or late about doing something that should be done: to delay doing something until a later time because you do not want to do it."

Do decide with self direction that I will do something later means that I am aware/realize that the task needs to be done and I have assessed my physical environment deciding that this task will have to be completed at a later time based on physical aspects.

Procrastination implies that my decision to do something later had nothing in fact to do with my physical environment but rather with my mind in the form of non-motivation, creating excuses as to why the task should not be done right now but put off for a later time.

Having said this lest look at some excuses that I use to procrastinate and reasons to why I feel that a certain task should be procrastinated and then to make myself feel better I backchat myself into thinking that I took/made a self directed decision rather than have procrastinated.

-I am tired right now, my eyes are closing.
-I can do this later, now it is not a comfortable time.
-I am not ready to do this right now.
-This will take time which at the moment I do not have.
-I can do it tomorrow when I feel better and I am not tired.
-My brain is not working right now so I'd rather watch something to relax.
-I don't feel like doing this right now.
-There is something else I have to do before I can do this task.
-This task is not on my list for today.
-I forgot to do it.
-I did not write it down on my list of things.
-It will take too long.
-I've done part of the task, now I can relax and finish the rest later.
-It's bed time.
-I don't want to do this alone.
-The timing is off.

Ok, so ultimately those backchat excuses are done because the task is something I do not want to do, and that can have different reasons as to why I am not willing to do it.
Some examples:

-I do not know how to do this.
-I am going to need help and involving others can take too long.
-The task itself is time consuming.
-The task is boring.
-It worked fine in my mind, but now in reality it is harder.
-Time, Time, Time

It seems like at the core of it all it has to do with time, creating time for something that I am not willing to do, thus I will push it away as much as I can before I am squeezed to a point to where I HAVE TO DO IT and I don't have the option to not do it- creating my procrastination.
And interestingly enough once I actually start doing it because I have been cornered by reality/space and time- it really does not take that long....
Thus the TIME point has been an illusion, an excuse my mind created for not doing something that it did not want to do.

I really have to start investigating why my mind is not willing to do certain tasks because time is not the issue (unless I have procrastinated until the last minute- then time is really in fact a problem that manifested not because I did not have it but because I waiting until the end).

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Day 54- Speaking With Energy Self Forgiveness






Continue from Day 53- Speak With Sound

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use energy when speaking with others/children and within that not realizing how the energy affects my physical body in the moment of being upset/reacting towards others/children, not being aware of my behavior and within that not being stable and seeing how I can handle a situation by considering what is best for all the beings involved.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play out either a superiority (when I think I am in power) or inferiority (when I allow someone else's voice to be in power over me) constructs within my words/reactions towards others/children.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the reaction of speaking with energy to direct me/possess me from the slightest internal energy movement-where my body experiences a slight shift almost subtle- to the most extreme internal energy movement-where my body experiences a hot flash from my head to toe, my voice gets really loud and within that movement not realizing that this is a mind defense mechanism that in fact plays out in the superiority/inferiority patterns I allow in my life.

Thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to for not realizing that I am using the mind defense mechanism whenever I am not aware of how to handle a situation that will leave me feeling either in "fight or flight" scenario but from the perspective of words, where in "fight" I think I possess power over another (superior) as my voice gets louder and I become upset and angry and in "flight" my voice get really quiet, uncertain, frightful- and in both cases I am unable to communicate effectively with others.

When I catch myself reacting/using energy with my words in the mind defense mechanism, I stop, I breathe, bring myself together, if I have the time I assess the situation once I have calmed down and I search for a considerate way to respond within a scenario that will result in effective communication.

When I catch myself reacting/using energy with my words because I do not know how to respond effectively, I stop, I breathe, calm down, if needed I ask for help, if not, I assess the situation and see/look for a considerate approach. I try out different considerate approaches until I find the one that works best for the given situation.

When I catch myself reacting/using energy with my words, I stop, I breathe and within my considerate approach I use SOUND with my words.

Monday, January 6, 2014

Day 53- Speak with Sound




This blog reflects:
Day 42- I As A Teacher- Self Reflection
Day 43- I As A Teacher- Walking the Points
Day 44- I As A Teacher- Self Commitment
Day 45- Am I a Mean Teacher?

I have been talking to Sunette Spices in chats about my emotional reactions with students when they don't listen to me and the one thing she said to me is to practice using SOUND and body presence rather than ENERGY.
That means that when I speak, I use my voice tonality to address the students but without the emotion/feeling/energy attached to it. This of course does not refer when talking just to my students but it refers to when speaking to all other humans/animals and so forth.

So for about a month or so, I have been practicing on using sound and if I catch myself being upset or angry at a child for not following directions I take a breath and bring myself back and use Sound again.
At first it looked something like in between, switching back and forth between energy and sound. Now I can tell I am using more Sound, but I do catch myself falling into an energetic moments. I experience it by running out of breath when I am speaking my words, getting a slight headache, a rush of hotness through my body. When using sound, my body is calm, I am in control of my body behavior and can breathe in normal pace. Then I can decide if I want to elevate my voice or lower it depending on what I am getting across to the child.
I have to say the difference I am seeing in response from children has been better communication and the reaction I receive from them has been interesting, particularly with one child.
This child is going to great lengths testing my patience so to speak. He used to get a reaction out of me, before I began using my words with sound. And since I have stopped he has been clinging to me every moment he can, trying to get a reaction out of me- like he wants to feed on my energy but I am not allowing it.
It is quite interesting because I need to remain stable within myself and not allow him to get an energetic reaction out of me.

Next blog I will do some Self Forgiveness on previous reactions I have allowed to manifest towards my students in regarding using energy in my words.

I suggest listening to the Parenting Interviews (first 5 are free) to get an understanding/seeing/realization on how energy and sound form in new borns, how in the first year of our lives we shift towards energy and not sound because of our mind/body relationship- in in terms how do we get back to sound and diffuse the energy within us as the mind. Awesome Interviews!

Saturday, January 4, 2014

Day 52- Cat's Self Forgiveness





This blog follows up my last blog Day 51- Letting Go of my Cats. Here I want to go over some self forgiveness regarding my relationship with cats from an attachment/love perspective.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that cats experience emotions/feelings and thoughts like humans do because that is the only way I've known how to relate to an animal/pet and that is the only way my mind can interpret relating to an animal, like it would relate to another's human beings mind.

I forgive myself for not accepting, allowing and realizing that relationship to an animal/pet should be the physical interaction itself and the caring in meeting physical needs, enjoyment while being in each other's presence and the respect and appreciation towards another life form because from the perspective of life I and the animal/pet are equal and one.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create judgments towards each of my cats based on their different expressions in how I have a favorite (Simba) based on his interaction with me and creating the idea that he would be most hurt if I gave him away because I apparently have a "special" bond, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the idea of a special bond that places him above my other cats, I have allowed my mind to perceive Simba's expression as special, when it reality it is simply an expression of him and I should simply enjoy the presence of all my cats equally in each moment that we are in each other's presence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feed my mind with ideas that I am saving animals and that (when I took them in) without considering how those cats will physically be with each other, how their expressions will interact with each other, without taking into consideration my physical space and ability to care for a certain amount of cats, thus in that I was playing the savior construct.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that cats/animals/pets depend on human interaction to be "happy" and aside from them depending on being fed (because they are in captivity-hence pets) they are independent life forms that are aware of their physical and know how to live independently.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing apparent ownership over my cats/animals/pets as in a "master" "slave" relationship, as in I have some kind of power over them because their feeding depends on me giving it to them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to alienate myself from my cats because I think it will make it easier for me to give them away, thus by alienating myself I am creating a detachment from the previous created attachment, instead of making sure that I am present with them as usual and being able to give them away because that is the best option presented.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for feeling guilty for having to give my cats away, instead of simply seeing what needs to be practically done based on my current situation and simply do it.

When and if I experience sadness on an emotional level about my cats, I stop, I breathe and transform the sadness to being grateful for the time I have had them in my life.

Friday, January 3, 2014

Day 51- Letting Go of my Cats

(At the old house)



I used to have a cat back in Bulgaria when I was 12-14 years old. His name was Tommy (he was a kitten). He was a Siamese cat and I got him on my 12th Bday (I think). I was so happy that I finally got a cat. I had been wanting one for a very long time but my parents kept telling me no (at least that is my side of the story). I don't think they gave me a reason to why the answer was "no". So when they finally agreed to get me a cat I was really excited. After two years and a half, we left for the States (1998) and we could not take him with us. I was sad because I had created an attachment to him and as many people think about their pets I thought he would be feeling sad as well (however as I find out through Desteni animals don't have a mind like ours thus they don't experience feelings and emotions like us- they are simply physical beings expressing and interacting with their physical environment and people that are there and yes they love to interact with their caretakers but will eventually adjust to their physical environment and people as long as their physical needs are met and they are not experiencing trauma or an abusive environment).
One of my biggest sadness thought I generated within me was "What is he going to think when we leave him behind?". I thought he would experience sadness like I was experiencing it and that he will miss me like I missed him. He ended up giving him to my grandma who eventually gave him away to someone else. I never heard from him again. I had a picture of him when he was a kitten and I used it to charge my sadness for him and cry digging myself into memories of the cat.
After about a year of us arriving here my friend gave me a kitten for Christmas. Her name is Lisa (yes she is still around-going on 15 this year). I quickly forgot about Tommy (as he was only kept in my memories). I recall sometimes, having thoughts about Lisa dying and what was I going to do without her. That if she dies it would be awful. And I am not positive on why those thoughts were happening but at that time of my life I was one emotional teenager that was obsessed with the idea of love and true love and soul mates (only later to discover the deception behind those ideas/feelings/emotions). I probably just generated a polarity within myself that reflected what I was experiencing in my world regarding love and brought those thoughts over to my cat. And I told myself that I will never leave another cat like I did with Tommy.
Fast forward to the year 2009 we got Simba from a shelter. This was not a considerate decision as it was more of an impulse and the idea that I was saving an animal from the shelter. I did not at the time take into consideration how a new cat in the house will affect Lisa (who was now 11 and the only cat for 11 years). Lisa was stressed out because of the sudden environment change but eventually became ok with the new cat and actually started being more social. Simba is a social cat, very playful and enjoys the company of people. He can get rough sometimes with the other cats. Soon after my ex called me and said that one of his friend's cats needed a home. Again I took her in (Abby) without much consideration of changing the environment so soon after taking in Simba. Abby adjusted well with Simba but never with Lisa- this of course plays out with the expressions of the different cats. Over time I realized that the three together were not the best combination for each other, but I had already taken them in. Abby was originally supposed to stay temporarily until I found her a home, but I accepted her in. She is a cat that enjoys being petted and to sit in your lap (not so much being picked up).
So here I was with 3 cats now that were not the best combination for each other. Simba began to act out by becoming territorial and peeing everywhere and scratching where he should not be. Abby and Lisa were ok with each other from distance but there was a little bit of stress between them.
Then I got pregnant and had Victor. It was time to move in with my in laws because the house we were living we could not stay (my parents got divorced and the house had to go). My brother moved out on his own and I and my partner went to his parents so that we can get better assistance with the baby.
I was able to take the 3 cats for some period of time. Because of the living circumstances here (there is a dog) the cats had to go in the downstairs room so now they could not even enjoy the full house and the room sort of became the "cat room" where no one went to hang out in because it is a room that is inconvenient to be in- especially after we had to remove all furniture from there because Simba was peeing everywhere.
It has been like this for some time now and then my father in law said that this room can be utilized for our stuff to go downstairs because we (my partner and I) were taking up the second floor and it was too crowded. Or we could move out and take our cats- but moving out was not an option financially. And even if we did move out finding a place that will take 3 cats in will be pricy unless we buy a home which of course is not an option at the moment. And now I am faced with having to give away two of my cats. I chose Abby and Simba because they are the youngest and that makes more sense.
So here I am at the point of letting go of my cats. I have been looking for a home and all options fell through so now I am left with giving them to a shelter. I guess that is my consequence for not making a considerate decision when adopting the other cats on the first place.

I have not been experiencing any feelings or attachments of not wanting to let the cats go. This point was opened up in a chat with Sunette and after looking at it from a different perspective I no longer have the emotional attachment to animals, rather I see/realize/understand that to truly love an animal is to provide a good home and meet their physical needs so that they can enjoy the physical existence.

I have realized that Abby and Simba will adjust to their new environment and I need to make sure that their physical needs will be met and that the new caregiver is responsible and considerate. However I have been having a hard time finding such a person and I was really opposed to the idea of a shelter, especially when I don't know what will happen in the shelter. Today I contacted a person that volunteers in a shelter. I got a good reference for her from a friend and she gave me a good reference for the shelter she volunteers at. I will go and check it out and proceed from there.

I am writing here today stating that I am ready to let go of my cats and let another care giver take them. I know that they will adjust good in their new place and even thought I will miss them (as in meeting them, hugging, petting and playing), I am not sad.

Will keep updated on the shelter info.



Thursday, January 2, 2014

Day 50- Silent Anger/External Spite



Yesterday my partner started to make lunch, I had been on a walk and when I came back I saw he was cooking so I offered my help. He said I can make the salad if I did not make it the lazy way (he has in the past told me that my salad looks lazy without any effort).

So I looked at him and said with a little attitude: "You mean make it like you do it???" He said: "You don't have to just don't make it lazy". I thought for a bit, what does he mean by a lazy salad. I had all kids of thought rushing through as I had already reacted to his words and I was internally fighting myself not to externalize my reaction to him. And I thought I was releasing it in this way. However I was far from releasing this reaction.
My next words were "Well, what is a lazy salad?" (again with a little attitude but trying to hide my reaction). He told me it was the way I cut the vegetables- instead of taking my time to chop everything, I cut them big and they don't taste as delicious. In which response I said: "So YOU DO want me to cut them like you do!" He said: I guess so, because once you find a good way to make a salad why make it any other way that won't taste as good. I did not say anything else- but the whole time I was making the salad I was having a reaction to his words about my lazy salad. I noticed that when I was cutting the salad my hands were holding the knife with anger, and I vigorously chopped the vegetables.
I knew I was reacting and tried to stop myself, I was breathing but the reaction was activated and was not going away. It was a feeling in my upper stomach area that manifested as an spite/anger/rebellious point, where apparently I was taking it out on the vegetables and through that externalizing my reaction chopping them "the wrong way" (without being careful). It was my way of showing my partner my little tantrum. He did not say anything to me though. I fought myself for a bit because I knew what I was doing was not OK, but could not stop myself as long as I was experiencing the feeling in my stomach thus my actions were clouded by that feeling to such an extend that I really did not consider that my partner was correct when he said that the salad tastes better when chopped.
Later when the reaction had gone and I had eaten the salad I figured that the salad tastes better chopped because when it is finely cut the vegetables release more of their flavor.

So lets explore my reaction. I tend to react with a silent anger/external spite towards someone when I am being told that I can't do something "right"even though I had tried many times. Majority of the time it is when the person has not explained why they say I am doing something wrong....or want to be the right one regarding the situation.
Now of course there is no right or wrong way to make the salad, however there is a way to make the salad more delicious. Thus the point here is not right or wrong as I tend to perceive it, but rather what would make better sense for the given situation.

Silent anger/external spite is a re-occurrent reaction I experience when the situations is set up perfect for that reaction to activate. At the end I always end up "looking/acting stupid" because nothing effective comes out of my reaction, only dissatisfaction of myself.
This reaction is also triggered by me not being able to communicate effectively, in stability.

Since this is a general reaction I experience in different situation with a similar trigger I will do the self forgiveness and corrective application on the general experience and participation of silent anger/externalized spite.

SELF FORGIVENESS

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to split myself into two personalities (silent anger/external spite) in reaction to experiencing a dissatisfying feeling and the inability to communicate myself clearly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live the split personality of silent anger/external spite and fighting myself to suppress it rather than investigate it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see that the reaction of being silent in anger and express it in spite is a polarity construct existing within me because I have built it as a defense mechanism towards the attacker.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT see that the reaction is triggered by something within me that has imprinted from a previous negative experience and now every time a situation/person triggers me the reaction automatically plays out and I accept it to play out by participating in it and not investigating myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT see that in the moment of the reaction my actions are clouded, that in that moment the reaction activates, my mind goes into the memory/feeling of the imprint of my past negative experience and creates the current experience and how I feel in that moment towards the situation/person and absorbs all of that emotion/feeling/energy that runs through my body in the moment of anger and spite and essentially feeds off of the energy, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feed and entertain such energy for my mind while my physical body is paying the price.

Forgiveness for the salad scenario:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to take my reaction on the vegetables in the form of spite that derived from my silent anger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT see/feel/understand that I did not consider my physical interaction with the vegetables as part of the process of making a salad and handling them and myself and the knife with care.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT consider the physical moment of making the salad and how my hands were handling the knife and how I was cutting the vegetables.

SELF CORRECTING STATEMENTS:

When and if I am presented with a situation/person that triggers silent anger/external spite I stop I breathe and look into what/why it is being triggered.

When and if I begin to experience silent anger/external spite, I stop, I breathe and I consider the reality of the situation, I assess how to communicate myself effectively with the other person to where my words are not coming from the starting point of the reaction, if the reactions continues to come, I move myself away until I have calmed down so that I am able to communicate effectively and in that consider the physical reality of what I am doing.