Sunday, March 30, 2014

Day 69- I Have No Creativity!

"I have no creativity"- this point came up within me today when I was watching some videos of people who make/show points to the public in creative ways- meaning there is a touch of humor, a touch of symbolism, a touch of reality within the illusion that we allow and so on. So what I realized is that when I want to create something I tend to lack creativity which has been a number one point that I have not started any projects on my own so to speak in exploring various ways to present/demonstrate something important within humanity. Then when I look at myself as a teacher the times I get discouraged as a teacher is when I get stuck in how to teach a lesson because my starting point is not that of self expression/creation which would in term present the opportunity for creativity. Creativity is a skill that one can develop through self expression and exploring/seeing/discovering options of presenting something in various ways that will also have an impact on opening up people to see something beyond what they typically see based on their minds. In the same words as a teacher presenting a method/idea to teach a lesson that will reach students and open them up to understanding what they are learning.

So I've been struggling with both as I have the inner expression/will to do it- to be that creativity as self expression but when it actually comes to it, I go blank.
Something I am very good at though is having developed the skill of "copying" others.  So to give a perspective of what I mean- if there is a choreography dance I will be able to replicate it but I will have a hard time creating a choreography dance. Having the skill of copying as self expression is a good skill to express- because as it I am able to hear others and replicate that which is common sense, but not being able to create is really taking a hit on me as it is a skill I need to develop as a future leader of this world. A good leader knows when to follow (listen and understand others as a leaders) and when to "lead"(take charge and create). And I would say that everyone in this world should be able to follow and lead within the contexts of common sense and the principle of oness and equality because if one develops these skills we can as society begin to create a world of equality and life in the physical.

As is with every action one takes the starting point will determine the intent of the action. And an effective follower/leader needs to have starting point of that which is best for all within the contexts of the physical existence. That is of course taking this into a big scale reflecting the world- but lets bring it back to the individual level which is me in this case.

I don't know how to lead/create- meaning I am unsure of myself as a leader/creator because I have not developed that AS a skill of self expression.  So I am exploring creativity into the context of being able to incorporate other's ideas and at the same time when I sit down to create something to make sure that it comes from within me.

My problem is that when I sit down to create something I begin to think in depth by bringing everyone else's ideas so to speak and then not having any of my own. I literally get stuck at that point and can't move on beyond it.

Saturday, March 8, 2014

Day68- Update On Cats

For reference read Day 51- Letting Go of My Cats and Day 52- Cat's Self Forgiveness.

I have been looking for a new home for my two cats for about 4 months now and no one was responding. The shelter that got recommended to me was full was I was not able to give them there.
A couple of days ago posted an add on craigslist after overcoming my hidden fear/perception that craigslist was an evil place because of stories and just the basic set up around craigslist. It felt insecure to me. The point I had to see was that craigslist is a resource and I simply need to be wary of whomever I am communicating with just as any other place would be. So I took a deep breath and posted the add for the two cats and I was not expecting anyone to contact me.

Yesterday I was relaxing with my son- I was taking a short nap when I received a phone call from a person in the area that was interested in Simba.
Everything happened so fast- first I was excited that someone finally contacted me, then I was nervous because I did not know who this person is.
He came over and we spoke briefly about the cat. I explained to him all the information he needs to know. I asked him a few questions regarding the living conditions, why he was looking for a cat and so on. He agreed to take Simba. I quickly gave him some cans of food and dry food to start off with. My husband parted with Simba and I brought him in the carrier (I let the guy borrow it because he did not have one with him). I placed him in the car. At that point Simba was freaking out cause he was in the carrier outside and did not know what was happening. I placed the carrier in the car and gave him a kiss and said "It's Ok Simba, I will see you.....(and then it hit me) NEVER". As as soon as the word "never" came out I began to tear up. The guy said he will take good care of him. I said bye to the guy- he asked if I wanted the carrier back tonight. I told him yes, he just needs to ring the door bell. I ran inside and began to cry. My husband gave me a hug. I was Ok the rest of the night until I went to bed and started to think about Simba.

So here I was experiencing some sadness based on memories I've had with Simba- times came up where he would lay on me and purr, or I would play with him with the laser, or how he would jump on my leg and so I had to take in deep breaths and really let him go this time, let go of the emotional charge these memories were holding and simply be grateful that I had him in my life for the time he was in my life. Also to trust that he will be Ok with his new caregivers and that he will create the same joy as he did with me.

And finally there was also a relieve within me as I was previously stressing out about having to find him a home and not being able to be with him as much as I should be because of the room separation requirement.

Well, now still looking homes for Abby.

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Day 67- Fear of Pain

Continuing from my blog yesterday- Day 66- Fear of Drowning

So I was investigating a couple of points yesterday and today I want to focus on the fear point.

After listening to the EQAFE interview Death Research Burning Alive Part 1 which was described as a pretty painful experience I figured out that what I am afraid of is the process of the physical pain. I don't have a fear of dying but rather what I will experience in the process of dying. As mentioned in the interview- one really has no idea what that experience will be, not until it actually occurs in physical reality.

The being/awareness in the interview goes on to explain that we have not felt actual real physical pain in the sense that our minds are like filters and interpret what pain is like because there is a disconnect between our awareness and the physical body. I'm not saying that we don't feel physical pain- but we do feel it like an end result- we never feel the process of this pain in detail- it's always- oh my head hurts for example, but we cannot look at what is physically involved within our body going through the pain of a headache, what is going on internally. That is where the disconnect is and what the mind is filtering and in that as a third party interpret how we experience the pain as an end result.

If it wasn't for the mind filter interpretation we would be able to be aware of our physical body to very smallest molecule and it's movement through our awareness and the blood flowing in each breath and basically the entirety of our physical body and how it moves in every moment of breath. So our awareness and body would be one and equal, however because of the mind we experience ourselves separate from the body, it's like a lock. That is why breathing is a key element sort of, in a way breeching through the mind lock and becoming aware of our physical body and physical environment.

So, being afraid of the physical process of dying. I think there is a reason why it is particular to being suffocated/drowned (but I am not going to investigate this point at this moment).
Could it be that this fear is a mind defense mechanism to NOT allow my awareness to continue expanding and breaking through the mind? As long as I fear experiencing/becoming one with the physical (even if it is in the form of pain) I will not allow myself to actually move in my process towards becoming one and equal to the physical.  Cleaver, cleaver...

This is an interesting point to look at from a different perspective as well- as I hate experiencing/feeling pain with the mind interpretation. I tend to become whiney and victimize myself because I am "not feeling well" and the discomfort is irritating.

Well in common sense I have to say that I must let go of the fear point of becoming the physical and feeling the physical- in pain or in pleasure.

To be continued...

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Day 66- Fear of Drowning

So I was listening to the EQAFE interviews (I listen to one or two every morning on my way to work) called Death Research Drowning Part 1 and Part 2- I highly recommend hearing it out as it gives a perspective of what happens when we die. And they are also FREE.

So I found this interview supporting and interesting because at some point of my early childhood I developed this subconscious fear of what if I died drowning. I cannot recall the time and why this became a point of fear exactly- however I have had many dreams where I would almost die of drowning. And I guess it is not a physical fear I have because I am not afraid of swimming- however I am aware that I am not able to hold my breath for a long time. I have tried holding it under water and not under water, and then when it reaches the point to where I need to take in breath I experience OBVIOUSLY this urge to take in breath...but I know that if I was under water that I will not be able to take in that breath and thus I will die. And my fear is the process I will experience while drowning- so it has become a subconscious fear.

So today I listened to the interview where the being was describing their experience of their physical body shutting down as well as their mind shutting down and what was left was their awareness and the single one memory that defined their whole life which at the end ended up disintegrating as their mind shut down and died. Two points arose within me:

ONE- listening to the process of dying wanted me to just take in deep breathes. As I came out of my car and walked to work- I was just so glad that I am able to take in that breath of air. It was strange how content I was taking in those breaths and being completely aware of them in that particular moment.

Then I went off to work- so I was occupied with work related stuff- but when I was driving back home from work I able to reflect more on the interview. The being was talking about how sad it was that out of her whole life in the physical- all she was able to take and be defined by was this one memory that she wanted to hold on to and it was not even of herself- it was of some random happy couple she saw down the street one day- and she goes on to explain why she had that particular memory, but basically that is all she had to show for herself in the duration of her life in the physical and the realization that she never actually lived and cared or was aware for/of her physical body. And that if she could go back she will do it differently because she realized she had taken her physical existence for granted and that is something we all are doing because we don't have the ability to see beyond with the eyes of the mind (which is integrated/infused with our physical eyes). I mean if we were able to see what is here physically from an interdimensional perspective we would see/realize and understand the damage we are doing to the physical bodies and physical existence in the name of the MIND.

So TWO, I asked myself what kind of mind activity/memory preoccupies me to the depths of myself that is not allowing me to actually live but is holding me back? What kind of activity/memory do I allow to keep me locked? And for that I need to dig deeper within myself because it will not be something obvious- since that would be on a deeper level- maybe even on a unconscious level.

Aside from that I will have to look at the fear of drowning/suffocation.

Monday, March 3, 2014

Day 65- If I Could Change My Past

Today I listened to a youtube video If we're only memories in our own Minds- do we Live?
It was of great support to show that in my process I simply need to make the decision for self change- to no longer be these memories of my mind but rather create myself effectively here in present time and live in self discipline and self expression breath by breath.

Yesterday I was laying down in bed and some old memories surfaced to my mind and I began to evaluate them and I realized that I've done some stupid things in the name of love (the memories that surfaced were how/who I was in relation to my past relationship with men) and how I would have handled things differently if I had been in the Desteni process back then.
The main point that I looked at is how I would NOT have self sabotaged myself, my expression, life for relationships that were created ineffectively- and I would have taken responsibility to handle things with stability/common sense (that which works in the best interest in the common good) and not based on emotions/feelings (that which is self interest and often does not align in the common good).

Not only that but I would have been able to see why/where/how those relationship originated from a mind relation point and the course of their development based on emotion/feelings. I would have seen/realized and understood why those men were who they were in relation to our relationship and seen why they behaved/acted the way they did and how my emotion/feelings reflected on their behavior/action that created unsupportive relationships. So in that I am not placing the blame on the men, but rather evaluating who I was in relation to the men.

And then today I listened to the video and realized that I may not have seen this in the past, but I sure am able to see it now- walking the Desteni process and I can use the above memories as self reflection assistance-which is cool. In that I am focusing on my current relationship- not only with my husband but also with my family, my family in law and other people and who I am in relation to those relationships.
And I am proud to say that who I am at this very moment and how I am working with myself and others to create myself/effective relationships is my self discipline and self expression breath by breath. And yes it is thanks to Desteni process/principe and group support that I have been able to step out of who I was before to how I have created/transformed myself thus far and continue everyday because the mind is multidimensional with many layers to peel off.

Thus I am grateful for the people who are around me and I am grateful for Desteni- to have support in my world to work on my process and to also assist others in their process as long as they are willing to hear/see/realize of course.

So, if I could change my past=I am actually changing my past by the way I create myself in the present here.

It is actually quiet cool to develop the skill/ability to read/investigate my mind/feelings/emotions/energy charges/reactions, to be able to notice the subtle mind shifts and how that affects my behavior/actions and who I become, to be able to forgive myself for accepting and allowing to become my mind/feelings/emotions/energy charges/reactions and to move myself to self corrective application and self commitment which when applied in physical time/space in fact brings stability, common sense and gives the opportunity for self expression, self movement and self direction- which then gives the opportunity to create oneself effectively in the present here. And all it takes is self will to open one's eyes- and there is no going back. Now that is POWER.

Saturday, March 1, 2014

Day 64- Internal Self and External Environment

The past few weeks I have been experiencing myself very irritable with my immediate environment, people, space, housework and having the feeling that everything is just "upside down" around me and it has been making me feel overwhelmed because I am experiencing a resistance to writing and doing anything in general.

A recent Desteni group chat assisted me in seeing the point in the relationship between internal (self) and external (immediate environment). Which is that to change the external one must change the internal, and that the external simply reflects the internal because if one looks at this point they will see that in away we create our external by the way we behave and direct ourselves within the immediate environment. Thus things that are within our power to change is ourselves internally and that will show in our external environment.
However what I also learned in the Desteni group chat regarding the external/internal relationship is that one has the power to create something in their immediate environment that will also assist with the ones internal process of self change.

The problem arises when all my mind seeks is to blame my external environment for the way I feel internally. Then I realize that I have given my self power to my mind (feelings/emotions) to direct how I internally react to my immediate environment and in that how my immediate environment is validated to what I am experiencing internally in reflecting back at me. And so it begins to cycle, until I put a stop to it.

So what I should do is look at my immediate environment and see where I can make it supportive to my internal process-such as setting up time for writing, yoga, homework, work related stuff, chats, internet time, DIP, ratings, reading other blogs, house work, Victor time, James time, other's time and Me time.
I have been allowing my days to be disorganized without having a specific plan I set for myself to move me through my day to complete and enjoy myself in everything that I do.  And the result has been suppression and pressure from things pilling up- because I do not carry out what I am willing to do internally into my external and actually physically doing it/applying it. And I noticed that the blame for this suppression and pressure was directed towards my external environment in how I have been feeling irritated.
I got up this morning and I had a blank on what to do with my time. When in the back of my head all these things that needed to be done were sitting-suppressed because I did not want to be bothered with anything. Thus my day was not very productive in how I could have planned it.

I realize that it is my responsibility to move myself and I commit myself to look at my internal and external in seeing what is supportive and what is not. I need to probably begin with a schedule for myself so that I don't allow to slack off or "forget". Then that would be an external support for my internal process because it will be physically here for me to look at and stick to. When I keep it in my mind I tend to not want to physically do it.

I will be creating a general schedule for myself reflecting my immediate environment and will share it when finished.