Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Day 77- "It's Not Fair!"

I am going to be opening up the point of when I experience as something not being fair according to my perception and how something I perceive as unfair makes me feel (within the individual picture) and then within the large picture asking the question "Is anything really fair in the way we have set up this world?"

My definition of fair is something that is supposed to be equal in it's distribution between people. And that would sound like a reasonable definition only the problem with that definition is that I am seeing things from my perception/mind ONLY of what that distribution should be based on my standing within the "equation" which is not necessarily fair once everyone is placed into the equation as a whole simply because without investigating what fair would be considering everyone I would not know what fair really is. The investigation itself takes one to see all points of views to establish what one would call fair/equal distribution. When when looking fair from my perception/mind can and most likely will be egoistic.

There are two examples that come within me:
1. That of a child who is unable to yet see/realize that others experience feelings just the same way that the child does and only complains or cries when something happens to them in which case they would say "that is not fair"- meaning that is not fair to ME because I feel uncomfortable.

2. Some time ago I walked the point of sharing chores in the household and I used to get mad when I felt I was the only one cleaning. I had the expectation that we can all distribute the chores equally (and equally meant the chore itself). At the time I had not considered the person's time and ability/availability to perform the task/chore. I used to say that "if I can do it- so can everybody else". There used to be a huge backchat and I would suppress it/internalize it until it accumulated and I blew up either in crying or yelling at the others in the household for not being part of a team. And I had to realize that each accept responsibility for themselves- thus 1. I cannot make other accept the responsibility, and 2. I had to become considerate of the others ability/availability. Thus I would say "it's not fair"

The phrase "it's not fair" is something that comes up within me a lot, however now it is not so obvious for me to see, because once I've walked the obvious points it goes deeper to points that I have to investigate further to realize that the origin point of them was that feeling of something being unfair to my perception/liking.

So how does this ultimately affect me as a reaction. I experience this in the form of inner anger. I have to remind myself that my mind system I've programmed myself to internalize and suppress. So I appear quiet, like everything is OK until it builds up in my backchat/reactions and it comes out in crying or yelling/defending my right/ego.

So I can look at this point on individual level of what happens personally to me in my life, as well as on a collective level of the world system where I would see something for example, like animal abuse, rape, murder, war as being unfair- not realizing that in reality the actual world system is designed to be unfair/unjust which is a reflection of our inner unfairness/justifications/excuses (MINDS)  simply projected onto the world as a whole. Which is why we are equal participants to creating unfairness on the first place and then we go on and complain about it only when something personal touches our lives that we see as unfair because that is how it makes ME feel.

To be continued...

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Day 76- Arranging My Environment to Better Manage My Time

This is a continuation of the previous two blogs- Day 75- Time Management Self Forgiveness and Day 74-Time Management: Responsibilities and Resistances 

Today I am addressing a point that has to do with my environment and how I manage my time. When looking the point of time management and having resistances to doing certain activities one of the main point that came up within me was "I don't have the right environment" or at least the way I would enjoy it being set up so that I can be comfortable, relaxed and practical within what I am doing.

I looked at the point some time ago and realized that I did not enjoy myself doing certain activities because I no longer had "my space", "my time". Space and Time changed when I had Victor and moved in with my in laws. I no longer had my room to myself, my little office space I had set up for myself or the vast amount of "Me time". As time pasted certain activities I was looking forward to before became non motivational to me and instead of seeing how I can go about making a solution about it I allowed it to fall out of my life and to become part of my mind- which is where as I mentioned in the previous blog I began to think about how I will do those activities but I did not put the physical effort. This is especially true about my writing as it has diminished over the last 2.5 years (since Victor and me moving over to my in-laws). I was much more active within my process before and I have noticed how I have not been pleased with myself through the time of me becoming dormant within my process because of how I perceived my time management. In fact, this part of not being pleased with myself is the direct result of not being active in my process as I would like to practically be which is why I have been experiencing the self irritation and then allowing myself to take in on others in my life.

So here I am walking the solution to manage my time with the assistance of setting up my environment so within working with what I got here.
In oder to have my quiet time with no distractions which usually happen when others within the household are around me, I am setting up a mini area just for me where I can read, write and do work. For the moment this area is my bed for reading and writing- and the downstairs table for work related stuff because that involves more tools. This is temporarily as we are busy setting up a room for my husband and I and Victor where it can be an office space and mini living room.

I realize that I got limited space and time thus I must make the most practical set up based on it without getting upset which has been part of my self unsatisfaction within my process.

So within process one must work on both the inside and outside. Today I commit myself on working on my inside- which is pushing through the resistances and the outside which is working on making a comfortable, practical environment for myself to do the required physical work.

I commit myself to when I see that I am falling into resistance from doing a certain activity to recall to myself that "I am experiencing the resistance because it involves physical work and effort and my mind rather just think about it than do it- and nothing gets done by thinking, I don't progress in my process with thinking. I progress with work and application.

I commit to look into my current environment and see where I can create a relaxed, comfortable and practical stop for me to do the activities.

Within this I am the directive principle in Day 60- Stabilizing My World with things that ARE in my control.

Saturday, September 6, 2014

Day 75- Time Management Self Forgiveness

Continuing from previous blog Day 74- Time Management: Responsibilities and Resistances 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow through with resistance towards certain activities that involve physical doing- activities that I may not enjoy or do enjoy but say I don't have time to do them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to remain in my mind in only thinking about how I will/should do something but then don't put the physical effort to do it- within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get upset and react towards my "not doing the activity" but remaining in my head which has had the outcome of getting me irritated which I then take on others around me with an attitude as if everyone is bothering me to do something for them, when I have not done my responsibility/my part within walking my process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others around me for not being able to manage my time effectively, within this I realize that I am solely responsible for my actions and thus it is no one else's fault that I have not been effective at managing my time.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing to push myself through times where I have resistance towards certain activities making excuses that I will do it later, or now it is not the right time- just so that I can get away from doing the certain activity- within this I forgive myself for NOT realizing that it is those times of resistance that I experience that I fuck myself over in my process- those special points where my mind will talk me out of doing something I have found to be an important point within process and by talking myself out of it I don't progress forward to establishing self discipline, living and applying myself in real physical time.

I forgive myself for NOT allowing myself to realize that it is the physical application of myself in the activities that will provide practice and support and opening up to other points, thus all I have to do is "JUST DO IT" and not ponder on when I am going to start.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make the START of an activity so hard, when in reality it is very easy- it simply requires to stand up and do it. For example with writing- instead of thinking about how I am going to be writing, where I will be more comfortable to do it LATER...and so on I should just sit down and start on writing and see what opens up in that moment.

I now realize how easy it is to start something and that all this time my procrastination, avoidance has been an illusion of my mind to prevent me/ talk me out from moving forward- there is no need to drag anything around- there is simply doing it.

Once I get my starting point straight- it will clear up the actual time management that reflects on physical requirement.