Friday, October 31, 2014

Day 81- Correcting My Parent Behavior (Part 1)

Continuing from Day 80- I Am The "Bad" Parent/Teacher

Here I will be doing Self Forgiveness Part 1 on the my previous blog writing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to Victor's screaming as that I approach him with the initial expectation that he will scream based on a pattern that I have allowed to be created in his screaming and my reaction and vise versa my reaction to his screaming.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let the irritation/anger reaction get to me even though in the back of myself I know that I should be stopping myself and that is NOT what I want to do about the situation but I am allowing myself to be already in motion of the charge of reaction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to escalate the reaction on a physical level where I would yell out at him to stop, or use force to do what I wanted him to do to which he refused and gave me resistance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the emotional charge of the irritation/frustration/anger at him to transform into a backchat of spanking him because I don't know how to handle the situation I am faced with and that I created for myself thus the reaction is that of overpowering him with words and because that does not work I start to have thoughts of spanking him as a final solution in my mind- which then I suppress because I don't act out on it and within me is like an inner battle of guilt for having such thoughts when I am aware that this is not the way to teach/model or make effective solutions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself not to realize that even though I don't act upon my back chat of sapnking him by suppressing the emotion/thoughts I actually take it out on him emotionally through my voice, way of movement, and choice of words towards him- where the words/tonality become about power/control (because I asked you to do it and you have to) rather than explaining and giving him common sense reasons to what I ask him to do (which I start off with but it quickly stops after the irritation towards his tantrum starts).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to make this into a pattern which is something I've thought about when being aware of how one can create a pattern or action/reaction however the way I had approach the though was from the starting point of fear of creating a pattern and behold- that is what I had started to create through allowing myself to react to his tantrums.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow the creation of his tantrum instead of seeing/investigating a method that would work towards stopping tantrums instead of emphasizing/provoking them further.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for perceiving discipline as “not allowing him to get his way” and doing anything possible in my immediate “power” to make sure that he does not get his way which indicates to me that my starting point in asking him to do something has to do with control of the parent/child relationship instead of common sense and treating my child as an equal being (meaning no power relationship).

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing to realize that the control/power type of approach I have been using with him is actually a fear point within myself that my child will not be disciplined and follow directions. I see that as a teacher it is very important for the students to follow directions in the classroom and based on the experience I have had with certain children in my teaching years I have built a wall/expectation of what I should do in order to prevent my son from being undisciplined as how I perceive those children in my classroom to be. Within this I forgive for accepting my reaction of fear and the very first experience towards a child who I was as “out of control” that must be put back “in control” and the only way I knew what to do at the time was react towards the child's tantrum in anger/frustration and built the point of blaming the parent for not disciplining their child to behave thus I accepted the role of the fixer-upper of children with behavior issues, not realizing that I as a parent am creating such a point behavior by reacting to an experience I have allowed to define the word/action of discipline.

Thursday, October 30, 2014

Day 80- I Am The "Bad" Parent/Teacher

This is continuing from Day 78- The Adult Tantrum

In this blog I will be touching the point of my adult tantrum when it comes to my 2 year 7 month old
son and my perception of what discipline is and how I will be correcting my behavior towards him.

"I ask my son to do something, he refuses- throws a fit (screaming). The screaming itself really irritates me- I feel it in my solar plexus. I want it to stop. First, I tell him nicely but he does not listen, which escalates my irritation- Second, I raise my voice. That does not help. Third, I get physical (force him to do what I asked him to do). He is wiggling around "fighting" me back screaming harder. Next my head is rushing with what to do next to make him stop screaming (thoughts are coming through my mind of spanking him to make him stop). But I don't do it I suppress it in and then I feel guilty for having those thoughts because I know that is not the way to do it as it does not set up a good example for the child and it only shows that hitting is Ok which then contradicts what I am trying to teach him/model for him (that hitting is not Ok).
My body is warm, I'm feeling angry until I get him to do what I wanted then we both relax a little but I still feel heaviness in my solar plexus. This time I want to tell him that I don't like what he is doing, how he is screaming so I use a high voice (coming from a reaction)- I feel it comes from anger that he refused to listen to what I asked him to do. It can be something as simple as me asking him to put on a jacket because it is cold outside. I've explained to him why he has to put it on but he is still refusing".
This reaction/feeling began before my son was born.
I worked in a day care with toddlers and some of them were having tantrums or hitting other children. As I recall it was then that I built this way of responding to the children who did not listen to me. I remember for the first time then having a hard time with a child in general. The first weeks were detrimental (with one child in particular who is what I would refer to as a “bully”, “getting in trouble”, “defiant”). I recall writing a blog about it saying that this job is supposed to show me something in my process- but instead I allowed it to built a reaction within me when it came to children who would refuse my directions and I did not know how to handle them. So as a "natural/programmed" reaction to their behavior I became defensive. 
I started to say/believe that children as such must be disciplined and my definition of discipline became to not allow them to have/get their way (especially during a tantrum or whining) because that to me showed that they will start walking “over me” for anything else they wanted to do. 
I questioned my way of approach but I did not know what other method I can use. My approach was effective to a certain extent but it did not prevent the behavior to stop overall or bring an understanding to the child to why their behavior is not acceptable, or nor did I look into why they were having this behavior on the first place and from there target my approach. That is because I was reacting.
So when my son was born I said to myself that I will do everything to make sure he is disciplined in doing what is right and that I will not allow him to get his way during tantrums. But I did not realize that until recently that I was also experiencing and participating in a tantrum through my way of approach- the adult tantrum.
Now that I work in pre-k I've come across some children with bad behavior/manners which played as a confirmation in my mind that this behavior is caused by bad parenting, by allowing the child to get their way which equals not being disciplined (students 3-5 who refuse to follow the teacher's directions and have a hard time participating in teacher guided/structured activities). And as my son is growing up- he started with screaming first, and now with saying “NO” to things I ask him to do- which in my head I make a connection to those children at my work and it only makes my goal of not allowing my son to get his way stronger because I don't want him to turn into one of THOSE children (I don't want to be the bad parent who did not discipline their child to behave, to be able to follow instructions/directions without any problems).
Here are some of the problems I have with my son that will cause a tantrum (mild or full blown).
-asking him to use the toilet
-sucking his thumb
-leaving my mom's/her husband (when I pick him up)
-taking a shower (he is Ok with washing in the sink- but put him under the shower and he screams)
-putting on a jacket and/or a hat
-not picking him up when he wants to
-not getting something that he is determined to get (not anything in particular, it can be a toy, food...)
-not wanting the clothes I am putting on him
-telling him how to behave in public places
-leaving the park
-leaving any place that he does not want to leave in that particular moment
-fighting me to place him in the car seat when he does not want to get in

And I have recently started to get notes from teachers in the day care saying that he is has moments where he will not play nice and start to hit and pull the hair of other children. So to me this is like my FEAR coming true- My child is not behaving good at school and as a teacher and a parent that is NOT OK.
So in the next blog I will begin SF on this topic to clear out the origin of my reaction and look into supportive ways of approaching my son and my students at work.

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Day 79- "LUCY" Review: Desteni Perspective

I recently watched the movie LUCY and I found it very interesting.  (SPOLER ALERT)

What I found interesting/fascinating is that it gave me a perspective on what we refer to in Desteni terms to be ALIVE (birth into the physical), feel/see/access the physical existence from a dimensional perspective, feel/communicate with each cell in the body as a whole and how to connect within the existence as a whole, look at/feel/access memories as data without the thoughts/emotions/feelings but simply be/live that memory as what it was in that moment it was being created/lived.

In the movie Lucy was able to access more than 10% of her brain due to a drug that entered her body (based on the circumstances on the movie plot). Her body reacted to the drug which was in a huge quantity and opened up her brain access to 20% which allowed her to take control of her body as well as begin to see the physical existence not as a picture presentation in her mind but the actual movement and sound of the physical. As she opened up her brain access to 30%-100% she walked a process of what she called "dehumanizing" because she was not experiencing "human" emotions/thoughts/feelings but was actually beginning to see what really matters in the world and that the world is ALIVE and humans have limited understanding and access to seeing/feeling the physical existence/world. When she reaches 100% she ends up vanishing/merging into LIFE itself.

My interpretation in the movie was that the drug released her mind/filter from limiting her which allowed her access to see the physical expression for what it is. I liked that they referred to the evolution of mankind and that she was able to collect data by going "back in time" to the very first cell that emerged as the expression of life.

It was cool because it gave me a perspective in what we speak of in Desteni and gave a meaning/understanding to me of what it means to be ALIVE as referenced in Desteni. Of course we don't need a drug to open up our brain or vanish into existence- but the base point here is that AS we work on removing the veil of the mind that is limiting us from seeing/living/being one and equal to the physical existence through facing ourselves WE are actually walking a process of "accessing more than 10% of our brains"(movie reference). And that we are actually capable of becoming ALIVE, but it will take a physical process: internal (letting go of the illusion in the mind) and external (creating an environment that is best for all- LIG)

Destonian Wiki
DIP Lite Course

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Day 78- The Adult Tantrum

Continuing from the previous blog ay 77- "It's Not Fair"

We often refer to young children having a tantrum (crying, screaming, kicking, laying on the floor..). From an adult perspective this happens because the child does not yet know how to communicate what he wants, why he wants it, or understand why they cannot have something at that particular moment. It is also viewed as a way to express one's feeling and emotions because they don't yet understand what those are.

In my last blog I wrote about how I feel/experience unfairness from a personal point of view and how I essentially feel "attacked" when something is being done unfairly to me (from my perception/mind).
And within the feeling of being "attacked" I go on the defense. That may appear to be internalized or in me getting emotional and start to cry.
So this is basically an adult tantrum.  The tantrum is how the adult reacts within the emotions and feelings by not investigating why one would feel this way on the first place, by not communicating but internalizing or communicating in a rude/defensive manner. So do we really grow out of the tantrum stage?

Not until we learn how to handle feelings/emotions, what they really are, how we came to program certain reaction within ourselves, how to investigate and clear them up so that we no longer go into the adult tantrum but handle situations with common sense understanding/seeing and realization.

Common adult emotions include but not limited to: jealousy, anger, envy (which is the negative charge)...resulting in the physical reaction of-screaming, yelling, becoming aggressive, crying, back chatting, inability to communicate without reacting.
And of course to counter the emotions we have the surge of feelings- happy, blissful...(which is the positive charge), and when the "happy", "blissful" charge ends we go right into the negative. And so we go on within our "lives" from positive to negative, negative to positive.
And when we fall into the negative we say "It's not fair".

Study and Investigate Desteni and EQAFE store to reeducate oneself to how to investigate feelings and emotions, how to stop the cycle of polarity and build oneself as a stable human being, because this is how we will truly become responsible and learn how to to what is best for all.

To be continued (taking this point of "it's unfair" to a personal point I need to walk so that I stop my adult tantrum one step at the time).