Saturday, January 31, 2015

Day 93- "Complete" Family (Part 5)

Continuing from previous blog Day 92- Age and Time (Part 4)

5. My son will have a sibling to play with:

In the beginning I wrote that the decision to birth my son was to bring up and support another life in the physical. Which in my perspective is a self honest decision to decide to have a child. It means that I have accepted the responsibility and consideration for another life. But when it came to deciding on a second child- my 5th reason was so that my son will have a sibling, someone to play with. This sounds more like I am getting my son a toy to play with rather accepting the responsibility and my ability to give another life the opportunity to grow in the physical.
Within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to treat a second child as something my son can play with rather an equal and one life just like my son where the two can enjoy each other and grow together in equal support.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT consider the personality design clashes when it comes to the mind of my son and the second child- that having a dishonest starting point of bringing a second child (as a “toy” for my son to play with) will backfire in the development of my son and a sibling (meaning they will not get along).
Thus, I commit myself that in the case of me deciding on a second child the starting point has to be equal and one to the starting point of deciding to have my son- giving the opportunity for life in the physical and me accepting the responsibility and consideration for another life, human being. And in that I realize that we all walk our individual process in relation to each other/one thus along the way in return my son is showing/teaching me how to be a responsible human being within the reflection of our mind designs. And with the decision of a second child it will be exactly the same as my decision for my son.

6. Making the grandparents happy:

I actually think this one is self created as because in my mind I think that I am somehow obligated to have 2 children (as my mom has had, as my husband's mom has had) and this is something that will make them happy. Well of course that it will make them happy to have another grandchild, if I decide to have one, but I have turned this into a reason as to why I should have a second child disregarding the physical reality to having a second child- which is basically what I have been talking about so far in the other points.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the “grandparents” as an excuse to justify why I should have a second child- not considering my reality and ability and starting point.
Within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to first create the idea and to second allow myself to think that I should have a second child just so that I please someone else.

Friday, January 30, 2015

Day 92- Age and Time (Part 4)

3. I'm getting old.

I am already 32 years old. If I wait any longer based on physical changes my body is going through as I get older it puts me and another baby at risk as research shows more complicated pregnancies as well as baby development. Depending of the financial situation and the process of stabilizing the point and how long that may take- I may be 35 or older. At that point I am entering the danger zone to having babies thus it is uncertain how my physical body will handle another pregnancy. So practically, the time for a second one is pretty much now (within the next 2 years) or never. There is nothing more I need to address on this point.

4. Child Time vs Personal Time

I noticed that my time management since my son was born has been distorted as I need to invest time with my son and it's not just me anymore. There is another being to be taken care of and that is depended on me.
What happened is that I was not letting go and practically seeing how I need to adjust my time to include my son. I recall starting my Masters Degree before getting pregnant. And I had a priority shift in my time. Anything I was doing with Desteni (writing, blogging/vlogging started falling apart because I could not stand in stability). I used to “blame” it on school, then being pregnant and then on having to prioritize time for my son. It was always something outside of me. My husband had his role in this too, as I was in a place in my process where I had to understand and walk process independency in relation to my husband. The other point was me using comparison points to other people's processes in Desteni-thus I saw myself inferior and got discouraged and placed myself blaming the environment for “falling” in my process. As a result/consequence- irritation/ feeling stagnant is still building at certain moments.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my environment for failing to keep consistent and practical with my process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play out the reactions of irritations and self pity as a reflection in my environment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself NOT to see/realize/understand that what's happening in my environment is through allowance and acceptance of what's happening within me and vise versa (as above, so below-as within, so without).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT see/realize/understand how to move myself practically through changes in my physical environment and instead falling into a state of being stagnant, stuck, cant' breath, move the consequences of not moving is that everything piles on top of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare my process to other's process and in result seeing myself as inferior, as I am not doing enough, and within that fulfilling this into reality and blaming reality/environment as the cause for my inferiority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT see/realize /understand that in the process of me feeling irritated, inferior, stagnant- the behavior in terms projects and affects my son and my husband and everyone around me. Thus I am not effective to stand as an example of self honesty, integrity, trust, respect, equality because I am not living by principle and what I am showing to myself and others is how to validate reactions.

I commit myself to when I experience myself stagnant, overwhelmed to accept it as a responsibility to not blame my environment but to see how to find a practical solution. What this implies is that I stop comparing my process to others and see how I can be effective in managing my time based on my physical reality. Thus I commit myself to see/write organize a way to where I can apply myself based on my daily responsibilities to myself, my son and my husband and those around me.
I commit myself to stop wasting my time imagining in what I should do and actually do it in fact.

I also see/realize and understand that I create my external environment to a certain degree within what is in my immediate “power”/self-directive principle. Thus I commit myself to work towards creating an environment that will be supportive to my internal process to match my external process.

So time management as how I have been accepting and allowing it to exists within me is not a valid reason for NOT having a second child. Rather I require to assess my adjustment to time management with my son now and from there see if it will be practical to have a second child and if the choice for a second child is made for that time management to be adjusted accordingly.

Monday, January 26, 2015

Day- 91 Pregnancy Financial Responsibility (Part 3)

2. Money for another baby.

This one is a more valid reason, however I am looking at this from the perspective of having nice things rather than looking this from the perspective of do I actually have enough to invest money for the physical security of another baby.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value on money as a luxury items instead of the possibility of another life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to chose self interest as a justification to why I should not have another child and spend-invest the money (if available) into the bringing up and support of another life.

So here it is to take into consideration that money are simply a tool, means of supporting oneself in the physical reality and the same way I support me, I should be able to support another life. Thus in reality if we look at our money situation we'd have to assess the totality our financial support vs debt. Of course one needs to consider living conditions from a practical perspective and within that setting up an effective environment for oneself and another. So from a financial perspective I'd say that my husband and I are still in the process of setting this environment, thus having another child at this time will be impractical. 

Friday, January 9, 2015

Day 90-My Mind Imprinting Physical Pain/Changes of Pregnancy Negatively (Part 2)

1. Experiencing the pain, uncomfortability of the physical process of pregnancy, labor, birth.
When I was pregnant with my son I experienced morning sickness, I could not stand the pain of labor, I did not enjoy the process of breast feeding (breast enlargement), pain, the choice of breast feeding or not, pumping, and possible body changes (even though with my son I got no stretch marks). So I imprinted this experience within me as a bad one and began to use it as a reason to never have another child again.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the experience of my physical body during and after pregnancy as a justification to the decision to not have a second baby.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view pregnancy as a negative experience as I link pain and discomfort to it without realizing how much my body does to change and adjust to go through pregnancy and it does so unconditionally to make way, prepare to support the birth of another being to ensure that the being will/is physically supported. Instead I complain about this process because it is painful, thus I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that pregnancy is hard work on my body because the physical takes time and change, hard work to create life- it's not magical in the sense that shit just happens but it needs to develop over time and it is always about a physical process. And even in pain one should consider the actual process the body invests over time to create life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my mind to take over the physical process of pregnancy, labor and attaching a negative polarity and dismissing all the hard work my body did. Instead I need to see this process as for the investment and dedication as my physical body goes through the changes and within that have an appreciation and respect for my physical body and that it is actually amazing how it functions in oness and equality to support life and birth in the physical reality.

Thus, I stop my judgments, justification and I release the imprint of pain I've been holding on to regarding the physical pain experienced during labor, birth, pregnancy as I embrace it as part of the physical work in supporting another life.

I've already been through it once and if I take a decision to have another baby, I commit myself to welcoming the changes my body will go through and embracing the pain that my physical body will go through in order to support the birth of another human being.