Saturday, February 28, 2015

Day 97- Living "Time"

This is part of the series Living Words.

I've written about time before- particularly when it comes to time management. My experience with time management is that I find myself overwhelmed with all these things I have to do and THINK I don't have enough time to do them. But it all comes down to how I manage my time of course, so it is not really about ALL those things I have to do but rather how I organize myself/time effectively so that I get to do everything on my list so to speak. Every time my failure is due to “feeling tired”, “I don't know where to start!”, “I'd rather be doing something else”, “I don't feel like doing this right now”. And every time I tend to have a good start and then go right back into the old way of letting my time just go by while I do what I feel like, or avoid doing things I should be doing. I think this fall back occurs because I see my time management (things I need to do) as a chore and my reward is “relaxing” (not doing anything that involves me directing, thinking, moving). So perhaps there is a connection between “chore” and “relax” within my mind as the two opposites of each other. And “relax” is me saying I feel overwhelmed right now so I need to do nothing.

So this leads me into how I want to live the word “Time” and that is with self direction. I want to be able to self direct me in relation to time. I want to spend my time effectively, practically when relaxing and when being active. (relaxing and chores will be words looked at individually as well).
First, I see that there is an energy connection to the word time that I have created within me which is why “time” seems like something that is either dragging or moving too fast depending/ in relation to the task- where thinking about the task and projecting emotions towards a particular task will have the effect of I want to do this now, or I don't want to do this now. And that is silly because in instances where I have just stopped myself from these emotional reactions I would just do the task and actually find something that I can enjoy while doing the task. But if I sit there and I contemplate on the task in relation to time I start to play out scenarios of how I cannot do this task now, or I'll do it later cause now it's not the And other times I anticipate my next task/activity that sounds funner and I will literally sit around doing “nothing” while waiting for the more fun task time to come.
So there is an aspect of slowing myself down, breathing and stopping thoughts that arise to talk me out of managing my time, directing me, moving me.

Here are some ways to sound out the word time.
When playing around/sounding the word “time” I see “I Am Me”, “Tie Me” “Dai Me” (from a Bulgarian perspective this translates to Give Me).

Redefinition: Time- Moments of life that I create/give me/myself in relation to the physical space within existence.

Friday, February 27, 2015

Day 96- Living Words (Intro)

I am starting a new series that will do with my process of redefining words. I'm calling Living Words.
This will be done from two different perspectives:
1- Seeing how I want to live specific words
2- Removing my reactions to specific words

What does it mean "living words"? This is something that at Desteni we refer to often and it actually takes some time playing around with words to grasp it.
In my realization a living word is something you want to live by, commit by, practice in your daily living- and it can only become a living word only if it is actually practiced- thus it takes a process of self direction and of investigating what words I want to bring to life for myself.
In the passed I've only looked at certain words that I had reactions to (in my previous blogs I have done a "Redefining Words" Section, such as the word "marriage", but now I am going to expand further into looking at the roots/sound of words and choosing how to practically apply words as living words.
I've written a list of words down to start off with, so as I move on I will be placing in my blog. 

Friday, February 20, 2015

Day 95- Positive/Negative Experience of the Idea of Having a Second Child (Part 7)

Continuing from Day 94- Fatherly Duties (Part 6)

8. The positive/negative feeling/experience of the idea of having a second child.

Positive: When seeing other women who have more than one child or are pregnant with a second child, I get this fuzzy feeling in my stomach area creating the desire to have another child (as if it will complete me/ or a set of a family- mother, father and two children).

Negative: when seeing other women that have more than one child or are pregnant with a second child, I get a jealousy feeling full of judgments/backchats-”I can't believe this person just had a second baby, what are they thinking? Everyone should have 1 child!”

I realize that those are polarity feelings that I use to justify my inner conflict on the decision of having or not having a second child. They are actually both judgmental experiences towards others and simply reflect my instability regarding the topic.

The polarity judgements/backchats are reflected in all the points I've walked so far in this writing about a second child and they really have nothing to do with those other mothers. In fact I know nothing about the decisions those other mothers have taken in order to have a second child and I am making things up in my mind to use as an excuse to justify my experiences regarding the topic of a second child.

Thus I commit myself to when I experience a positive or a negative reaction to seeing other mothers with more than one child to stop and go back to the points I have walked in my writing to remind myself the real reason for experiencing this polarity and bringing it back to self and the physical reality to my decision of whether I will have a second child or not.

I commit myself to pay close attention to see if I am not trying to suppress experiencing the polarity so that I am 100% clear.

Thus when looking/seeing other mothers with more than one child I will have no reactions towards myself and the other mothers but remind myself of what is practical for myself which should be the only factor relevant to the decision of a second child.

Sunday, February 15, 2015

Day 94- Fatherly Duties (Part 6)

7. Fatherly duties.

Initially I had lots of reactions and blame towards my husband when it came to my son, because he had assigned himself as a secondary caregiver which meant that I was the first caregiver of my son. Thus, the idea of having a second child and being the first caregiver for two was creating a lot of irritation within me and I made the decision that I will not have a second child as that would put more pressure on me- and the I played the pattern of “it's just not fair” through backchats and resentment towards my husband as if he was incapable of seeing when he should step in with my son. Thus, I saw our responsibility towards my son as not equal.
In a chat with Sunette one time I discussed the feeling of unfairness regarding the unequal responsibility of parenthood. She said that I've accepted the role based on the circumstances of my process and my husband's process and instead of looking at this as unfair I should look at it as being directive, thus when I see that I do need help to simply ask for it and “assign” the person with my son. What was even more important is my approach towards my husband and my son had to change. It is essential that my son be taken care of properly and be provided with the security and love as a growing human being that is equal to me. And if I've accepted this responsibility as a primary caregiver than I cannot be accepting reactions to direct me because that is what I'll be showing/mentoring to my son.
As far as my approach towards my husband it is also essential that I don't let reactions lead/direct me but rather be gentle and when needing help to just ask. As this will open up the way for him to realize and direct himself to becoming more involved with my son on the equal level that I have directed myself to accept responsibility to be here for my son in all levels as he is developing. Thus, this is not something to be forced on my husband but rather self realized in his process as he is observing how I express with my son.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play a victim and say “Oh, it's just not fair” instead of seeing/realizing that I initially accepted the primary responsibility when my son was born- as I stayed home with him and my husband was working thus in reality leaving me as the primary caretaker. And once I began work, again based on my circumstances within my occupation I still had the primary availability to be more with my son than my husband did.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the common sense/practicality within the situation but rather internally complaining about how unfair it is that I am doing more with my son than my husband it.
I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see/understand/realize that by complaining and reacting I'm only hurting myself and sequentially my son because if I continued reacting to my husband I'd be giving up my responsibility to my son- thus he will not be getting the proper care/raising he requires as a consequence to my reactions.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT take into consideration my husband's personal process and instead of assisting him with a considerate approach I would push him through my reactions which meant I was stopping him from realizing for himself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my perception of unfairness as a reason to not have a second child.
I commit myself to when I experience a moment of “unfairness” to stop, take a moment to breathe and diffuse the energy as I remind myself that I reaction is not what is best for me, my son or my husband, take a break and consider my physical environment as a starting point, looking at do I really need help right now and if I do to direct myself to inform my husband to step in.

Within this I commit myself that accepting primary responsibility does not have to be perceived as something negative, but it can rather become a point of enjoyment as I share moments of playing, teaching, learning with my son. And within those moments I can stand as an example for my husband to step up and equally enjoy such moments with my son.