Thursday, April 30, 2015

Day 105- Living "Student"

This is part of the series Living Words.

In life we are both students and teachers because every day we have the opportunity to learn something new as well as to teach someone something we know.
As a teacher I have grown a lot since the beginning of my studies to be a teacher and my practical application. And of course I am still in the process of leaning how to be an effective teacher and to learn I need to be a student and allow either someone else to teach me or learn from walking the process of teaching (self reflection/ self assessment/ seeing, realizing, understanding what it takes to be a teacher).

But when it comes to being a student at school/university I fly through my studies because I tend to get impatient to just get them done. That is how my first college years were. I was unsure of my goals and it felt like I was just wandering around in classes I saw myself with no purpose. That is probably due to the education system as a whole from Pre-k to our college years. Having no goal/purpose in your studies can cause one to not be motivated which we see with students in today's schools/universities. 
When I started my master's degree I saw that I had an actual purpose and I had an effective start to look at the process of my learning- but even though it was more hands on learning- it was still lacking the practical application. Only when I did my student teaching did I get a tiny taste as it was rushed/not long enough to submerge within it and emerge as a beginning teacher.
Recently I found out that I had to take another class to complete my ELL endorsement as well as a Target Language Test. The test is this Saturday. As a student I never enjoyed taking a test. The limit of time I had always felt like I had to rush so that I make sure I compete it all- so there was a lot of memorizing the material instead of actually learning it. Anyways- this is for another topic.
As soon as I found out I had to take another class I started to dislike the requirement as I thought I was finally done with classes (dead lines, endless research papers, writing rules and everything involved with me putting time aside for a class).
The class I need is called Linguistics and Society. It will be a summer class which means it will be more intense as it is taken in a shorter amount of time.
So want to give it another change. Lets see if this time I can focus on the process of this class and not the end result of finishing it. I want to be a student and allow myself to enjoy it. I want to actually see what this class has to offer so I am going to walk into the topic and find how it can be useful to me as a teacher.

Some ways to sound out the word student:
"stud" as a button decoration/support on a wall
Another word for student in other countries is "pupil" which has the same spelling as the pupil in an eye (the black part of your eye that enlarges and shrinks due to light to help you see).
So pupils/students are seers of their environment thus learning that which they see.


Redefinition: Student- a person who is here in a process of learning/ accepting/investigating to stand up as an example/role model based on presented information and practices how to practically apply it.

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Day 104- Living "Chores"

This is part of the series Living Words.

I've written about chores before from a few different perspectives.

Today I am looking at the word chores and how I want to live it. When someone says that something is a chore, it's very sound of the word makes me not to be motivated. My realization is that this seems to be integrated within me because of my experience with chores (on a subconscious level).
Chores=work=work I may not enjoy=I don't want to do it but within the physical reality it needs to be done.
Thus the way I want to live the word chore is not as something that is dreadful, negative in the sense from experience, but I want to transform the word chore to work I enjoy doing because I realize it is part of the physical reality. By definition "chore" is a routine task. It is part of a person's daily routine to make sure that we support ourselves within the physical world. So how can one complain about doing things that are self supportive? Depending on the chore- one will have to see what works best in how the chore is done and how often. Of course it has to fall within the physical time frame that one lives in. So chores can be a life style, apart of the daily routine. Chores can become fun tasks if one puts their attention/awareness into the task.
So I want to do the tasks/chores with self awareness.

Some ways to sound out the word "chore"....hum, I can't come up with any. If you have some comment below.


Redefinition: Chores- shared or not shared daily tasks/responsibilities that I do/perform with enjoyment to support myself and/or others within the physical world/shared environment/community.

Friday, April 24, 2015

Day 103- The "Dying" Dreams- A Desteni Interpretation/Perspecive

The following is part of my weekly chats from DIP with my buddy. It refers to a dream I had and the process of looking/interpreting at the dream from a Desteni perspective.
Background- I often have dreams where I am about to die. However I am able to stop my death by rewinding the scene and changing the outcome. But my outcome is always to hide or be scared, escape that/who is trying to kill me. So in my chat with my buddy (whose name will remain as "buddy" as requested) we opened up the point of my "death" in my dream as something I am not letting go of. 
Enjoy the chat.

Buddy: Ok what was the dream about?
Antoaneta: I was walking in Bulgaria (the path of when I used to walk to school and it was dark, I don't know what it looks like right now- but back then it was a huge open field that had a road through it that reached stairs with these tubes (very big and long). The tubes were for the hot water or heat that was being delivered to peoples apartments- I think, but these tubes also divided two neighborhoods. People knew that once they crossed over the tubes they were in the other neighborhood. I have a lot of memories walking to and from school day and night with friends or by myself. So, in my dream it was dark I was walking on the path and was nearing the tubes with the stairs that go over them. I reached on the stairs and on the opposite side it was even darker, like no lights anywhere so I got scared and I did not want to cross over so I headed back and it is a long walk (or at least it seemed like one when I was little). On my way back right before I decided I was going to go I was this car driving (mind you there was no road for cars on that path) so I found it strange, and I notice that once the car passed me it stopped and backed up. A guy got out and started to approach me. I could not make his face because it was dark, but he had long hair and the vibe of being into no good....lol
Buddy: lol
Antoaneta: He wanted to kill me, so next thing he is dragging me across the field in the dark and in my dream I'm like- NO! Im not going to die, so I reversed the scene where he was approaching me. Well I rewinded back to that scene and I was back at the stairs and I saw the car from afar- but it was like he already knew I was there so as usual in dreams like this I start to hide. I ran a couple of scenarios. One hide in the grass (since it was tall) and one hide where the tubes were. I tired both in the actual dream- but did not like the idea. So the guy never got me, but I never found the solution either because at that point I woke up....lol
Buddy: Ok so what is the point that stands out for you the most of this dream?
Antoaneta: The hiding part- that I tend to hide- even though I am able to reverse the point of me "dying". I don't stand up forward but I retreat, I don't find a solution.
Buddy: Exactly, I agree on that observation, plus you said you always hide in these situations in dreams.
Antoaneta: But in this dream was the first time I actually looked at a couple of ways to approach a solution but it was still in hiding. Second, what is trying to "kill me", what of myself is after me?
Buddy: Yes, and that's what I would see is a relevant point to look at, actually it is basics 'fear of death' as you are still not letting go.
Antoaneta: Mind?
Buddy: Yes
Antoaneta: That was one dark looking mind.... lol
Buddy: When I've dreamed people shooting me for example, in that moment it is an ok this is it last breath here we go, end, making peace with it. At least that leaves me with the 'well it's ok I die, and that's that'.
Antoaneta: Hum, Ive never looked at this way- to let go and “die”. Like I'm holding onto something.
Buddy: Yeah, it's still a holding on to something, which leads to fears which prompts you to hide. Yes, eeexactly!
Antoaneta: Hummmmm....:). The one time I did “die”- I woke up in sweats. I've told you before. It felt real.
Buddy: Yeah I know it is quite shocking to go through those dreams.
Antoaneta: I don't know why I chose to “die” in that one instance, but every other time I have stopped myself from dying, letting go.
Buddy: Yeah I would try that for a change. And like you said went into fear and hiding.
Buddy: See how from the point you see the guy: there is 'fear' of him having bad intentions. So in that moment there is still giving into a Fear.
Antoaneta: Yea.
Buddy: What fear is it in fact? That is something that you can look at.
Antoaneta: Isn't that the big question!...lol. Surviving?
Buddy: It is! So this is something that you can then write about self forgiveness on, you already got the layout here of the dream.
Antoaneta: Making it? I don't know-it must be subconscious.
Buddy: Well as you know fear of death in itself is the 'ultimate fear.'
Antoaneta: lol true!
Buddy: So 'how you act' in the face of death is what I suggest working on.
Antoaneta: Although maybe fear of a tortured death, not instant.
Buddy: Either/or, it's death.
Antoaneta: Perhaps the process of death itself.
Buddy: Yes, so holding on to something, which can be 'you' as Antoaneta anyways.
Antoaneta: Like a piece of who I think Antoaneta is? Remember Bernard when he said he had “died”? As Bernard, I mean.
Buddy: It is a good exercise to see what am I still holding on as these are our 'locking points' which doesn't mean you have to 'cut ties' no, simply stand clear as to who you really are and what you live now as Antoaneta, to not be eternally defined by it, which is in the end walking process in that self-honesty point. Yeah exactly! So, if you could in any way in that moment you absolutely feared dying, if there was anything that you saw in that split moment you would 'lose' or 'fear not experiencing' any longer- that would be a key to finding out what you are holding on to.
Antoaneta: I'll have to look into it. The question is what I fear the most? To face it and let it go.
Buddy: Yep, that would assist you. Or simply place yourself in that 'dream moment' and see if anything comes up - it may, it may not. Yes
Antoaneta: Easier said than done of course.
Buddy: Which can be one thing/person or 'your life' in its entirety. It can be let go through you identifying why you have held on to it and what the 'bond' is really about here is where the realization about how we create 'relationships' as human beings has been mostly energy-based, which is in fact separation. There is nothing to actually fear if one realizes we are in fact one-and-equal.
Antoaneta: Yes.
Buddy: A relationship as energy-tie is of the mind, of consciousness, of ego, which is what one can then in fact let go of.
Antoaneta: Yea!
Buddy: Ok cool so this will be a cool exercise I suggest looking at, even more so the most repetitive pattern on 'hiding', which is yes, out of fear, and that's where you ask yourself ok but then what do I fear losing if I die?
Antoaneta Grodskiy: I see, perhaps it would be control of myself, because I always saw that me being able to stop my death was something "good" because I had control of it, until this moment today when you brought up the opposite- that I should allow myself to “die” and not have that control of myself- the policing of myself of good and bad.
Buddy: Yeah, it's a cool point to test out by simply realizing ok if hiding or fearing dying isn't the solution, what would happen if I go the other way now?
Antoaneta: Because then I would not go into hiding- I would approach my fear and face it in the dream.
Buddy: Aha, that's also interesting there! How it even begun with a judgment toward the guy's appearance and intentions so you form the idea that 'this guy is evil'. Yep facing the fear in this case is not wanting to prevent your death.
Antoaneta: And then the illusion of control. If I had the real control to stop my death, why don't I have the control to face the fear?
Buddy: Yep, that's a cool way to look at it which means you have valued such control as 'your definition' as well. But, are we really in control of our 'death' nope lol...and that's realistic too.
Antoaneta: lol
Buddy: So, you got cool words here then, the morality aspect and control which in the end as you see 'controlling' is a desire that comes once you create a 'fear' toward something you cannot control lol.
Antoaneta: lol ya!
Buddy: So in such case the death point is the most obvious example - so fear of letting go in itself is another one which is the point that is held behind 'wanting to have control'.
I also recommend the latest reptilians interview, you came to mind when Anu explains about women in process and their relationship with non-destonians etc. and points we've talked about here as well -- if you haven't heard it.
Antoaneta: “Dying and rebirthing”....ahah of course to rebirth one has to “die” (not necessarily in the literal sense). I have not. What number is this?
Buddy: Yeah, it is so in terms of this process to let go of the old and in this case the entire setting of your early time in Bulgaria might be the context to show you the most ingrained memories that 'shaped you'. Um it's the latest let me get the link-
Antoaneta: Yea I just saw it.
Buddy: Yep, it's a very cool one.
Antoaneta Grodskiy: Nice!
Buddy: OK so, to wrap up this point, how about you also write out this point of the dream first.
Antoaneta: Ok. Can you explain more about what you mean by the setting
in Bulgaria?
Buddy: Ah scenario. Meaning the foundation of 'you' as 'Antoaneta' was shaped there so we tend to go to most 'familiar places' to signify that relationship to 'who we are/where we come from'.
Antoaneta: Like why I found this setting to be significant? Because that is a time in my life where I was shaping who I was to be/becoming?
Buddy: You can look at your experience in the memory/setting/scenario. Yes!
Antoaneta: It was during that time that I was very timid.
Buddy: Yeah I mean I don't suggest looking into all of it but more so what you experienced in the dream. Okie dokey?
Antoaneta: Yea.




Saturday, April 18, 2015

Day 102- Building a Connection With a Bike

Recently my husband and I decided to get bikes for the summer so that we keep active over the summer. Previously my bike shopping experience has been going to Walmart and picking up a bike that I thought I like. I would ride it for a little bit and then would give it up, thus I never committed to it. At first I questioned if I should get a bike or not since in the past I've given up on it or lost interest. So I decided to have a different approach this time and that was starting with the shopping process of a new bike. Well actually my husband pushed on that point.
Today we went into a bike shop (which I did not know existed...lol). This was a smaller shop that is privately owed. My husband took the point of researching a few shops and this is the one he saw a better connection with as far as the people working there. Upon walking in we were greeted and then I went up first to talk to the sales person. The first question he asked me was what bike I was looking for. So I looked at my passed experiences with bikes and said that I needed my bike to be comfortable on the seat because if my seat was not comfy my ride on the bike sucks and I found that this was one point that discouraged me from riding a bike in the passed.
Immediately he was able to present me with a few options. We chatted about the differences between men and women bikes (which is the bar- higher for men, lower for women) and why it was initially designed that way. It hit me right a way that it was because women would wear skirts so they needed the bar lower for their skirt. We laughed how this is not longer relevant but they still make them this way. The way he was talking about the bikes was with passion explaining every detail and how to get the best fit for my height, preferences and so on.
So we finally decided on a bike for me and my husband. When he was ringing us up he added that we actually will have a relationship with his shop at least for the next 15 years (per warranty and general maintenance stuff).
So I realized that this is the missing puzzle piece- having a relationship with my bike and the shop that is going to take care of my bike. When shopping at Walmart it is not "personal" because unless I have been exposed to knowing about bikes, I would not know the first thing to look for in a bike for my best physical fit.
We get our bikes next week and we are to test them first to make sure that what we ordered is the best fit in fact.
This is one example of how a person who is passionate about their job can help you out by using their knowledge and making a connection with the shopper.  It has showed me also that having a bike is so much more than just going and buying one. It is about maintenance, care, use, time, ultimately building a connection/relationship with the bike. And that is how it should be with all things, people, animals because we are always existing in relation to another or something else as part of the whole. Then the experience is pleasant because it is effective within the principle of what is best for all.
Well I still have yet to build a connection with my future bike, but at least step one is done.
Now it is really up to me to self commit to riding the bike regularly. Once I get the bike and start to ride I will update my process of my bike relationship...lol