Sunday, May 31, 2015

Day 109-Living "Cooking"

This is part of the series Living Words.

I think that I initially built resistances towards cooking because of its gender attachment to “women in the kitchen”. So growing up, especially when I was in a period of gender identification roles (as I took them personally), I refused to learn cooking and never had the interest of learning how to cook. I've also caught myself in thinking into the opposite polarity of a gender role direction, where I see that in Asian cultures the chefs are mostly men.
The other problem I can relate myself to when it comes to cooking is the process of collecting ingredients as I am unfamiliar with different names and measurements, forms the food may come in. Thus cooking is not something that I have enjoyed in my life because I never took the time to look into it and learn more about it and I resisted it from a gender role perspective.
So I realize that cooking has nothing to do with a gender (in reality and in a physical realm) and that the roles attached to cooking are a social issue that I should not take personally but rather focus on the creativity of cooking as an art and expression.

Some ways to sound out the word cooking:
- cooking by definition is preparing food using heat or fire, which is uniquely to humans.
-coo (as in the sound an owl makes) king (owling for the king)
-COO (as in a person who owns a company) king (the King of Cooking)


Redefinition: Cooking- the process of the act/art/expression of combining ingredients together to make a meal that will give my physical body energy/nutrients and keep it healthy/living.



Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Day 108- Living "Influenceable"

This is part of the series Living Words

Throughout my years I have been an easy target to be influenced by others, others' ideas, others' way of thinking. Of course I have my "own" but I see it has been more of a trending thing along with others. Not so much of a behavior thing, but more of mind relation thing. Part of this is that i can identify with a "follower personality". Now, I've also related the word negatively in two ways. One-as someone who cannot think for themselves and follows the influence of others. Two-because of instances where people can be influenced to do bad things so i have that attachment to the word “it is bad to be influenced”. 

I realize for myself that in reality to be influenced does not have to be positive or negative. It is about acceptance and the starting point. So there is nothing wrong with accepting the influence of another however the starting point has to be that of self direction and accepting that which is supportive/effective within principles that are practical.

Some ways to sound out the word influenceable:

in-flu-ability (as “in” not “out”- flu (disease) - ability (to do something))
in-flow-able (going in with the flow) (the ability to take a direction)

Redefinition: Influenceable- the ability to go with the flow within self direction in allowing myself to be influenced by people or things that live by practical living principles and so to take an example of that and see how I can apply it for myself.





Thursday, May 14, 2015

Day 107- Test Reactions- Self-Reflection

See Day 106- Target Language Test for reference to this blog.

Judgements:
I found that right after the test the self judgements/emotions that came up within me were: anger/blame, regret, shame
-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be filled with regret when it came to thinking of the predictable outcome of the test based on my performance. I realize that the reason for feeling regret and judging myself was because I placed my effort into the test so the thought of failing because of 2 minutes made me experience regret that I did not perform satisfactory on those two minutes. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with regret instead of seeing why I was not able to perform to a self satisfactory level on those 2 minutes. I let go of the regret.

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be filed with anger/blame when it came to thinking that I was treated unfair, that the test was unfair because I was not able to respond to my best ability for the 2 minutes oral test. I realize that I went into blaming the system instead of looking at myself in relation to the test and investigate my experience/reaction when it came to those 2 minutes. I realize that even though the system is not created to be to it's best support- it is up to me to stand and direct myself to my best support in relation to the system. I let go of the anger/blame.

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be filled with shame when it came to thinking that “How can I fail the Bulgarian test when I am a native speaker!”, because I took this as impossible (especially on the oral test). I had doubts about the written portion because I have no reason to write in Bulgarian-thus I don't. So if anything, I was expecting this to be the hard part and that the oral will be easy for me since I do talk in Bulgarian. I forgive myself for this expectation as it was preconceived based on my projections. I actually can see that this test showed me something about myself- that I have words in Bulgarian that I am not “familiar” or will not come to me with ease because I have either not used them in a long time or I have not ever heard them being used. I realize that my spoken Bulgarian in a more fluent/professional level may not be as good as I thought it to be and it does require more practice so that I integrate more vocabulary within myself. I let go of the shame.

Investigating Responsiveness:
In looking at the word responsiveness I can see the roots of responsibility of taking an action/ an ability. I realize that responsiveness is an ability that is a process practice. I also see that I have a pattern within me to retreat in moments where immediate responsiveness is required (where I freeze/blank out). I am now seeing that I am actually not very effective at being responsive which means that I act upon reaction. This is more prevalent when my response is timed because I experience the pressure of my mind going in many directions because I am lacking practice in self direction in such moments. To assist myself within this I need to practice how to be responsive- and that is bringing myself back to breath so that I can with self honestly respond in the moment based on the circumstances. This may be a hard one that will take a lot of practice. Also being able to see the little moments of how I respond because those are not always noticeable.

Investigating Expectation in relation to the test:
I often say that I don't expect things however subconsciously I can see that I often do actually create expectations because that brings me “security” or a “piece of mind”. I can see it being linked to responsiveness, or rather playing the shield of responsiveness. “If I know what to expect I will know how to respond.” I am not saying that it is not helpful to have an idea of what to expect- however I realize that it is not to hold on to the expectation since it is in fact a variable and it can change. And when it changes I am not able to respond because I am not prepared for the change. Thus I experience the moment of inner confusion/freeze/blankness. To assist myself within this I simply need to be willing to let go of the expectations. 

Investigating Nervousness:
Nervousness is related to the other two because it is actually the result/consequences of failing expectations and not know how to respond to the given situation (which indicates that I am not prepared). I am going to use this as an indication since I am aware with this feeling in my body on a physical level. Thus I think the key word here is to transform the word expectation to the word preparation. When I am prepared I am confident and I trust myself.


Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Day 106- Target Language Test

I recently took a target language test in Bulgarian for my Bilingual Endorsement. I was satisfied with my written part of the test but when it came to oral one, I froze. It went something like this:

I went there early in the morning. They sat us down, read instructions, we signed in and began the test. Some were taking Spanish, some Polish and so on.
I only had written answers I had to read a passage and then answer 6 questions in short writing
they were to test my reading skills, comprehension skills. I was able to answer those in both languages. There were 2 passages so that was a total of 12 short answer question. I did not realize it because I was not looking at the clock but I really took my time
I reread, erased, rewrote until I was satisfied with my answers.
Then it was the written in Bulgarian part. They asked me a question of opinion and presented a two sided argument. I had to write about what I thought, and why I support it. I wrote 3 paragraphs with which I think I did good. They were testing grammar, understanding, they did not care which side of the argument was picked or why as long as it made sense within the guidelines.
Then it was the oral test. They gave me a question to which I had 2 min to think about, and then 2 mins to answer in Bulgarian. I was not satisfied with my answer and once I thought about it (after I was done), I did not think that their method of approach towards this test was effective
particularly the 2 minute part for thinking about the question. They asked me a question to which I had a hard time thinking to what to answer. I had to recall a time where I experienced a challenge in school and pretend I was discussing it with my friends, and then take about how I figured it out or could have done it better.
So I sat there for two minutes trying to recall a time which was difficult for me because I was not coming up with anything and the two minutes were ticking, and I was so aware of the anticipation that there were only two minutes that my heart was about to jump out of my chest. Then when the guy on the tape (i had to record my answer) said that my two minutes are done, I experienced my heart sinking down cause I had to start talking and I had nothing to say. For the first 10 seconds or so I was silent. And then there was a person in front of me supervising me (she did not speak the language), she looked at me and gave me a hand gesture that I had to start speaking. So I began talking something brokenly while my mind was trying to think in what direction I was going to talk
about the question, and then I started formulating the problem (took deep breaths but they were not helping at that moment as my mind was thinking about the time I had left). I also stumbled on a few words I wanted to say but had never said them in Bulgarian before (like student teaching, classroom management), so I had to think of a different way to express them. I am not sure that I expressed them correctly. I was about to say what I did for solution, and the tape cut me off because my time was done. And that was it, I walked out of there and I was upset because I sat there for 4.5 hours writing and really taking concentration to write my responses, and then 2 minutes can fail my whole test. Those two minutes count for 25 % of the score and passing score is 80. I will know in a bout a month if I passed or not.
I thought about it for the whole day and experienced emotions like anger, shame, regret, blame.

After discussing the incident with my DIP buddy I looked at how I can bring this back to myself and investigated how this event can be helpful to me (regardless of the results) in relation to my reactions/emotions I experienced within my mind. And then I looked at how this event has assisted me in my process.

To be continued!