Sunday, January 31, 2016

Day 141- Living "Clothes Shopping"

This is part of the series “Living Words"
I think that shopping can be an easy mind possession because our minds are wired to compare, to want something new, to want what's in “style” and so on. I notice that for me shopping has been something I can obsess with when it comes to clothing. If I go to a store to buy something I am easily distracted by the clothes and I feel like I am in a “candy” store- I start to want things I really don't need or I already have in my closet. So when referring to shopping in my writing it is in relation to clothes. I do realize that I am in a way hypnotized by clothing, the style of clothes, colors, patterns, the fashion itself even if it does not come off of me on first sight- so I see this more of internal thing that drives my clothing shopping. So let's remove all the glamor of clothes and make it simple.

Some ways to sound out clothing:
-cloth (as in fabric) -ing (verb for movement)
-clotting (as in blood clots)

Redefinition: Clothes: Fabric that is sown together to compliment the body shape of people with the purpose of covering the body, protecting the body from the environment. The sown fabric itself has different designs depending on the environment and also different expressions depending on people's preferences in relation to their physical body.

Day 140- Living "Intimacy"

This is part of the series “Living Words"
I've been looking at the word “intimacy” on my list of words for some time now and I was not sure how to approach it. The typical understanding of intimacy is being close to someone by being intimate on a sexual level- at least that is how I've viewed intimacy.

The other day for the first time a true opportunity opened up. I had the chance to sit down with my husband and we had a point of opening up about something that he is experiencing. In the past I tried to force this point of sharing on him and I was rejected and as a result I suppressed that point out within myself. After learning about not forcing/pressuring/expecting, I saw the opportunity and I decided that I will try to open the point with him if he was willing to open up, and he did- which is cool because that is something in a way I have wanted for a long time- to establish this closeness with him-beyond the usual day.
Within moments I realized that this can be one expression of intimacy. It does not have to be sexual (although that is an aspect/expression of if). The interesting part was that as we opened up on a communication level I was more willing to be opened up on a sexual level as well (meaning approach him to engage sexually- than the other way around).
I want to live “intimacy” to its full potential of expression which means it is about building trust, opening up to myself/my husband/others, communicating and of course sexual expression with my husband.

Some ways to sound out intimacy:

-in-to-me-I-see (which is an often heard one)
-in-ti (which is “you” in Bulgarian)-I-see (into you I see)
-in-ti-messy (as in the mess inside)

Redefinition: Intimacy- communication and physical touch established/built through self trust, openness, closeness first with oneself and then expressed with another without expectation or obligation.

Thursday, January 28, 2016

Day 139- Hidden Personalities- The 12 Year Old Me and Self Responsibility

This is a continuation from Day 138-Hidden Personalities- Introduction.

As I mentioned in my previous blog I am walking the point of suppression/pleasing construct and how living with this construct has impacted my life. This was revealed to me through the Quantum Physical interviews on EQAFE, particularly the hidden personality series.
Now it is time to walk through and out of it towards self empowerment .

I will begin with a memory that recently emerged while I was talking to my DIP course buddy. The memory:
I was a bout 12 years old and I was jumping on my bed in Bulgaria (I don't think I was allowed to do it but no one was home). A sudden fear came over me as the thought of "What am I going to do when I grow up and my mom is not there for me?" I for some reason had this idea that when I am 14 or 16 I am going to be on my own (nothing logical in and that I will not have the same care as a child.
Perhaps this was my first real realization that I am growing up and that I will have more responsibilities and that I will have to make decisions on my own and this thought was a scary one.
As this memory came up the point of self responsibility opened up (while speaking with my buddy).

I recall as a child being extremely shy, very quiet, and I do have a memory of the experience of bottling/suppressing thing up.

I realized that I have been relying on my mom and now my husband for many things where I simply did not want to be responsible for and gave up this point of responsibility on them (they will take care of it/me). Those are the two people that I see have a great impact as they are playing the role of the "protector" and me the "victim-the one that needs help". All of this of course on a subconscious level, with a slight awareness. As the interview stated- the my being/self awareness is always on the back ground being aware but never stepping forward.

I realize that by giving my point of responsibility to my mom and my husband is something that I have allowed to continue because it felt like a comfort zone (protected). I will continue next blog on touching this point- as this construct is multidimensional and all angels must be covered in order to walk thought it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear growing up, becoming independent, responsible, making decisions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up my responsibility and put in the hands of my mom and my husband.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT come out of my "comfort zone" and to continue playing the "victim" that needs protection instead of seeing how I can come up with a solution, investigate, talk, discuss solutions with others and take the initiative/the responsibility in my hands.

I forgive myself for not realizing/seeing early on that by being quiet, shy and not speaking up I gave my choice and responsibility to my mom to decide and fix any mistakes I may have done without seeing that by choosing this way I have chosen to not be able to respond in situations with self responsibility in my adulthood.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress and keep the emotions/experiences within myself to the point where I would internally react in a backchat and blame towards my mom/my husband/other people- that it is somehow other's fault that I am feeling angry, sad, mad, disappointed, instead of investigating my reactions, bringing it back to myself, taking responsibility, speaking up, discussing solutions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing for my physical body to take a hit and feed off this mind energy construct every time I felt over whelmed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT listen to my being/self awareness and give myself the attention of realizing this mind energy construct as I have allowed it to be ME, to move me, live me, become me, cloud me, suppress me, speak for me, decide for me.

Day 138- Hidden Personalities-Introduction

So this will be a series of walking my hidden personality construct (suppression/pleasing)
The point became very evident when I listened to the Hidden Personality Quantum Physical by EQAFE. The three series were sort of a personal reading from the portal because she used my picture, thus the information directly reflects on me and of course it can be relatable to anyone who listens to the interview.

This began as a Destonian fun project where everyone who wanted to participate sent in pictures of their different faces/expressions. The very first one was the straight face. The project took off and a point opened up where the portal would ask if she can use our pictures in interviews that were going to be called Quantum Physical. After giving my agreement for my picture to be used I waited and then recently I received the interviews as a gift from the EQAFE store.

At first I was not aware that this particular series of interviews used my picture as when I listened I did not get a chance to view the picture, however as I was listening I could not help but wonder if it was my picture. When I got the chance to I saw that it in fact was regarding my picture and "my" reading of my straight face.

The interview addresses a major personality design that I have had an awareness towards, however I had not payed attention to see how important it is to how I have been living my life and how it has been impacting many of my decisions. In a nut shell it talked about how I suppress and seek to please others to avoid conflict or facing others. As soon as I heard this my awareness was brought to this point of suppression/pleasing and I started to recall events where I have done this with people. How even very slightly I would have my attention on thinking what others are/could be saying about me- this constant worry of what others would think or perceive about me. Thus by acting that nothing is wrong or that I have nothing to say/ speak up I suppress and simply go along with the other person's actions, thoughts, believes even if I internally disagree. Thus never speaking up/standing.

At first I reacted to the interview. A huge energy of embarrassment came over me because I felt I was directly being called on this point and of course that seemed to bother me because it was someone saying something about me which brings me to the center of attention/discussion= self judgement. The other feeling I experienced was sadness that I have allowed this to lead my life and it was a bummer to my process I have walked so far. So those emotions were mixed up while the first time I listened to the interview.

I then realized that my mind had taken this on a very personal level and I breathed and went back to hear it again- this time looking at the image of my straight face seeing what about my face showed this construct (as it was described in the interview) and without the emotions- now it was a point of investigation and seeing how I can correct this.

In the interview it was said that I had developed this point at a young age, and continued to live it/exists as it throughout my life. I then looked at how I experience myself during conflicts, what physically happens to my body during conflicts with others, the tone of voice of others, how I am being approached (attacked) and how the suppression point became a cope mechanism to avoid this experience from happening.

The problem with suppression is that it never really goes away- it gets stored within the body and it accumulates- to the point of release where I would cry or feel victimized as no one "heard my voice", or I would be angry at others- blame others for my experience, rebel internally towards a person's words by doing the opposite but in silence (otherwise it would be a conflict). The physical impact of my body would be shivers or what I used to call "intuition" that something bad is about to happen. However now I am aware that it was simply the energy building up to a point of releasing through a mini panic attack.

To be continued.....